Episode 17

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Published on:

10th Jul 2024

17: Ask Mari + Trey Anything Q&A: Wedding Night, Discerning Marriage, Infertility Journey & More

Mari and husband Trey Wagner engage in a fun and intimate Q&A session. They recount personal stories, their discernment process for marriage, tips on maintaining chastity, handling wedding night nerves, and balancing new life changes. The couple also shares their experience with NFP, the emotional journey of infertility, and practical advice for building a Christ-centered marriage.

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Transcript
Speaker:

mari-wagner_2_07-09-2024_212141: =Welcome

to tonight's, uh, Trey and Mari tell all.

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Yes, we are.

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We are recording.

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What time is it?

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It's a 10 and 30.

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It's nine 22, 9 30 PM.

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We haven't had dinner yet.

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So we brought a little snack.

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Yeah, don't, don't recommend

having dinner at 10 p.

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m.

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And some wine.

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But we made it fun tonight.

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Okay, we had a lot of work to do.

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Yes, clink.

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We had a lot of work to do and we

were like, and this is, this just

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shows you how crazy we are, okay?

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This is just something that we would do.

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We had a lot of work to do today and so

instead of making a quick easy dinner,

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we were like, no, let's make dinner

fun and let's make the handmade pasta.

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And bruschetta recipe that we learned

in Italy two years ago, which takes

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about two hours to simmer, at least.

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So we got the ragu sauce on the

stove, it's simmering and now we

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have time to record a podcast.

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Exactly.

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So, and then we'll hand make the

pasta and have a great night.

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We were dancing in the

kitchen to Valarie by.

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Frank Sinatra in other great Italian hits.

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Um, I'm pretty sure Frank Sinatra

is like American New York,

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but yeah, but it's Italian.

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So it's American Italian.

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It's American Italian.

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Um, we'll be snacking.

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We have our wine.

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Um, fun fact, which is not about this

wine, but it's about the wine that

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we're going to have tonight at dinner.

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Do you want to share about that?

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Fun fact?

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Yeah.

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So when we left staff with focus,

we traveled to Europe as a fun

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celebratory new chapter of our lives.

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And when we were in Italy, we

got, we went on this winery tour.

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It was super cool.

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It was this Ricassoli family.

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Winery and they had a castle

and a winery on their property.

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And this property has been

in the family for generations

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and they make wine, obviously.

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And so we did the wine tour

and a tour of the castle.

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And then we carried like four bottles,

like somehow in our suitcase through

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the next, like three countries

we went to and all the way home.

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And this is what's funny.

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I was telling a friend about this

recently because I knew we were

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going to have an Italian night soon.

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We were going to open one

of these bottles of wine.

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I was trying to remember how

we got the bottles of wine.

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We didn't just buy them.

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Oh, that's right.

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We didn't just buy them.

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Sorry, Mari did some bartering.

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Yeah, we had just bought the whole

like wine tasting experience package

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and that included dinner, but we

forgot that that included dinner.

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Or maybe it was lunch, whatever.

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It included the meal and

then we forgot about that.

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So we actually paid for

our lunch and then after.

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It was a nice restaurant.

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So it was really nice.

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It was, it was a, it

was a good, good meal.

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And we ordered a lot.

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Cause we were like, when in Italy

and after we paid, I realized, wait.

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Like everybody on our tour

decided to eat here too.

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Like, how fun is that?

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And then the waiter was like, Oh

yeah, it's part of the tour they did.

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And I was like, no, we

were on that tour too.

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He's like, Oh, well your meal is included.

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And I look back at the tickets and

sure enough, our meal was included.

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We had totally forgotten.

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So, you know, I went up there

and talked to the waiter, cashier

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person, whoever's at the front desk.

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And I was like, Hey,

explain the situation.

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We totally forgot.

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Like surely you could just refund us the

dinner and yeah, we already paid for it.

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We'll be on our way.

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And I guess they don't do that in

Italy, they don't do refunds, but they

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have unlimited wine at the winery.

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So they're like, pick some wine.

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So my, well, my Columbian came out

for those of you who don't know.

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I was born in Columbia, South

America, a hundred percent Colombian.

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And sometimes it comes out, sometimes

they get a little bit spicy, feisty.

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And I was like, okay, you know,

well, first of all, I tried to

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argue for the refund for a while and

then they did not concede to that.

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So then I was like, okay, I would like

Colombian Italians versus Colombian.

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And so then I was like, okay, fine.

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Then I want the full, like,

Uh, value of my meal in bottles

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of wine that I can take home.

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And they were like, uh, okay,

like we'll give you like four.

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And I argued up to like six bottles of

wine and we took home six bottles of wine.

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It was like two.

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Two whites and two regular reds and

two of like the fancy reserve reds.

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And we shared some with friends, some

with family, some we had ourselves.

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And then one of like the super

fancy, they call it the reserve

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wines that are best aged, we've

been saving for three years now.

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Has it been three years?

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Or two and a half?

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Yeah, I think three years.

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I think it's been three years.

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This will be the third summer.

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Yeah, that's right.

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And we've just been waiting to

open it for a special occasion.

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And so.

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So we were supposed to open

it when I quit my job, but.

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About a month ago.

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That didn't happen.

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We, life got carried

away and so here we are.

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So we're doing it tonight because

it's never too late to celebrate.

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So that's our intro for today.

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Um, but if you saw the title of

the podcast, it's Q and A with Mari

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and Trey, uh, I asked on Instagram.

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What do you want to know?

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What questions do you have for us?

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I said pretty much

anything is on the table.

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We got a ton, so we obviously won't be

able to get through all, but I think

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we'll pick out kind of like some of the

top ones that we feel like are either

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really good to answer, or intriguing,

or a little spicy, or just funny.

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So here we go.

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Don't mind me eating here.

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Where

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do you want to start?

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We got a lot, so just grab one.

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Okay, this one Was asked often, it

was a two part question one, several

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people asked, what is your love story?

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So before we get started, let us

just direct you to, I'm pretty sure

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it's like literally episode two of

the podcast called our love story.

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So start there.

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It's a good one and then come back

and then come back and then part

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two of the most often asked question

was, what did your discernment

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process look like for marriage?

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So maybe it was, maybe the question

is kind of like, how did you discern

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marriage or like, how did you discern?

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You were right for marriage

like for each other.

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How do you know that they were the

one that they were the one exactly?

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Yeah,

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go ahead.

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I would say

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I think one of the at least for me in

our relationship One of the biggest

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telltale signs was I just came alive

Like truly alive when I was with you.

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And obviously like when you're first

starting dating, you have all the

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feelings and you're like, of course you

don't want to be apart from each other.

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You're making a mess.

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Okay.

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You just probably shouldn't podcast.

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Um, but yeah, I mean, I think like

if you come alive and the person is

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make the other person, The significant

others making you a better person and

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you feel like, I think with like, for

an example, I felt like I kind of came

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out of a shell when I was with Mari.

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So obviously that's not going

to be the case for everybody.

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But, um, I felt like I

myself came more alive.

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Like, the good parts of me

became better and the not so

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good parts of me were tamed down.

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So did you feel like more like yourself?

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Yeah.

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Cause I remember feeling that a

lot and I feel like it was similar.

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I remember that very early on into

our friendship, something that kind of

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caught me off guard was how comfortable

I was and how like little I overthought

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anything I was saying or doing, which.

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I mean, would you say

I'm like an overthinker?

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Like a lot?

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I would say you're an overthinker,

but maybe not an extreme.

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Okay.

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Well, women in general

tend to overthink a lot.

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I don't feel like I'm an extreme, like

I have friends who are like way more

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extreme overthinkers, but I would say I'm

still an overthinker, but I'm sure women

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listening in have experienced this before,

where you just kind of catch yourself.

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overthinking.

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Maybe you don't even realize, but

like, you're just kind of like

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anxious or just like, Oh, did

I say something that was weird?

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Or did I do something that was off?

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Or like, how do I?

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It's particularly act or talk or present

myself in a way that's gonna like make

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him like me more like those are all

thoughts that I had had in the past

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and I think it sort of surprised me

because I didn't even realize because

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I was so like on like you said like a

shell or like a guard was like I was

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so unguarded that like I was so Myself.

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Yeah.

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And I like, it's like

my weird side came out.

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It's like, I realized, wow, I'm like

really weird when we were together.

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Thought I was normal.

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You prided yourself on being normal.

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And I remember thinking like,

wow, there's very few people

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who like, know my truest self.

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And that would be like, My two

best friends and my family.

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And now this guy that I just met

like three weeks ago and that just

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like developed over our relationship.

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Um, yeah, mine, both of those are great.

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Yeah.

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Similar sides of the same coin.

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Yeah.

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So, I mean, that's a really good

indicator that like you're with, you're

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with the right person, I would say.

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Um, what about this like specific

discernment of marriage with each other?

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There's a lot of prayer

involved with that, that we had.

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Yeah.

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A lot of like guidance and mentorship.

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Yeah.

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I mean, I think, I think the

biggest thing is discernment.

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Don't get caught in that word and in that

mindset of just no action, but all prayer.

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Discernment is actually an action.

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So it actually means going on dates.

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It means exploring the next steps.

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It means having those deeper

conversations and actually taking action.

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Um, and not just sitting in

prayer or just like in your

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head, trying to overthink things.

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Um, so I'd say one discernment's

an action, but then two, obviously

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it involves prayer for sure.

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Um, and we had some spiritual

mentors and spiritual directors

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that helped guide that process.

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So I'd recommend that.

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Yeah, for sure.

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Yeah.

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I, as I think back, I feel

like it was mainly guided by.

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Those spiritual mentors that we

had, we each had like a priest that

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was like speaking into our lives.

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And then we kind of had a mutual

like faith mentor that we both kind

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of shared that I feel like kind of

walked us through just our faith life

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during those years that we learned a

lot from, but I'll speak to one thing.

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I think that many.

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Is this fear that God is not going to

grant them the vocation that they desire?

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And so I think where I commonly

see this as women asking, like,

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what if I'm called to be a sister?

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What if I'm called to religious life,

you know, and it's always asked or

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said with this fear of just like, I

like have always wanted to be married.

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Like, what if God doesn't want that

now through your discernment process?

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You know, you can come to what

the, you will come to what

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the Lord's will is for you.

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And in the end, whatever his will is, is

what's going to bring you the most joy.

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So just know that.

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But the other thing that I learned

through this discernment process

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when we were dating was that When you

are, when you're in relationship with

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Jesus, like your wills are aligned.

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So this is like when you are

not in mortal sin, right?

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You're in a state of grace.

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You're in a constant prayer.

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Like you have a prayer life

where you like actually.

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Speak to Jesus and allow time for

silence to hear him, to connect with him.

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When you are really like in tune with

the Lord, your wills are naturally

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aligned because when we are in a

state of grace and when we are in

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relationship with Christ, our soul is

just naturally oriented towards God and

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naturally oriented towards his will.

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And so those desires that

you have on your heart.

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Are really from the Lord and

are even placed there by Jesus.

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And so I think one of my fears, I remember

I was like at this retreat, one of my

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fears was that I loved God so much, you

know, I was growing my faith so much.

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And like, what if, what if God

was calling me to be a sister?

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I think I love God too much.

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What if I love God too much and I have

to be a sister and I was at, uh, I was

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an intern for focus at the time I was

at the training for the missionaries

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as an intern, but there you're

surrounded by many young religious,

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many young priests, many young sisters.

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And I'd never seen that before.

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And I'd never seriously

considered a religious vocation.

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So it kind of like sparked just

like a interest and like, maybe

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I need to discern this anyways.

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It was kind of like eating away at

me all summer because I, I found

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myself just like praying in prayer.

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Begging God, please don't let it be

it, please don't let it be it, please

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don't let it be it, instead of like,

Lord, show me what your will is.

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And then I went to spiritual direction

with a priest and spoke to him about it.

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And he had me do like a exercise

of mental prayer of just like

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going to the place where I meet

Jesus, you know, a place of peace.

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Imagine Jesus with you.

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Um, I think he had me like open my

hands and like put everything that

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was weighing me down in my hands.

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And this whole anxiety and fear of.

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losing our relationship of becoming a

sister of losing this dream of marriage

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and motherhood that I had and offering it

to Jesus and letting go and seeing like

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what Jesus placed in my hand in return.

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Like after I emptied my hands, what

did Jesus actually place in my hands?

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And in my prayer, I felt

marriage and motherhood.

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And I even asked him, I was like, well,

Father, like, this is what I want.

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This is what I desire.

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So like, is this just me

or is this actually God?

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Like, is this just me like

saying that it's marriage and

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motherhood that Jesus put in my

hands because that's what I want?

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Or is that actually God speaking to me?

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And it was very, his

response was very simple.

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It's, it was, do you, have you

ever desired to be a sister?

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And I was like, not really.

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No.

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He's like, do you have any sort of

inkling, any like, even small bit of

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interest or desire or feeling like

the Lord is maybe calling you there?

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And I was like, honestly, no.

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No, he's like, is there any like

peace when you think about it?

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Or is there anxiety?

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Like, what do you feel?

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I'm like, I am literally terrified

that God will call me to do this.

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And that's where he was like daughter.

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And he did the whole thing

about the wills being aligned.

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He's like, your will is not

the opposite of God's will.

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And I think that we spend a

lot of our life feeling like.

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What God wants is probably

the opposite of what we want

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because we're so inclined to sin.

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But when we are in relationship with

the Lord, when we are in a state of

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grace, our wills can be, are aligned.

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And so he was like, the Lord just wants

to give you the desires of your heart.

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If it's not a desire at all

to be a sister, then you're

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probably called to marriage.

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And I felt like I had like, The

heaviest jacket like taken off

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of me that the biggest way off

my shoulders and I could breathe.

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Um, and that was kind of like the

start of kind of that confirmation of

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like, yeah, I'm called to marriage.

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And then throughout the summer,

I had different meetings with the

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spiritual director about what it

looked like to discern engagement.

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That was the next step.

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Totally.

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Yeah.

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I mean, ultimately surrender.

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Your will to God, be in prayer,

try to do the Lord's will and have

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spiritual, spiritual mentorship.

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Yeah.

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You can always ask your parish priest or

if you're in college, sometimes if you

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go to a Catholic college, like you'll

have like a pastor or a what's it called?

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Chaplain.

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Um, any one of these priests could

probably do spiritual direction

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if you've never done that before.

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Okay, next question.

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Okay, this one is mostly for Trey.

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Oh no.

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How do you tell a guy who's interested

in you, but hasn't quite asked you

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out yet, that you don't like him?

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Play the friend card.

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Play it multiple times

until he gets the message.

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Be obvious that you're friends.

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Be painfully obvious that you're friends.

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Eating the most thick headed will get

it a third, fourth, or fifth time.

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How do you do that without being flirty?

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No, you just make comments of

like, I'm so happy we're friends.

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Like, you're such a good friend.

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Like, you don't have

to be, don't be flirty.

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Don't be flirty.

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Don't be flirty.

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Definitely don't be flirty.

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I think you have to be very

friendly, but like explicitly say

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the word friend a couple times.

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I think that'll.

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And that'll come off.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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Short and sweet.

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Short and sweet.

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Okay.

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Next question.

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How to handle a smooth transition

with all the change that comes with

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marriage, moving, new job, et cetera.

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I think first.

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Let go the word smooth or

let go of whatever ideal you

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think you have expectations.

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It's all about managing expectations.

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Yeah, it's going to be messy.

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Life's messy.

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It's not going to be

what you want it to be.

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There's I mean, Martin, I've

tried for weeks on end to.

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Have the perfect schedule that

we want and it never happens.

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So, um, especially when you're going

through transitions, like I think the

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biggest piece of advice would be to, like

you said, let go of the expectations.

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Just try your best and

give yourself grace.

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Um, what was the second

part of the question?

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No, it's all the same.

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It's just like how to, how to have

a smooth transition with all the

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change that comes with marriage,

moving, new job, et cetera.

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So just like the newness of marriage

of like living with a new person you've

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never lived with and adjusting to a lot of

things that come with like sharing a life

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instead of just being like on your own.

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Yeah.

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I mean, so one's mindset,

um, messiness and.

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Giving yourself grace

and your partner grace.

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Then I would say to find community,

find, have the man find men's community,

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have the woman find a woman's community.

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Uh, be the awkward person who

asks somebody to hang out.

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Yeah.

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Um, invite people over.

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For dinner.

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Um, I think that's the biggest thing is

like when you move into a new neighborhood

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or a new apartment, like meet your

neighbors the first couple of weeks or

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else it's too much time will go by and

it'll be weird to introduce yourself.

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So just get it out of the way early.

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Um, I would say like, have

a mindset of selflessness.

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I think that when we live alone, we

get into our grooves of just living

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for ourselves and like our personal

schedules, our routines, how we like

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to do things or the time that we like

to wake up or go to bed or, you know,

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Like when we used to do our chores and

whatnot, and you know, we, we go from

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:

living, you know, sometimes on your own

or with the house of like other people

390

:

and you just do your two dishes a day to

then sharing all the chores in the house.

391

:

Um, and that's just like a very

practical, small example, but I think

392

:

leaning on the air of selflessness

of always just being like, okay.

393

:

It's not just about me.

394

:

I have to serve my spouse as well as

take care of myself, or I have to think

395

:

of them as well, or I have to put their

needs above mine sometimes as well.

396

:

Um, just having that mindset and that

disposition of heart will make it

397

:

smoother because it can be a rough

transition at first to be like, Oh

398

:

my gosh, life is not just about me.

399

:

As much as you love this person.

400

:

Um, you actually just like your time

just flies by, like your time just

401

:

becomes so much less when you're married.

402

:

I don't know why there's

just like more things to do.

403

:

And a lot of it is beautiful.

404

:

A lot of it is like, you just

want to spend time together, but

405

:

just being selfless with, um,

with your time and your energy.

406

:

And

407

:

I think another one would be

just like having a really open,

408

:

honest line of communication.

409

:

Transitions are different for everybody.

410

:

I would say the first, the first

few months of our marriage were

411

:

like really smooth and beautiful.

412

:

And maybe like six to nine, we hit

some like rocky parts, but I've

413

:

heard some people's like first

month of marriage is like super

414

:

hard or first months or first year.

415

:

You hear that often.

416

:

We're like, your first

year is the hardest.

417

:

I think your first year

could also be like.

418

:

You know, the dreamiest, but, but there's

also so much transition and change

419

:

that it can be challenging and having

a super open line of communication

420

:

allows for things not to build up or

for there to be like unhealthy habits

421

:

that are formed in your relationship.

422

:

So right off the bat, those first

months of marriage, and maybe

423

:

this is what makes it rocky.

424

:

I don't know, but I'm all for like

healthy confrontation is like.

425

:

If something is bugging you, if you

are hurt by something, if there's

426

:

like a pattern of things that like

you don't like in your relationship,

427

:

being consistent about bringing those

up is going to help you guys work

428

:

through that and kind of get to the

root of like, why is this happening?

429

:

What is like the true intention, you

know, that's coming from my spouse?

430

:

How can we readjust?

431

:

Like how can we apologize and grow and

move on and love each other better?

432

:

And then I feel like you're setting

a foundation one of honesty of

433

:

like, Hey, we're both growing.

434

:

We're both in perfect and we both

want to love each other better.

435

:

And then you're also setting a

foundation of just like learning

436

:

to love each other better, faster.

437

:

Yeah.

438

:

I love that.

439

:

Okay,

440

:

I want you to pick the next question.

441

:

I need a bite of bruschetta.

442

:

Bruschetta.

443

:

You can hold my wine.

444

:

Did you guys think y'all were

attractive from the beginning?

445

:

Heck yes.

446

:

Nah.

447

:

Took a good three months.

448

:

Wait, actually.

449

:

Took a good three months

for me to warm up to you.

450

:

Wait, that was a joke, but actually.

451

:

Mine was a joke, but also kind of not.

452

:

Cause remember, like, it's not that I

didn't think you were attractive, but

453

:

like, I just really saw you as a friend.

454

:

And then it was like, all of a sudden,

one day we sat down at the cafeteria

455

:

and I was like, no, one of your friends

mentioned to you that I was cute.

456

:

And then you got really jealous.

457

:

And then my eyes were open and I was like,

wait, wait, no, this man is so attractive.

458

:

Like, what are you talking about?

459

:

Let's see.

460

:

What are your coffee orders?

461

:

Ooh, Mario.

462

:

I'm gonna have you go first here.

463

:

Wait, why don't we guess each other's?

464

:

I already know yours.

465

:

Well, good.

466

:

You should, I think

I'd be harder to guess.

467

:

Yeah, you would be all right.

468

:

What's mine.

469

:

It's either a matcha

or what kind of matcha?

470

:

A matcha latte with one pump of vanilla?

471

:

Yes.

472

:

Whole milk.

473

:

Whole milk?

474

:

I mean, if you're not doing

whole milk, what are you doing?

475

:

I don't know, man.

476

:

Some people are still on this,

like, almond milk, oat milk train.

477

:

That's got the most froth.

478

:

Whole milk's got the most froth.

479

:

Um, or if it's not that,

then it's a chai tea.

480

:

Yeah, I'm definitely more of a tea girl.

481

:

I like coffees at home, but I feel

like, what's your coffee order?

482

:

Tea.

483

:

My coffee order is tea.

484

:

I like coffees at home, but I feel

like coffees at a coffee shop are

485

:

so strong that they make me jittery

and I don't like how that feels.

486

:

Yeah.

487

:

Okay.

488

:

Yours.

489

:

Your most common order

is just black coffee.

490

:

I feel like, though, you

also like cappuccinos.

491

:

I mix it up.

492

:

I don't have a normal coffee order.

493

:

I was gonna say, you Americano.

494

:

Or a cappuccino.

495

:

Or a black coffee.

496

:

Or just a black coffee.

497

:

See, I got them all right.

498

:

Or.

499

:

Or, or a chai.

500

:

You like the chai.

501

:

If I want something sweet, it's

either a iced vanilla chai, or

502

:

it's an iced vanilla coffee.

503

:

But that's never in the morning.

504

:

Yeah, we've been working on no

coffee first thing in the morning.

505

:

Get your protein in, people.

506

:

Oh, this is gonna be a fun episode.

507

:

Okay,

508

:

newlyweds here.

509

:

How do we get better at praying together?

510

:

Love it.

511

:

We should have a whole episode on this.

512

:

On praying together?

513

:

Yeah.

514

:

That'd be good.

515

:

That would be really good.

516

:

But give me your 30 seconds.

517

:

Okay, my 30 seconds is

pray together every day.

518

:

Um, We've talked about this

before, probably on my Instagram.

519

:

The easiest thing to do is

to pray together before bed.

520

:

Um, I would encourage that you guys

try to go to bed at the same time.

521

:

I've recently learned that a lot of

couples don't go to bed at the same time.

522

:

And so I think this could

make it difficult if you don't

523

:

go to bed at the same time.

524

:

Maybe you try and wake up at the same

time you do something in the morning, but.

525

:

Our thing is to pray before we go

to bed every night, and it could be

526

:

anywhere from a minute to a few minutes,

um, depending on how sleepy we are.

527

:

But basically we take turns just

freestyle prayer and just thinking

528

:

the Lord for our day and our health.

529

:

Our family is just our list of

things that we're grateful for.

530

:

And then any petitions that we have

on our heart, any specific, um, Ways

531

:

that we're trying to intercede for

our family or friends or intentions

532

:

that people have entrusted to us.

533

:

And that's about it.

534

:

That's, and then it's easy.

535

:

Super easy.

536

:

And then a Hail Mary or a glory beer or

something like that every single night.

537

:

And then we've recently

been on a rosary kick.

538

:

So we've been praying the

rosary a bunch together.

539

:

Yeah.

540

:

I've loved that.

541

:

Which has been great.

542

:

It's been awesome.

543

:

It's been awesome.

544

:

So we try to do it every day.

545

:

Yeah.

546

:

Um, we've kind of just been doing that

before bed, before our prayer time too.

547

:

Yeah.

548

:

And then the other thing you could

do is just do Alexio together.

549

:

So read scripture together,

meditate on scripture.

550

:

Together and like talk about

what you feel like the Lord's

551

:

speaking to you through scripture.

552

:

And I mean, that can be anywhere from 10

to 20 minutes, but yeah, 30 minutes to 40.

553

:

I mean, that could go a long time.

554

:

All those are great options.

555

:

And just like, don't be afraid to put like

a schedule on it or like a goal on it.

556

:

I think a lot of the times people are

like, Oh, if we, if we put parameters

557

:

on prayer, then the prayer won't be

authentic and won't be good enough.

558

:

And that's not, that's not true.

559

:

Like if it's helpful for you to be like,

Hey, we're going to have like Couples

560

:

Bible study once, once a week, you know,

like Monday nights, it's just us two.

561

:

And we're going to pray through the

book of John or like Thursday mornings

562

:

before work, like we're going to go to

adoration together or something like that.

563

:

If you have something on the calendar,

that's like kind of like a secret

564

:

time, like even if it's 30 minutes,

um, you're going to get around

565

:

to it more and don't feel like it

makes that prayer time any less.

566

:

Cause it totally doesn't.

567

:

Oh, the other thing too is

intercessory prayer for each other.

568

:

So if like Mario asked me, like, Hey, I'm

feeling really stressed or I'm feeling

569

:

really anxious or whatever she's going

through at that time, or if I'm sick, like

570

:

just, she'll just ask me to pray for her.

571

:

And so then I can just like lay

my hands on her and intercede

572

:

for her and or vice versa.

573

:

If I'm going through some hard times

or just dealing with some things, I can

574

:

ask her to intercede for me as well.

575

:

That's really powerful.

576

:

All right.

577

:

I'm going to toss this one your way, Mari.

578

:

Should we do a spicy one?

579

:

How did you guys stay chaste?

580

:

Spicy.

581

:

Tips would be helpful.

582

:

Spicy or not spicy.

583

:

How to not be spicy before you're married.

584

:

How to be appropriately spicy.

585

:

How to be appropriately spicy.

586

:

That's going to be a hot topic.

587

:

Um, I'm not getting into that.

588

:

We're not going to get into that.

589

:

Okay.

590

:

Chastity while we were

dating, I would say you.

591

:

Yeah, of course we struggled.

592

:

And it was hard.

593

:

And it was really hard.

594

:

Yeah, and that's okay.

595

:

Like yeah I think there's freedom

knowing that it's okay for it to be

596

:

hard It's probably a good thing that

you're sexually attracted to each other.

597

:

Yeah, I would say that's a really

good thing I would hope so.

598

:

Yeah, so I want to recognize that it's

not Abnormal, it's not like wrong to

599

:

be sexually attracted to each other.

600

:

You just need to learn how to channel

it in the right ways You And depending

601

:

on the what stage of life you're in.

602

:

And I, and I would say, gosh, we have

so many things that we could talk

603

:

about in this topic, but one of the

two things come to mind right now, one

604

:

is that even if you're struggling one,

like just start again, it is absolutely

605

:

possible to save sex for marriage, right?

606

:

That is, that is the goal.

607

:

The hope that sex is a sacred, the

sacred act between husband and wife.

608

:

Um, And even though we struggled

in chastity, we were still

609

:

able to save ourselves for

marriage, like sex for marriage.

610

:

Um, two, I've heard this a lot

recently too, from other friends.

611

:

I don't know why it's come up, but it's,

uh, it's a saying that like the devil is

612

:

going to get, try to get you to have as

much sex as possible before you're married

613

:

and as little sex as after you're married.

614

:

So one, when you're dating, it's like,

You're on this like honeymoon level where

615

:

it's like you just want each other so bad

But at the same time there's a level of

616

:

like spiritual attack on your relationship

If you are a good and holy godly couple

617

:

that like wants to be chased there's

going to be a level of attack because

618

:

the evil one wants to Get you to sin

the evil one wants to pull you away from

619

:

the Lord and from his beautiful intent

for The sacred act and it just shows

620

:

how powerful that act is like The sexual

intimacy between a man and a wife is

621

:

it's crazy.

622

:

Yeah, it's great.

623

:

It's amazing.

624

:

No, but it's like very

spiritually powerful too.

625

:

I'm trying to say like,

that's why the devil is.

626

:

Yes.

627

:

Oh my gosh.

628

:

So spiritual.

629

:

Okay.

630

:

Let's talk about that.

631

:

I think that's something like people

don't actually know a lot about.

632

:

And that's one of the things that

convicted me in college to be like, super

633

:

committed about waiting till marriage.

634

:

It's the whole spiritual reality

of what sex actually entails.

635

:

So, When you think of the Trinity, you

know that it's three persons in one and

636

:

the theologically the way that it works

is, uh, because of the love, like the love

637

:

between God, the father and Jesus, the

love between them is like, so powerful.

638

:

Selfless, so strong, so loving, so

perfect that a third being emerges

639

:

from that and is the Holy Spirit.

640

:

So the Holy Spirit is essentially

the love of God amongst many things,

641

:

but there's really no other thing

that we see that emulates that.

642

:

Like marriage, because when a wife

and husband come together in the

643

:

sexual act, their love unites them

as one, and also brings forth a third

644

:

brings forth a baby, you know, when

scientifically it works and the Lord

645

:

allows it to, it brings forth life.

646

:

So it truly shows the sanctity of what

this spiritual reality of what this is.

647

:

Um, I don't remember what Are you going

to say something about the wedding vows?

648

:

Oh, yes.

649

:

And then the wedding vows.

650

:

Oh, this got me too.

651

:

The wedding vows.

652

:

When you stand at the altar and say

your wedding vows to your husband,

653

:

uh, in the Catholic church, you

just have like the one option.

654

:

There's like two variations, but

it's like the same thing basically.

655

:

And you don't get to like

write your own wedding vows.

656

:

Like you just say the vows that the

church has given to us for this sacrament.

657

:

And in it says, I will be, you

know, faithful and fruitful and

658

:

love you and all these things.

659

:

All the days of my life.

660

:

And I don't remember where I learned this.

661

:

I think it was maybe a book I was

reading or a talk, but I really

662

:

reflected on those words all the days

of my life within those wedding vows.

663

:

And if you think about it, like all

the days of your life are all the

664

:

days of your life, not just the day

of your marriage forward, right?

665

:

Or the day when you met that person.

666

:

But like truly that vow.

667

:

Has the beautiful like intention

for it to be all of the days of

668

:

your life from the first day of your

life till the last day of your life.

669

:

And so that was an encouragement for

me to be like, when I get up on the

670

:

altar, I want to look at my husband in

his, in the eyes and say, truly, I, you

671

:

know, am committed to you and have saved

myself for you all the days of my life.

672

:

So that was like a beautiful encouragement

that I had to wait till marriage and

673

:

that we both thought was awesome.

674

:

And then some practical, yes,

practicals, um, confession, a thousand

675

:

percent, just get a confession as

soon as you can after you fall.

676

:

Um, don't let, it's really easy

to like fall and then just kind of

677

:

give up and like, you know, Go a

few weeks of continually falling

678

:

over and over and over again.

679

:

So best way to like cut

that cycle is to just get to

680

:

confession as fast as possible.

681

:

Jesus wants to forgive you.

682

:

He wants you to start again.

683

:

He never gets tired of forgiving you.

684

:

He will never get tired of you.

685

:

The priest will never get

tired of hearing you either.

686

:

And so go together.

687

:

You can go together.

688

:

Can you?

689

:

Um, or not like in the same room together.

690

:

Oh yeah.

691

:

go back to back.

692

:

Yes.

693

:

You can go like to the church together.

694

:

Yeah.

695

:

You can't go in the same confessional.

696

:

I think you can when

you're married though.

697

:

Yeah.

698

:

We've never done that.

699

:

Um.

700

:

Another practical.

701

:

Another practical.

702

:

Okay.

703

:

For these practicals, I just want

you to hear me out here because when

704

:

we first started dating, we thought

we were just like totally strong

705

:

and invincible and we were like, Oh

yeah, like we're going to be great.

706

:

To be fair, this was our first

relationship where we were both

707

:

committed Catholics that actually

wanted to be chased in our relationship

708

:

and strive to save sex for marriage.

709

:

And so it was.

710

:

Very encouraging.

711

:

And it is very hard if you, if

your significant other does not

712

:

have the desire to wait till

marriage, it's very, very hard.

713

:

Um, but,

714

:

but we still struggled at times and

there were times where we actually

715

:

had to set certain boundaries that at

first I thought were like, We were too

716

:

good for, you know, that we're stupid

and that we're just like, dumb, you

717

:

know, like, why are we doing this?

718

:

And they actually were very

effective and helped very much.

719

:

And so I just want you to hear this when

we say them, like, they're not stupid.

720

:

If you need to do them, it's not dumb.

721

:

Like they do work and you should do them.

722

:

And there's our dog.

723

:

Bodhi.

724

:

He just wants to get under the couch.

725

:

Down, Bodhi!

726

:

Of those would be to set a curfew.

727

:

Um, I think we had a curfew of

like 10pm or something like that.

728

:

And An open door policy of like, we

could hang out with my room in my room

729

:

if the door was open or like we had to

be hanging out downstairs in the living

730

:

room and you had to leave by 10 p.

731

:

m.

732

:

or like I had to leave your house by 10 p.

733

:

m.

734

:

The door open policy is great

when you have roommates.

735

:

The door open policy was on, is

honestly my number one recommendation.

736

:

If you live by yourself, it kind

of defeats the purpose, but true.

737

:

If you live by yourself, just

don't go in the bedroom, honestly.

738

:

Yeah.

739

:

But if you live with roommates, door open

policy is a great policy for any room.

740

:

And then the curfew, I

know it feels stupid.

741

:

You're like, I'm totally old

enough not to have a curfew, but

742

:

it just gets harder after 10 PM.

743

:

And honestly, for the guy, it sucks.

744

:

Cause you always have to leave

super late and you're exhausted.

745

:

And another one that I've heard is

two feet on the ground at all times.

746

:

If you don't have two feet on the ground.

747

:

We have not done that.

748

:

Risky things will happen..

749

:

Okay, I'll take the next one.

750

:

Yeah.

751

:

How to encourage your husband to lead

the family, especially in regards

752

:

You just asked yourself a question.

753

:

How do you do it, Mari?

754

:

I want to also hear from you.

755

:

I will, I will share but, you start.

756

:

Of like how you feel most encouraged.

757

:

Yeah.

758

:

Um, I would say that I hear this

question and desire a lot from women,

759

:

um, wanting their husbands to lead.

760

:

And, I feel like what I've learned

over the years is that women are a

761

:

little bit more naturally or more

easily like spiritually inclined.

762

:

And I think that's just

because we're more emotional.

763

:

That doesn't mean that like we

have to be the ones to lead.

764

:

And actually, the man is the

one who is more inclined to

765

:

like lead with authority.

766

:

And to have that like natural authority

in his family, as well as spiritually,

767

:

like it is spiritually true that a husband

has authority over his wife and his home,

768

:

which is why it's so powerful when a

husband prays over his wife and children

769

:

and blesses his wife and children.

770

:

But one thing that I have learned

and noticed, and in, in certain

771

:

times when I feel like I desire

this, try to hone in on is.

772

:

to encourage more than

to, like, criticize.

773

:

And I think that that's something

that's hard for me sometimes because

774

:

I'm a very, very hard on myself.

775

:

And so sometimes it comes off

like being hard on you or like

776

:

being hard on people around me.

777

:

And it truly just comes from

like a desire to like be better,

778

:

you know, and to like grow.

779

:

But we as wives have the power

to break our husbands down

780

:

or build our husbands up.

781

:

And so in times when you desire

your husband to lead more or to grow

782

:

in an area or whatever, you it's

almost like a, you have to really

783

:

stop and think like, okay, how.

784

:

actually can I shift my mindset and not

see the ways that he's falling, the ways

785

:

that he, that I wish he was doing better,

but like, what is he doing well now?

786

:

How can I build him up and use

words of encouragement to like

787

:

nudge in the area of leadership?

788

:

Um, without just like a constant, like

you should be doing this, you should be

789

:

doing this, you should be doing this.

790

:

Yeah.

791

:

I mean, that's exactly

what I was going to say.

792

:

Okay.

793

:

Is.

794

:

Error on the side of building

up as opposed to tearing down.

795

:

Like what specifically though do

you feel like you could say or do?

796

:

Because I know also like there's cases

too where like maybe like you're praising

797

:

all the things your husband's doing

well, but like if they're literally

798

:

not leading in the faith at all.

799

:

Right.

800

:

You have to bring it up.

801

:

Yeah.

802

:

Like, like what do you say?

803

:

There's obviously going to be times where

you can like ask, like, Hey husband, I

804

:

would feel a great line would be like, I

would feel really loved if you did this.

805

:

Because that, that sound that's

received way better than saying, Hey,

806

:

you need to be doing this better,

or you need to be doing this more.

807

:

Like, then it's something that like,

Oh my gosh, I'm failing at that.

808

:

I'm not good enough at that.

809

:

I need to be better at that.

810

:

Like, I feel like men are being told all

the time through their jobs and throughout

811

:

their day and from their wives and

their kids, like all the stuff that they

812

:

need to do or need to be doing better.

813

:

And so that's really exhausting.

814

:

And so, um, if you say, if you just

frame the, uh, Questioner, like the,

815

:

the desire as like, Hey, this would,

I would feel really loved if you did

816

:

this or like, this would mean a lot

to me if you prayed with me every

817

:

morning or prayed with me this day.

818

:

Or you, if you went to

mass with me this day.

819

:

Yeah.

820

:

Or if you like initiated prayer

yourself instead of me always being

821

:

the one that's like, Oh my gosh.

822

:

Cause like men want to

rise to the challenge.

823

:

Like they want to love their wife,

but they are going to be less

824

:

motivated to do that if their wife is.

825

:

Just their biggest critic.

826

:

Yeah, I would say to something that

just came to mind is men want to rise

827

:

to the challenge Some might feel an

intimidation to lead in the faith.

828

:

Some might feel like I don't know how

to lead in the faith I don't know what

829

:

to do in prayer, you know, like some

may not have had a Good formation or

830

:

enough experience in their own prayer

life to really lead their family and

831

:

their wives So maybe even suggesting

like doing something together is a

832

:

great start before you You Expect your

husband to be the one initiating, uh,

833

:

faith prayer formation or whatever it is.

834

:

So just be like, Hey, I would

love for us to have some time to

835

:

connect in our faith together.

836

:

Like what if we read a

spiritual book together?

837

:

Or what if we read a book of the

Bible or whatever together someplace

838

:

where you're like, Actively learning.

839

:

And I feel like as you learn more,

you gain more confidence and then,

840

:

or have practiced at once, then the

husband can gain more confidence

841

:

to them, like initiate next time.

842

:

Yeah.

843

:

Then the other thing too, is recognize

when he does lead and notice that

844

:

like one, notice it enough to.

845

:

Respond and respond generously

and not be like, Oh, I'm tired.

846

:

Or, Oh, I don't want to.

847

:

Or, Oh, I'm busy.

848

:

Or, Oh, I, the kids need me.

849

:

Or, Oh, I have this work to do.

850

:

Like, like if you were desiring him to

lead, and if he, if he steps out and

851

:

courage, like try to do this thing that

he's not comfortable with, or doesn't

852

:

have experience with, or is scared of,

or what have you, like, if he steps

853

:

out and tries to do this and then it

gets just shot down by you, because.

854

:

You're too busy or you don't

want to, you're too tired.

855

:

Like that's not going to be very

encouraging for him next time.

856

:

So one notice when he does that,

then you can respond generously,

857

:

but then to notice, because then

you can praise him and thank him.

858

:

And like, if, if you notice enough to

say thank you, like that meant a lot

859

:

to me, then the chances of the guy

doing it again will be much higher.

860

:

Yeah.

861

:

Last thing I'll say is try and find

a couple of friends or at least like

862

:

encourage him to find other men in

his life that are striving to be good

863

:

Catholic and Christian husbands as well.

864

:

That makes all the difference.

865

:

I feel like good men just are encouraged

by good men and are like challenged in the

866

:

best way to be better men by each other.

867

:

And so like when you're in community

with other guys and you just see them.

868

:

Like treating their wives beautifully

and leading their families in the faith.

869

:

You're just.

870

:

immediately like soaking that up

and you're encouraging each other.

871

:

Like, Oh my gosh, we

should all be doing this.

872

:

Okay.

873

:

How, how to handle wedding

night when it's your first time?

874

:

This is me almost, or

no, this is almost me.

875

:

I'm three weeks away from getting married.

876

:

Great.

877

:

I hope you're listening.

878

:

I love this question.

879

:

Trey's excited answer.

880

:

So I'm gonna let you go first.

881

:

Remove any sort of expectation or like

seeing from a movie or anything like,

882

:

anything like you thought you or you

imagined in your first time being or your,

883

:

your wedding night being like, just get

that out of your head and recognize that

884

:

it's It's just not going to be like that.

885

:

And that doesn't mean it's going to suck.

886

:

No, no, no, no, no.

887

:

It's going to be beautiful.

888

:

It's just not, it's just literally not

going to be what you saw on a screen one

889

:

day in the rom com movie that you love.

890

:

And I mean.

891

:

What else?

892

:

The house, what more, how deep

do you want to get into this?

893

:

I don't know how to handle wedding

night when it's your first time.

894

:

Um, I think

895

:

something I would suggest is like,

it's okay to talk about it before.

896

:

I think like, there's like a

prudent window of like when

897

:

you should, Talk about it.

898

:

How often you should talk about it.

899

:

Like maybe if you just started dating

or if you maybe just got engaged,

900

:

I don't know, like how detailed do

you want to get, but like, as you're

901

:

getting closer to the wedding, three

weeks, three weeks away, especially

902

:

like you can definitely talk about it.

903

:

I would encourage you.

904

:

Yes.

905

:

Like, please.

906

:

Yeah.

907

:

Definitely encourage you to talk about

it and talk about like, Hey, like, what

908

:

do you think it's going to be like?

909

:

Like, what are your expectations?

910

:

Like, what are you hoping for?

911

:

Like, are you nervous about anything?

912

:

Like, do you want to

talk through anything?

913

:

Because.

914

:

It's going to be new and if you can't

talk about it before you're doing

915

:

it, how are you going to be talking

about it while you're doing it?

916

:

Because especially when it's your first

time or first time together and like

917

:

you're learning and you're learning.

918

:

How to love the other person in this

new and exciting way, and that's going

919

:

to require a lot of communication

so that it's done actually lovingly.

920

:

Yeah.

921

:

Uh, another thing I would add is just

relax and leave time to yourself.

922

:

To like unwind together.

923

:

One thing I didn't realize for

like the wedding day was that

924

:

I was going to be so exhausted.

925

:

I had never heard a bride say how

exhausted she was at the end of the day,

926

:

and it doesn't mean it wasn't a good day.

927

:

It was a great day, but

truthfully by 7 30 p.

928

:

m.

929

:

I went up to train.

930

:

I was like, Hey, when

do we get to go home?

931

:

You know, and I loved my

wedding like party, but.

932

:

You're pretty tired at the end of the day

and it can be a lot like physically and

933

:

emotionally I think like there's a lot

of like nerves and tension from the day.

934

:

That's like being released like

your body is like Unwinding and

935

:

then it's like this big moment.

936

:

You've been waiting for so like she

said remove expectations But then

937

:

take time don't rush like unwind

like again, it's not like It doesn't

938

:

have to be like the movies and it

probably won't be like the movies.

939

:

It doesn't mean like you walk

into your hotel room and you

940

:

rip each other's clothes off.

941

:

You know what I mean?

942

:

Like, like take a bath, like

take a shower, like, like

943

:

lie down together, talk.

944

:

Like we prayed before, like we like said a

prayer before and had a little bit of time

945

:

with God to like be with us in that time.

946

:

So it's okay to.

947

:

Just be in the moment and relax and,

and don't have this pressure of this,

948

:

like, super quick, passionate moment.

949

:

Yeah.

950

:

Yeah.

951

:

It's going to be not what you

expected, but it's going to be

952

:

beautiful and just talk through it.

953

:

Uh, just do your best to

love each other and yeah.

954

:

Um, last thing I'll say is coconut oil.

955

:

And, and that's all we're

going to say on that.

956

:

It's a good alternative.

957

:

It's a good, you know, I'm,

I'm all about clean living.

958

:

That's right.

959

:

Just don't get into the toxins.

960

:

Works wonders.

961

:

Oh, my mom isn't listening.

962

:

Uh, last one.

963

:

Make it count.

964

:

I feel like we need to do like two more.

965

:

Okay.

966

:

You choose one and I'll choose one.

967

:

It smells so good.

968

:

I can smell the pasta, the pasta sauce,

969

:

the ragu sauce smells like Italy.

970

:

There we go.

971

:

If it's not too personal, struggles

learning and apply NFP methods.

972

:

I'm struggling right now.

973

:

That's really good.

974

:

Um, we have always tracked

my cycle with Creighton.

975

:

That's one of the models that you can use.

976

:

Another popular one is Marquette.

977

:

I would say those are probably

the top two ones I hear about.

978

:

Or Symptothermal.

979

:

Yes, those are the three main.

980

:

Marquette is definitely, I feel like

a steeper, or sorry, not Marquette,

981

:

Creighton, the one that we do has a

little bit of a steeper learning curve.

982

:

Like it is, it's a little

bit more involved, a little

983

:

bit harder to get a grasp on.

984

:

But I mean, once you have,

it's not, it's not hard.

985

:

I mean like give it a couple

of weeks and you'll be fine.

986

:

We've been doing it ever

since like we were engaged.

987

:

So literally like.

988

:

Five years or something like that.

989

:

Yeah.

990

:

So we do that.

991

:

It's great.

992

:

We love it.

993

:

Um, I think it's super cool.

994

:

I found it fascinating.

995

:

Okay.

996

:

Yeah.

997

:

Why did you think it was fascinating?

998

:

I mean, guys are never taught

this stuff about women and it was

999

:

just cool to be like, oh my gosh.

:

00:49:57,644 --> 00:50:00,864

And I like know my wife

so much better now.

:

00:50:00,864 --> 00:50:04,674

I like understand a little bit

deeper, like what she's going

:

00:50:04,674 --> 00:50:06,444

through and how her body is.

:

00:50:07,144 --> 00:50:12,574

Responding to things and why, and

then how like that relationship

:

00:50:12,574 --> 00:50:16,644

between man and woman and like just

the intricacies and the way that God

:

00:50:16,664 --> 00:50:18,144

designed it all is really fascinating.

:

00:50:18,274 --> 00:50:18,694

Yeah.

:

00:50:19,404 --> 00:50:23,474

I would say since the question asks about

challenges, like the challenges we've

:

00:50:23,474 --> 00:50:26,584

faced with Creighton, I think like Trey

said, the learning curve at the very

:

00:50:26,584 --> 00:50:28,414

beginning, but that's only a few weeks.

:

00:50:28,994 --> 00:50:32,144

Um, and then.

:

00:50:33,274 --> 00:50:37,164

I think now like three years into

marriage, just keeping up with

:

00:50:37,164 --> 00:50:39,334

it, just like the daily thing.

:

00:50:39,384 --> 00:50:46,314

Um, natural family planning can

be used to both postpone pregnancy

:

00:50:46,314 --> 00:50:48,434

as well as achieve pregnancy.

:

00:50:48,464 --> 00:50:50,274

And so this is like a misconception.

:

00:50:50,274 --> 00:50:52,864

A lot of times people

hear, Oh, you do NFP.

:

00:50:52,864 --> 00:50:54,994

It means you're trying not to

have kids and that's not true.

:

00:50:55,004 --> 00:50:57,984

Like, we are actively

trying to have kids and.

:

00:50:58,254 --> 00:51:00,474

We are still considered using NFP.

:

00:51:00,814 --> 00:51:04,914

Um, and the reason why it's amazing

is because NFP and Creighton tells you

:

00:51:05,234 --> 00:51:06,964

exactly where you are in your cycle.

:

00:51:07,024 --> 00:51:11,244

Every single day, your body gives you

physical markers of where you're at in

:

00:51:11,244 --> 00:51:13,024

your cycle, what your hormones are doing.

:

00:51:13,444 --> 00:51:17,094

And so, you know, when you're fertile

and when you're not fertile and using

:

00:51:17,094 --> 00:51:20,294

that information, you can choose, are we

going to actively try and have a baby?

:

00:51:20,304 --> 00:51:22,684

Or are we going to try and wait

this month and not have a baby?

:

00:51:23,104 --> 00:51:28,034

Um, I think we face some, you know,

there's like always some hardship,

:

00:51:28,034 --> 00:51:31,004

like If there's ever months where

you're not trying to have a baby,

:

00:51:31,004 --> 00:51:34,944

like the first few months of our

marriage, we were postponing pregnancy.

:

00:51:35,454 --> 00:51:40,974

And that's a challenge too, because

you, like when you postpone pregnancy,

:

00:51:40,974 --> 00:51:45,064

you're avoiding during the week of

the month where your hormones are

:

00:51:45,064 --> 00:51:49,034

like flaring up, like, yeah, yeah.

:

00:51:49,034 --> 00:51:51,954

Where your libido is like

the highest as a woman.

:

00:51:51,974 --> 00:51:57,844

And so to be avoiding that month or that

week is a little bit more challenging.

:

00:51:57,884 --> 00:52:00,969

Um, I would say two.

:

00:52:00,969 --> 00:52:05,569

I think, you know, when you are

in that stage of life where you're

:

00:52:05,569 --> 00:52:07,259

postponing pregnancy, it is.

:

00:52:08,229 --> 00:52:14,549

It's challenging because the guys are

always ready to go most part and the

:

00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:20,279

women, they have a much higher sex drive

during the time when they're ovulating.

:

00:52:21,029 --> 00:52:25,099

And so, and other than that, it's

like, you got to work to get there.

:

00:52:25,189 --> 00:52:25,469

Yeah.

:

00:52:25,469 --> 00:52:27,259

Like they might not want that.

:

00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:33,139

There's like, just not going to feel

as inclined and like desirous of it.

:

00:52:33,699 --> 00:52:37,219

The other times of the month when you

actually are like able to have sex, if

:

00:52:37,219 --> 00:52:39,379

you're avoiding that ovulation phase.

:

00:52:39,379 --> 00:52:39,719

Yeah.

:

00:52:40,919 --> 00:52:46,199

So I think instead of letting that,

like, build a resentment or tension

:

00:52:46,199 --> 00:52:49,289

in the marriage where the guy's like,

oh my gosh, like, she never wants

:

00:52:49,289 --> 00:52:51,379

to have sex with me or like, or the.

:

00:52:52,204 --> 00:52:52,434

Yeah.

:

00:52:52,434 --> 00:52:54,274

You're just like, if you guys aren't

coming together in that way, because

:

00:52:54,274 --> 00:52:56,474

it's so important, like, I think

you just need to talk about it.

:

00:52:56,514 --> 00:53:05,474

And then that's on the guy then also to

be mindful of when his spouse is not in

:

00:53:05,804 --> 00:53:11,164

the ovulation phase and do a lot more

work building up, not just like in bed,

:

00:53:11,164 --> 00:53:13,604

but like the hours, the day leading up.

:

00:53:14,009 --> 00:53:15,639

To like romance.

:

00:53:15,639 --> 00:53:17,719

Yeah, romance.

:

00:53:17,799 --> 00:53:19,409

And build that up.

:

00:53:20,139 --> 00:53:20,759

In different ways.

:

00:53:22,639 --> 00:53:27,959

So, one thing I've heard too is also

just those times of waiting take

:

00:53:27,959 --> 00:53:29,209

you back to when you were dating.

:

00:53:29,249 --> 00:53:32,289

And when you were trying to be chaste

and not have sex before you were married.

:

00:53:32,824 --> 00:53:34,624

How did you try and love each other then?

:

00:53:34,674 --> 00:53:37,964

And kind of go back to finding

different ways to love each other.

:

00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:41,584

That's not physically writing

letters, going on a date, doing

:

00:53:41,584 --> 00:53:45,024

an activity together, you know,

just hugging, like whatever it is.

:

00:53:45,024 --> 00:53:50,584

And I would say, I mean,

ultimately like pick a method.

:

00:53:51,084 --> 00:53:55,694

Yeah, if you're struggling, continue to

keep trying to learn it, but like pick

:

00:53:55,744 --> 00:53:59,324

one method and stick to it and stick

to it, regardless of where you are.

:

00:53:59,324 --> 00:54:01,934

Like, it will come in

handy to track your cycle.

:

00:54:02,294 --> 00:54:02,574

Yeah.

:

00:54:02,584 --> 00:54:05,474

Whether you're trying to achieve,

postpone, or just learn more

:

00:54:05,474 --> 00:54:06,524

about your own woman's health.

:

00:54:06,544 --> 00:54:09,004

Like, it's going to be a

huge and I would be a ton of.

:

00:54:10,019 --> 00:54:16,399

And I would say like, encourage your

fiance if, cause this was a girl that

:

00:54:16,429 --> 00:54:20,439

asks, like encourage your fiance or your

spouse to be involved in the process.

:

00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:24,399

Um, there's a lot of guys who don't

get involved and it's just the girl who

:

00:54:24,399 --> 00:54:25,669

tracks everything and knows everything.

:

00:54:25,669 --> 00:54:29,439

But like Trey said it's been super

impactful and life changing for him to

:

00:54:29,439 --> 00:54:35,579

actually know all the ins and outs of the

intricacy of women's bodies and his wife.

:

00:54:36,929 --> 00:54:37,349

Okay.

:

00:54:37,349 --> 00:54:37,969

Last question.

:

00:54:39,784 --> 00:54:47,184

Last question is, how long have you

been trying heart hands, heart emoji.

:

00:54:47,714 --> 00:54:48,764

Thank you for the heart.

:

00:54:48,894 --> 00:54:49,944

Thank you for the love.

:

00:54:50,594 --> 00:54:54,844

Um, I'm assuming they're asking how

long we've been trying for baby.

:

00:54:55,804 --> 00:55:01,034

And that's been two and a half years,

a little bit over two and a half years.

:

00:55:01,534 --> 00:55:07,764

Like we just talked about, we

didn't, uh, actively try for a baby.

:

00:55:07,764 --> 00:55:14,034

We were, Avoiding pregnancy for a few

months and then we started trying, uh,

:

00:55:14,044 --> 00:55:19,364

about nine months into, into marriage or

like eight months or something like that.

:

00:55:21,414 --> 00:55:25,624

So do you want to just like touch a little

bit on like what it's like right now?

:

00:55:26,844 --> 00:55:27,314

Yeah.

:

00:55:27,634 --> 00:55:31,554

There was a few questions on this so we

can just kind of do a quick overview.

:

00:55:31,914 --> 00:55:32,204

Yeah.

:

00:55:32,214 --> 00:55:33,604

I mean it's hard I think.

:

00:55:34,104 --> 00:55:35,604

It's

:

00:55:38,464 --> 00:55:44,194

very challenging and, you know, we go back

and forth between like questioning God

:

00:55:44,224 --> 00:55:47,324

and, you know, trying to figure out why.

:

00:55:47,494 --> 00:55:50,604

And then also just like, trying

to lean into him and we got him

:

00:55:50,604 --> 00:55:52,284

for strength and encouragement.

:

00:55:52,974 --> 00:55:57,544

Um, I mean, we're at this point right

now where we're just like, still trying

:

00:55:57,544 --> 00:56:01,374

to figure out why, like, we don't really

have a clear cut answer right now.

:

00:56:01,514 --> 00:56:03,514

Um, so that's also makes a little bit.

:

00:56:03,919 --> 00:56:09,099

More challenging because there's not

like a, we've had like a few things

:

00:56:09,099 --> 00:56:11,069

come up that we have like addressed.

:

00:56:11,129 --> 00:56:11,669

Yeah.

:

00:56:11,859 --> 00:56:16,859

Um, we don't really share the details

of like our medical journey or anything

:

00:56:16,859 --> 00:56:19,409

like that publicly, but there's been

a few things that have come out that

:

00:56:19,409 --> 00:56:23,189

we've addressed, but nothing that

has like Solved the problem, right?

:

00:56:23,799 --> 00:56:26,919

Um, We're working with

a really great doctor.

:

00:56:27,149 --> 00:56:33,229

We have a lot of hope Like Trey said,

it's it's really hard emotionally

:

00:56:33,239 --> 00:56:37,014

physically spiritually emotionally

Um, and in all aspects, it's the

:

00:56:37,014 --> 00:56:41,184

hardest thing I've ever done in my

entire life or ever gone through.

:

00:56:41,184 --> 00:56:47,384

I think you could maybe say

similarly, uh, harder for you than me.

:

00:56:47,384 --> 00:56:51,054

I mean, it's hard for me,

but it's definitely, it's a

:

00:56:51,054 --> 00:56:51,794

little bit different for you.

:

00:56:52,024 --> 00:56:52,424

Yeah.

:

00:56:52,884 --> 00:56:53,684

Yeah, for sure.

:

00:56:54,214 --> 00:57:02,364

Um, but as hard as it's been and

this is totally, I'm, I'm literally

:

00:57:02,374 --> 00:57:03,804

able to say this because of.

:

00:57:04,274 --> 00:57:07,834

The grace of God, because

it's, like I said, the biggest

:

00:57:07,834 --> 00:57:09,534

cross we've ever carried.

:

00:57:10,524 --> 00:57:14,464

There have been really beautiful

fruits that have come from it.

:

00:57:14,564 --> 00:57:19,064

And I think that's like, one of them

is just such a greater intimacy in

:

00:57:19,064 --> 00:57:22,354

our marriage, just like us being so.

:

00:57:22,724 --> 00:57:28,294

United through this and being our rock

for each other and like biggest support

:

00:57:28,294 --> 00:57:33,414

system, because this is something people

just don't understand until they're in it.

:

00:57:33,524 --> 00:57:34,854

And that's just the reality.

:

00:57:34,894 --> 00:57:39,854

I remember hearing about, you know,

infertility when we were engaged or

:

00:57:39,854 --> 00:57:43,464

married, and it was just a floating

word to me and it didn't mean anything.

:

00:57:43,494 --> 00:57:46,894

And I had no idea really

what that looked like.

:

00:57:46,894 --> 00:57:54,619

And even friends that are in it with

us or Walking alongside us, they have

:

00:57:54,629 --> 00:57:57,669

all the empathy and compassion in the

world, but nobody really understands

:

00:57:57,709 --> 00:57:59,649

like your spouse that's going through it.

:

00:57:59,659 --> 00:58:05,969

So it has been very uniting for each

other, as well as uniting with our

:

00:58:05,979 --> 00:58:08,289

relationship with God, or at least for me.

:

00:58:09,119 --> 00:58:14,659

And that's because I've gone

through trenches of questioning so

:

00:58:14,659 --> 00:58:17,299

much and being so mad at God that.

:

00:58:18,044 --> 00:58:21,984

He somehow brought me full circle,

you know, and has allowed me to

:

00:58:22,744 --> 00:58:27,444

experience all of the feelings and

emotions and has given me the grace.

:

00:58:27,444 --> 00:58:30,784

And mostly Trey has really

encouraged me no matter what I'm

:

00:58:30,784 --> 00:58:32,914

feeling to bring it to the Lord.

:

00:58:32,944 --> 00:58:38,234

Like if I'm super down or if I'm mad or

if I'm hopeful or excited or trusting,

:

00:58:38,284 --> 00:58:41,804

whatever it is that I'm feeling,

you encouraged me to go to the Lord.

:

00:58:41,824 --> 00:58:45,864

And that has radically changed

my relationship with the Lord in

:

00:58:45,864 --> 00:58:47,054

the past two and a half years.

:

00:58:47,324 --> 00:58:49,839

And I'm grateful for that.

:

00:58:49,839 --> 00:58:54,239

As weird as it is to say,

it's like, I'm grateful for

:

00:58:54,239 --> 00:58:55,479

my relationship with the Lord.

:

00:58:55,479 --> 00:58:58,549

And I wouldn't be here

if it wasn't for that.

:

00:58:58,669 --> 00:58:58,979

Yeah.

:

00:58:59,839 --> 00:59:00,069

Yeah.

:

00:59:00,069 --> 00:59:00,859

And there's.

:

00:59:01,884 --> 00:59:08,534

You know, we're never going to know why or

like when God's timing is, or that, yeah.

:

00:59:09,054 --> 00:59:10,554

And there's nothing that we can do.

:

00:59:10,554 --> 00:59:13,664

That's the big thing is like,

ultimately there's nothing that

:

00:59:13,664 --> 00:59:17,934

we can do to make the time now.

:

00:59:17,954 --> 00:59:19,634

Like it's God's time when it's God's time.

:

00:59:20,204 --> 00:59:24,704

Um, so just trying to adapt our will to.

:

00:59:25,199 --> 00:59:34,899

His will and to be radically surrender

us and like in this time of like, no

:

00:59:34,899 --> 00:59:39,739

kids, like just enjoying each other

and, and trying to find the way that

:

00:59:39,739 --> 00:59:43,399

God's calling us to live in this world

and serve him and serve the people

:

00:59:43,399 --> 00:59:48,119

around us and bring forth life to the

world and to our family and friends

:

00:59:48,349 --> 00:59:50,769

without, you know, a physical kid and.

:

00:59:51,244 --> 00:59:56,144

Um, yeah, so that's what we're just trying

to do is just, and that's been a gift too.

:

00:59:56,164 --> 00:59:57,534

It's been, it's been great.

:

00:59:57,614 --> 01:00:00,444

I mean, there's a lot of,

yeah, I know that once we.

:

01:00:00,989 --> 01:00:05,219

We're very confident the Lord is

going to make us parents one day.

:

01:00:05,219 --> 01:00:09,839

And I know once we have kids, it'll be

beautiful and we'll never want to go back.

:

01:00:09,859 --> 01:00:16,399

But at the same time, we cherish this

season so much of just us too, because

:

01:00:16,399 --> 01:00:21,809

we know it's fleeting in the grand scheme

of things and it's very, very special.

:

01:00:21,839 --> 01:00:22,339

And.

:

01:00:22,639 --> 01:00:26,039

You don't get a lot of time in

your marriage, just you two.

:

01:00:26,389 --> 01:00:31,209

And so we've just had some really fun,

beautiful, adventurous memories and

:

01:00:31,209 --> 01:00:34,499

experiences, a lot of travels, a lot

of fun things that we've done together.

:

01:00:34,909 --> 01:00:37,859

Um, just to kind of like, enjoy this time.

:

01:00:38,709 --> 01:00:38,729

Yeah.

:

01:00:38,739 --> 01:00:39,249

Absolutely.

:

01:00:40,449 --> 01:00:40,869

Well.

:

01:00:41,069 --> 01:00:45,379

To wrap it up on that heartfelt note,

we're now going to go eat our pasta.

:

01:00:45,399 --> 01:00:46,839

Yes, but we should do this again.

:

01:00:47,149 --> 01:00:47,979

We should do this again.

:

01:00:49,629 --> 01:00:49,739

Alrighty.

:

01:00:50,009 --> 01:00:50,779

See you next week.

:

01:00:50,879 --> 01:00:51,219

Ciao.

:

01:00:51,799 --> 01:00:52,269

Ciao.

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About the Podcast

Ever Be
A faith and lifestyle podcast.
The Ever Be Podcast is a faith and lifestyle podcast filled with meaningful conversations and practical tips that will inspire and empower you to live a Christ centered life in today’s modern world. Through her own experience of surrendering completely to God and finding true fullness of life, your host Mari Wagner, has committed to having God’s praise “ever be” on her lips and sharing that message with the world. Listen in for insightful, real life conversations and actionable steps on how to claim the full life God created you for.

With over 100K followers and counting, Instagram content creator and founder of the popular Catholic lifestyle brand, West Coast Catholic, Mari Wagner is showing the world how to live a bold, attractive, and fulfilling Catholic life by being in the world but not of it. On the podcast you’ll get a combination of heartfelt solo episodes with Mari, interviews with exciting guests, and up-close and personal time with both the Wagner’s—Mari and Trey. What more could you ask for?!

Finally! Answers to questions you’ve been asking like:
How do I infuse prayer into my daily life? How do I live out my Catholic faith? What is the best dating and marriage advice? What does a good Catholic marriage look like? How do I grow in homemaking skills and build a domestic church? How do I create a beautiful and welcoming home? What does a healthy and balanced lifestyle look like? Is it possible to find a solid community of like minded women?

Host Mari Wagner covers topics that you actually care about from faith life, to relationships and marriage, to homemaking, to healthy living. Each episode is crafted to resonate with your challenges and aspirations as a modern Christian woman seeking purpose, balance, and joy.

Tune into the Ever Be Podcast for valuable advice, relatable stories, expert insights and just some fun girl chats with someone who really gets you. Hit play to get out of the rut you constantly feel yourself in, and subscribe to join the community and experience the fullness of life Jesus has in store for you.

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Mari Wagner