31: Non-Negotiables To Look For In a Future Spouse

Speaker: 00:00:06

Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner,

and you're listening to the ever be

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podcast where faith meets lifestyle.

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Pull up a chair and listen in for

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and actionable steps on how to claim

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If you're a woman desiring to live

a Christ centered life in today's

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modern world, then this is for you.

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Welcome to Ever Be.

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mari-wagner_3_10-15-2024_171802:

All right.

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Well, today we're going to get real

law on a topic that I think is really

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important, especially in the dating world.

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Um, and I think it's going to be

relevant to a lot of young Christian

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and Catholics, um, in college, in their

twenties, in their thirties, those

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years where you are dating around and

ultimately trying to find a spouse,

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somebody to So Trey's here with me today.

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Hello, I'm back.

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I brought him on because I thought

that for this topic, it would be really

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helpful to have both a woman's and a

man's perspective as we're both looking

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for a spouse, both men and women.

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And, um, it's always just great to

have kind of like that full Yeah.

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You always seem to bring me on for

the episodes about relationships

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because people want to know girls.

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Okay.

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And probably the majority of the

listeners are women and we all want to

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know what the guy thinks when it comes

to relationships and love and dating.

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So this gives us really helpful insight.

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Trying to try to provide

some other insight.

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So we're going to be chatting about, like

we said, what should you be looking for?

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Um, when you are dating somebody,

what are kind of those non negotiables

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that we feel like are important

to look for when you are dating?

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Looking for a spouse,

um, for a future spouse.

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And I do want to say like

all of these were things that

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we found really important.

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And I think probably all of

them were, are non negotiables.

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And I think that that might vary

a little bit person to person.

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So we're not God and we're not the

church and like, This isn't like exactly

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church teaching necessarily of like

what you must look for in a future

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spouse, but I will say I think it's

a really solid group of attributes to

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look for in a man or a woman to marry,

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and you might have a few others, uh, to

add as well under your own non negotiables

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list, but this is, this is ours.

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And I think that these non negotiables,

we have seen the wisdom and value in

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them even more so now three, almost

four years of being married that we

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might not have seen when we were in

college and we weren't just dating.

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Um, so there is some little added insight.

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To these non negotiables that now we see

the value in them even more so than we

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might have Uh when we were just dating.

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Yeah

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so let's just get right into it.

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Uh, the top attribute that I think

both of us, not, I think I know that

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both of us were like super adamant

about and was a big non negotiable

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for us is to find someone that

was really rooted in their faith.

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Yeah.

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To find a man or woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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So for me, that was trying to find

somebody that loves God primarily,

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that my faith was a lived.

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Relationship with God, like it wasn't

just that they were checking the boxes

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off going to mass on Sunday But that

they had a living relationship with God.

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And so that meant that they were praying

often and Uh, the faith was a priority in

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their life and not just in the backseat.

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And yeah, I mean, those are just some of

the characteristics that I would say would

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describe somebody that I was looking for.

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That was a woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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And I think for me, it was

really important for me to

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find a man who was like really

practicing their Catholic faith.

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I was looking for a man who was.

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A practicing Catholic.

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Um, I really wanted a man that was

going to lead me in my Catholic faith

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and encourage me and help me grow.

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And so I wanted someone that already had

that as like a priority in their life.

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And essentially someone who is

really actively seeking Christ

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and wanting to follow Christ.

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Um, I, I really wasn't interested in

someone who maybe grew up Christian or

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grew up Catholic and like believed in

God, but like hadn't really practiced in

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a while or it wasn't actually their top

priority in their life just because of

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where I was in my faith and my journey

and the type of person that I was looking

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to be my future husband and future

father of my children, hopefully one day.

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Okay.

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So.

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One of the things to look for

is, first of all, I mean, are

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they even going to church?

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Is that a priority in their schedule

to make time to worship God?

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Um, do they pray at all?

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Do they have any sort of prayer life

or is there any effort to kind of

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develop that deep relationship with

God that you were talking about?

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Um, and I think also like, are they

seeking for growth in the area of faith?

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Like, do they have any interest in

maybe a small group or a Bible study?

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Study or do they have community around

them of Christians or Catholics that

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are building them up in the faith?

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Mm-Hmm.

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. Yeah.

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I mean, the faith is a primary and

very important part of your life.

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Like it's going to be an

important part of your life for

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the whole, your whole future.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. And, and your marriage.

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And your marriage, and then

eventually your family.

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And so like that is a very important

part of your life that like you

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should share with your spouse and with

your family and be united in that.

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And so.

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For us, I mean, I think that it's A

very like number one non negotiable.

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Yeah.

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The person you're looking for

is a man, a woman of faith.

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Yeah.

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And I will say too, like the Lord,

you know, if you have a deep and

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personal relationship with God,

I mean, obviously start there.

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Um, in college when I was dating or

when I was looking for a man to marry,

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there was a moment in confession

where the priest was, um, kind of

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just asking me straight up, like you

want a good Catholic man to marry.

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Right.

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And I was like, Yes, father.

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And he said, okay, are you the type

of woman that that good Catholic

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man is going to want to marry?

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And that was a really good gut check for

me to realize in my life, like, where

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are the areas that I need to grow in?

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And I'm, I trying to live out and

grow in these virtues that I'm

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looking for in a good Catholic man.

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And so if you're pursuing your.

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relationship with God and you're,

um, deepening your prayer life and

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making time and space for the Lord in

your schedule and in your life, then

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you're going to have more clarity

in your discernment process as well.

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And you're going to attract.

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Christ centered man, because they're also

gonna be looking for a running partner,

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like a Christ centered woman to run with.

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Yeah.

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And so what I was going to say

about discernment is that like,

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you're going to have more clarity

in your discernment process.

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And so the Lord, I just want to say

this as like, as a side note, like the

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Lord might call you to date someone

who is not exactly of your religion.

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Um, Do I recommend it?

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No, because I think that it's really

vital to a healthy marriage and family.

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Although I know that there are

circumstances where maybe a Christian

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is called to marry a Catholic and a

Catholic is called to marry a Christian.

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And it might not be the exact same

denomination, but I think that if you

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are solid in your relationship with God,

the Lord's going to make that clear.

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Um, and there have been beautiful

relationships and marriages have have come

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from people who are pursuing the Lord.

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Like, Both within the realm of

Christianity, but maybe in their

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individual, um, denominations.

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And a lot of the times we have

seen faith strengthened and even

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conversions happen, um, into the

church through that relationship.

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Yeah, totally.

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Want to move on to number two?

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Yeah.

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Number two would be a person

that lives virtuously.

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And so we were talking about this a little

bit before, and I think the word virtue is

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not something that we probably would have.

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Yeah.

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I didn't really know what that

word meant for a long time.

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Yeah.

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So yeah.

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When I was in college, I would not have

been telling my friends, Oh my gosh, I'm

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looking for a woman that lives virtuously

in the vocabulary of a college man.

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So even though I might not have

called it a woman of virtue, What I

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was looking for was a woman that was

responsible, was genuine, was mature,

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like somebody who wasn't going out with

a bunch of different guys all at once.

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And like, I'm getting drunk and, uh,

and living just a very, you know,

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I, I wanted a woman that I could

trust that would raise my kids.

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Well, and someone that I

respected and admired and.

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And like, what, like, what virtue

is, is it's, it's moderation.

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It's not an excess or a defect

of deficit of a certain quality.

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It's, it's right in the middle.

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It's, it's the perfect moderation

of that specific quality.

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And so, uh, and like, that's what.

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Virtue isn't that that's what I was

looking for because those people are

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attractive and, and you know that that's

somebody that's going to make for a good

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wife and a good mom in the long run.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And in the long run, I mean, marriage

is about getting your spouse to heaven.

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So when you're looking for somebody

to marry, Are they actively

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pursuing Christ in their life?

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Are they actively, like, following

Him and what He taught and

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living a Christ centered life?

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Are they actively rooting out sin?

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Um, because these are the type

of people that are, like, working

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towards Heaven and, like, orienting

their life towards Heaven.

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And if that's their goal, Then it's going

to translate into your marriage and how

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you love each other, how you try to get

each other to heaven is going to come from

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that foundation of living a virtuous life.

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Like even before you met each other.

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And so I think for, for me, like for

a guy, like I was looking again, yeah,

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for somebody who was like mature and

responsible and especially somebody

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who was reliable, um, somebody who

was, like I said, like really strong

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in his faith, really strong in his

values, someone that would not like.

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Be easily shaken because I think like as

women, like we look for the man to be this

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like anchoring, um, person and like place

of refuge for us to feel safe, to be able

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to feel protected, to be provided for.

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Um, and so for me, from even an early

age, I was like, I want this person to

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be just like a solid place of refuge

in a solid place of like stability,

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um, that's founded upon the Lord.

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I think other practical things

too within this would be like,

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does he take care of his health?

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Does he like have an orderly space?

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Um, I think it's really easy for

like all guy houses or even just like

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single bachelor men to kind of like

not really care about those things

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and not really like watch what they're

eating or like keep an orderly home.

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And I think that's part of maturity and,

um, um, Yeah, like, they're not a slob.

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Like, you don't want to

date somebody who's a slob.

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And if they are not a slob, that, I

think, shows a sign of self respect,

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self discipline, maturity, and virtue.

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Mm hmm.

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Yeah, self discipline.

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Yeah, and then for a woman, you

know, somebody who's selfless,

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who's, like, nurturing, you know,

these motherly qualities, uh,

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someone who's really grounded in

just who they are and confident in.

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Who they are as a woman

and then their femininity.

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Um, those are all, you know,

qualities that I was looking for.

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I think another really important

thing, and I mean this, this

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can go under the umbrella of

virtue or, I mean, I have it as.

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Um, a whole separate thing that I

was looking for, um, in a man is his

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willingness to serve and sacrifice.

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And this is just cause like the

reality of marriage and family life

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is that it requires a lot of you.

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It requires a lot of self gift

in sacrifice in selflessness.

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And If the person that you're looking

for, you know, or that you're dating

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at a young age, um, or even just

like before you even enter into more

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serious parts of the relationship,

isn't exemplifying that it's tough.

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Cause like, it's only going to get

harder and you're only going to be

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requiring more sacrifice and more

selflessness throughout the relationship.

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And so that was something that was

really important for me when I was

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looking for Amanda, Mary was like, is he?

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Is he able to suffer?

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Is he able to sacrifice?

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Is he willing to kind of like lay down

his needs and, um, his desires for me?

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Yeah.

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Like this concept of serving and

sacrificing and being selfless,

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like only the demands of that only

grow as your relationship grows.

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And so, you know, when you're dating.

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Or when you're single, there's

nothing that's or hardly anything

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that's like, demanded of you.

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That's requiring you to, uh, put other

needs or things above your own needs or

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requiring you to sacrifice in any way.

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And then you start dating somebody,

and then, you know, you have to

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maybe go where they want to go,

or, like, do what they want to do.

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And like, there are little.

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Asks of sacrifice that are required

and even like just sacrifice like time.

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Oh yeah.

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Like time, like invest in the relationship

and like go on dates or talk on the

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phone or show that interest totally.

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And then you get engaged.

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And then that there's another level of

like requirements of laying down your

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own life, putting the other needs in

front of their own, you know, helping

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the woman prepare to be a bride or.

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Try not to be avoid being a bridezilla

like like there are going to be like

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further stretches of your ability to

sacrifice and serve Yeah, and then you

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get married and then that's a whole

nother world of like, yeah engagement

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dating was like a little taste of it But

then all of a sudden you get married and

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you're thrust into having to sacrifice

and serve every single day And then

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you got family and kids like then it

just it just continues to multiply.

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Yeah, man's Of like how well

you can give up yourself.

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And so being able to recognize and see.

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Like that the other is capable

of that early on is huge.

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Yeah, and I think it might sound silly

to say that like this is all a sacrifice

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because usually when you're dating It's

like there's all this like honeymoon

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energy and you're just like absolutely

like smitten with each other and it's not

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necessarily viewed as a sacrifice to Give

up time or to do what they want to do.

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But the reality is that the more

serious your relationship gets, right.

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As you move into engagement and

marriage, hopefully become parents,

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the more this person and this vocation

becomes a priority in your life.

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And the more it should become

a priority in your life.

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And so the more, that's why I like.

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That's why you're sacrificing

more and more in your life.

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Whereas like this more serious

relationship gets, or when you move

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into right, the next phases of becoming

fiances and then spouses, the more you are

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putting this person as the first priority,

obviously after the Lord in your life over

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your friends and your family, which is why

like they require more of your time and

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your energy and a priority in your life.

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Yeah, totally.

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And I think like, sacrifice and

service is the bread of marriage.

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It's like the, that is the daily

requirements and like almost like Annie

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that's required play the game of marriage.

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It's like, it's just every

day you have to wake up and be

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willing to sacrifice and serve.

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And I, I know that you say this a lot

too, of just like the essence of love

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is like willing to give to the other and

like putting others needs before yours.

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And so essentially it's just like

learning to love better as you

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develop this relationship and are

looking for someone like, do they

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have a capacity to love well?

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Part of that is like, are they willing

to like will the good of the other

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and put their needs before mine?

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Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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So that's huge.

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Absolutely.

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That's huge.

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So I think like practically how

you can look at this, you know,

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in, in the dating years could be

like, does he sacrifice time with

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his friends to spend time with you?

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Right?

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Is he prioritizing dates on your schedule?

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Or is he just always You know, going

and playing video games with his

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friends at night instead of calling you.

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Mm-Hmm.

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or he's sacrificing time with the boys.

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Mm-Hmm.

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to spend a Saturday.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. Or a Sunday not watching football

to be with the person he's dating.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. I think another easy thing too

is, um, does he walk you home?

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Does he drive you home?

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Does he like offer to pick you up

and drive kind of just those, like,

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I think very common courtesies that.

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: 00:16:12

Yeah.

309

: 00:16:12

We don't often think of very often.

310

: 00:16:14

And I think more and more in our culture,

dating is getting more and more casual.

311

: 00:16:18

And I think that those, those classic

qualities of a gentleman of like

312

: 00:16:22

coming to the door to pick you up on

your date, instead of like honking

313

: 00:16:25

on the street, like, Hey, I'm here,

you know, or even just texting like

314

: 00:16:28

here, like, will he come to the door?

315

: 00:16:30

Will he walk you home?

316

: 00:16:31

Um, will he.

317

: 00:16:33

Like offer to drive will

he open doors for you?

318

: 00:16:36

Like if you have a big suitcase, like

will he carry it down to the car for

319

: 00:16:39

you and offer basically like offer?

320

: 00:16:41

Like how he can help you and how he

can um, just like make your life easier

321

: 00:16:45

and sweeter in different little ways

322

: 00:16:48

yeah, I mean, I think you're right.

323

: 00:16:49

Like, those are maybe like some

lost like qualities that men

324

: 00:16:54

aren't maybe doing as much anymore.

325

: 00:16:56

But I think it's really important that 1.

326

: 00:16:59

We as guys do those things, but then

to that, those are just like little

327

: 00:17:03

ways to identify in a man like that.

328

: 00:17:06

Oh, that they're capable and willing

to put my needs first and to serve me.

329

: 00:17:11

And for like a woman, I'm thinking,

like, how, what are ways that

330

: 00:17:16

you as women can show these

qualities of sacrifice and service?

331

: 00:17:21

And I think it's, I mean, At the risk of

sounding cliche, it's like making a dinner

332

: 00:17:28

and a meal for the date night as opposed

to like ordering Chick fil A takeout,

333

: 00:17:33

you know, um, or it's offering to help

clean up or organize, you know, your

334

: 00:17:39

boyfriend's room and like maybe decorate

their room if their walls are pretty bare.

335

: 00:17:43

Like it's.

336

: 00:17:45

finding ways to like love and serve the

man that, you know, maybe that they aren't

337

: 00:17:51

able or aren't as good at as you would be.

338

: 00:17:54

And so those are some ideas.

339

: 00:17:56

Yeah.

340

: 00:17:56

I think it's about like really finding

that complementarity of men and women,

341

: 00:18:00

even early on in like, how are the

gifts that we're given as women?

342

: 00:18:05

How does that serve the gifts

that you're given as a man?

343

: 00:18:08

And how, you know, Like, do your strengths

as a man compliment us as women and

344

: 00:18:12

maybe like what we're not as good at?

345

: 00:18:14

Um, I think too, one other thing that

came to mind, which is a little bit

346

: 00:18:18

more on like the suffering side than the

sacrifice is like, can this person suffer?

347

: 00:18:22

Well, like, how do they

deal with suffering?

348

: 00:18:24

And I think that that's really

important because, you There's

349

: 00:18:26

going to be hard times in your life.

350

: 00:18:28

You're going to come to really difficult

moments that you have to tackle

351

: 00:18:31

together in marriage and in family life.

352

: 00:18:33

And so what does this person do in the

face of suffering, um, or conflict?

353

: 00:18:39

Do you know, do they just get angry

and run away or give up or spiral?

354

: 00:18:44

Or do they lean in?

355

: 00:18:45

Do they, you know, press on?

356

: 00:18:47

Do they show up and try and problem solve

or, um, You know, lean into the Lord

357

: 00:18:53

in their time of suffering or express

what they're going through or find help

358

: 00:18:57

or try and like find the resolution.

359

: 00:18:59

I think it's really

important too to like kind of

360

: 00:19:02

really watch for like how this

person deals with difficulty

361

: 00:19:06

and suffering from early on.

362

: 00:19:07

That's huge.

363

: 00:19:08

I mean, that's going to be a huge part of

your marriage, uh, conflict and suffering.

364

: 00:19:13

And so that's just life.

365

: 00:19:14

So I think finding somebody who can

handle those and being able to like

366

: 00:19:20

compliment and support each other

during those difficult times is huge.

367

: 00:19:25

Next.

368

: 00:19:25

Um, we have somebody that makes

you a better version of yourself

369

: 00:19:32

slash like, Just makes you come

alive into more of who you are.

370

: 00:19:36

And I think that this was something

that I didn't necessarily know how to

371

: 00:19:39

name when I was looking for a future

spouse, but it really clicked for me when

372

: 00:19:44

I met Trey, because I felt like this.

373

: 00:19:48

more fuller version of myself

came alive when we were dating.

374

: 00:19:53

And when I, I mean, even before

we were dating, when we were like

375

: 00:19:56

starting to be friends was when I

really started to notice like, wow,

376

: 00:19:59

like I am so free to be myself.

377

: 00:20:01

I'm so free to, um, like not hold anything

back and just kind of like let like the

378

: 00:20:08

fullest version of me, like come alive.

379

: 00:20:10

And along with that, um, Maybe it was

just how our relationship was going,

380

: 00:20:14

but I think it has to do a lot with

our personalities and our values.

381

: 00:20:19

Like we were pushing each other to

grow in different areas of our life

382

: 00:20:23

and essentially become like a better

version than we were without each other.

383

: 00:20:28

Yeah.

384

: 00:20:28

I mean, I can just say for myself, I

felt like once I started dating you,

385

: 00:20:33

it really like, I came, I came alive

and I came out of my shell more.

386

: 00:20:39

Like I was, Like almost more fun, more

goofy, more, more silly, like more happy.

387

: 00:20:46

But then I was also like

experiencing emotion, like more

388

: 00:20:51

fully like the good and the bad.

389

: 00:20:55

And so, uh, I became more passionate.

390

: 00:20:58

Like, I just felt like I was almost.

391

: 00:21:00

Um, like these qualities and like

personality traits that I had

392

: 00:21:04

became amplified after dating you.

393

: 00:21:07

I love that.

394

: 00:21:08

And I mean, I definitely felt that too.

395

: 00:21:10

And I think another reason why this

is important and I want to make the

396

: 00:21:13

differentiation, like we're not, I

don't necessarily love the saying

397

: 00:21:17

of like you're better half or like

they complete you or whatever.

398

: 00:21:20

It's just truly like.

399

: 00:21:22

Why would you not want to be with

someone that pushes you to be better?

400

: 00:21:26

Like this is the person that you're

going to spend your entire Life with

401

: 00:21:31

your entire marriage with, and you truly

like take on each other's qualities

402

: 00:21:36

and each other's habits and each

other's like chasing like passions.

403

: 00:21:40

And if you don't have someone that's

encouraging you to grow, to be a

404

: 00:21:46

more fuller version of yourself

and to seek, um, just growth in

405

: 00:21:49

different areas of your life, then.

406

: 00:21:52

You're going to be moving backwards.

407

: 00:21:54

I feel like there's not

really like a middle ground.

408

: 00:21:56

There's not really like

a staying the same.

409

: 00:21:58

I feel like if you're not like pursuing

growth and pursuing, you know, deeper

410

: 00:22:03

faith or virtue or betterment of yourself

and betterment of like those areas that

411

: 00:22:08

we all, We all have areas we need work on.

412

: 00:22:11

Then we're just being complacent

and we're just going backwards.

413

: 00:22:14

And so having somebody that is

truly pushing you to be a better

414

: 00:22:17

version of yourself is going to be

really beautiful in the long run.

415

: 00:22:21

And really, like I said, like

help you become that Saint that's

416

: 00:22:24

going to get to heaven and help

you be a better wife and mother.

417

: 00:22:27

Yeah.

418

: 00:22:28

I mean, it's just like what people say

over and over again, like you become

419

: 00:22:32

Like the people who spend most time

with, and so your spouse has been with

420

: 00:22:36

the person you spend most time with.

421

: 00:22:37

So you want them to help you make you

a better person instead of regressing

422

: 00:22:43

back to somebody you don't want to be.

423

: 00:22:45

Um, and then also the, like, there's

people that we've known that have

424

: 00:22:52

dated somebody, and they've almost.

425

: 00:22:55

Like when they're around this person

or when they start dating this person,

426

: 00:22:59

it almost like the qualities of

them, like their personalities were

427

: 00:23:03

almost like dwarfed or like numbed.

428

: 00:23:07

Like dimmed?

429

: 00:23:08

Like dimmed.

430

: 00:23:09

Yes.

431

: 00:23:09

That's the word.

432

: 00:23:10

Like, they became like

more of a dimmed person

433

: 00:23:14

and so they're, they're like

personality traits that made them.

434

: 00:23:18

So them were like dimmed a little

bit and made them like hide, like

435

: 00:23:23

more hide more into their shell.

436

: 00:23:25

Kind of like you were saying before.

437

: 00:23:26

Yeah.

438

: 00:23:26

And so I think that's just like a

very way to like, I don't identify

439

: 00:23:31

like, is this person bringing me out

of myself and like making me more

440

: 00:23:35

alive or making me feel like more me?

441

: 00:23:39

Yeah.

442

: 00:23:40

Or is, you know, like it might become

more dimmed and more like of a shell

443

: 00:23:45

of who I am around this person.

444

: 00:23:47

Yeah.

445

: 00:23:48

Totally.

446

: 00:23:49

Okay.

447

: 00:23:49

Let's talk about family.

448

: 00:23:50

This one is, is very important.

449

: 00:23:52

And I think that we have realized

it's become more and more important

450

: 00:23:55

as we've grown into our marriage.

451

: 00:23:58

Oh yeah.

452

: 00:23:59

This is huge.

453

: 00:23:59

This was something that I felt like, yeah,

I was kind of told, and I kind of knew

454

: 00:24:04

in the back of my head like, oh yeah.

455

: 00:24:05

Yeah.

456

: 00:24:05

Yeah.

457

: 00:24:06

Like you're married into the family

and like, it's important to consider

458

: 00:24:09

who your in laws are going to be.

459

: 00:24:11

But like when you're just in love

with a person, it's easy to like

460

: 00:24:16

look over the fact of their family.

461

: 00:24:19

And just be like, I don't even care.

462

: 00:24:21

Yeah, exactly.

463

: 00:24:21

And so I felt like this has been really

huge and important and I felt like

464

: 00:24:28

I didn't recognize the importance of

this when I was dating and getting

465

: 00:24:31

engaged, but now that I'm married,

this is one where it's like, okay, wow.

466

: 00:24:35

This was something like understanding,

knowing, and loving the family of

467

: 00:24:39

the, of the person that you're dating

is, should be way more important

468

: 00:24:43

than I realized in that I gave it.

469

: 00:24:46

Yeah.

470

: 00:24:47

And I think it might vary depending on

your family cultures that well as well.

471

: 00:24:51

But I think for us, like family

is really important to us.

472

: 00:24:53

So we knew that we wanted to

be involved in each other's

473

: 00:24:57

families and, um, prioritize

time with each other's families.

474

: 00:25:00

And so for us, it means.

475

: 00:25:02

We spend a lot of time

with each other's families.

476

: 00:25:04

And we hope that one day when we

have kids, like our kids will get

477

: 00:25:07

to really know their extended family

members, their grandparents, their

478

: 00:25:10

aunts and uncles, their cousins.

479

: 00:25:12

And so it means that like the people

that you're bringing into your life,

480

: 00:25:16

like your in laws, like are really

going to be an integral part of maybe

481

: 00:25:20

your day to day life if you live near

them or, um, you know, big important

482

: 00:25:24

times of the year, like holidays

and Christmases and Thanksgiving and

483

: 00:25:27

people that are going to be around your

children as well and have an influence.

484

: 00:25:31

In your children.

485

: 00:25:33

So I think family is, is really important

and I think that it's worth, um, really

486

: 00:25:37

getting to know the person's family that

you're dating once it becomes really

487

: 00:25:41

serious, getting to know maybe a little

bit of like the family history, how

488

: 00:25:45

they were raised or what kind of values

the parents, um, and the family have.

489

: 00:25:50

Oh, things like that.

490

: 00:25:51

Yeah.

491

: 00:25:52

And I mean, no family is

ever going to be perfect.

492

: 00:25:54

Absolutely.

493

: 00:25:55

And like, we know there's broken families.

494

: 00:25:57

Yes.

495

: 00:25:57

Man.

496

: 00:25:58

But it's.

497

: 00:25:59

Just recognizing the importance that

family plays and how that's going to

498

: 00:26:03

affect your life, your marriage, your own

family, and your own Children's lives.

499

: 00:26:07

And so just.

500

: 00:26:08

Understanding the importance and gravity

of the family you're marrying into is the

501

: 00:26:15

point I think we're trying to make here

is just recognize the importance of that.

502

: 00:26:19

Um, and don't overlook it.

503

: 00:26:22

Yeah.

504

: 00:26:23

And, and anything that like

comes with a family, like Trey

505

: 00:26:25

said, like no family's perfect.

506

: 00:26:27

There's broken families,

there's woundedness in family.

507

: 00:26:29

There are bad habits or vices

that come from families and

508

: 00:26:33

that are passed down too.

509

: 00:26:34

And so really just like know that,

And discern that when you're making

510

: 00:26:39

these choices of like, are my going

to get more serious with this person?

511

: 00:26:43

Is this somebody that I would actually

be interested in marrying and, um,

512

: 00:26:46

essentially like marrying into the

family and just knowing like the

513

: 00:26:50

Lord might be calling you to marry

that person, even if they come from a

514

: 00:26:52

broken family, that doesn't mean that

this person is not the person you're

515

: 00:26:55

supposed to marry or a bad person at all.

516

: 00:26:57

Like, so, unfortunately, so many

people come from broken families.

517

: 00:27:02

Um, and so, you know, It's more about like

that discernment and knowledge of like, I

518

: 00:27:06

know what I'm taking on and I accept that.

519

: 00:27:09

And I know that the Lord is

going like to bless that.

520

: 00:27:13

Yeah, exactly.

521

: 00:27:14

Okay, next I'm really big about this

I feel like it's really important

522

: 00:27:18

to find a man especially that is

Driven and motivated like somebody

523

: 00:27:24

that is a hard worker and has goals

and aspirations in their life.

524

: 00:27:28

Like somebody who wants more for

their life or maybe it's like super

525

: 00:27:32

passionate about their career and

wanting to develop their skills

526

: 00:27:37

or like, um, grow in their career.

527

: 00:27:40

Um, and I think traditionally,

I mean, the husband and father

528

: 00:27:43

is the provider of the family.

529

: 00:27:44

And if you haven't noticed

already, we, we, we.

530

: 00:27:46

Try and abide by pretty

traditional values.

531

: 00:27:48

And so for me, that was really

important, like looking for someone

532

: 00:27:52

who I could rely on being a provider,

um, being a protector for the family.

533

: 00:27:56

And I knew that if it was a man who

wasn't willing to work hard and wasn't

534

: 00:28:00

willing to be motivated and driven and.

535

: 00:28:02

And like reach his goals and aspirations,

then he likely wouldn't be somebody that I

536

: 00:28:07

could depend on to provide for our family.

537

: 00:28:09

Holy.

538

: 00:28:10

Yeah.

539

: 00:28:10

Yeah.

540

: 00:28:11

I mean, I think that's huge.

541

: 00:28:11

I think too, like, if you know as a

woman, like my dream is to be a stay at

542

: 00:28:16

home mom, well you have to find a man

that's going to make that dream a reality.

543

: 00:28:21

And so like they have, you have to

find a man who is in the line of work

544

: 00:28:25

and has the drive and has the drive

and commitment to be able to make

545

: 00:28:29

enough money for you to stay at home.

546

: 00:28:31

Or else.

547

: 00:28:32

You know, you won't have the means and

you'll have to work and like, that's fine.

548

: 00:28:35

Like, and if someone would like,

love their careers and love to

549

: 00:28:38

work and like, that's great too.

550

: 00:28:39

Yeah.

551

: 00:28:39

But, um, either way, I think like

finding a man that is motivated

552

: 00:28:47

and has drive, it bleeds into all

areas of life in your marriage.

553

: 00:28:52

Aside from just the.

554

: 00:28:53

Financial career standpoint, like it

also bleeds into just like how much

555

: 00:28:58

he's going to, you know, be committed

and loving of your children and, uh,

556

: 00:29:01

like fighting for your marriage when

you're on the rocks and like, these are

557

: 00:29:05

hard and there's difficulties and, you

know, and like, I don't know, like a man

558

: 00:29:09

that's attract or a man that has drive

and motivation is just more attractive.

559

: 00:29:14

Of a person and like, yeah,

they're a better person to be

560

: 00:29:17

around than somebody who is just

as like super slothful and lazy.

561

: 00:29:22

And yeah.

562

: 00:29:22

And I think it just goes back to

that original kind of thing you

563

: 00:29:25

mentioned at some point at the

beginning, like that self discipline.

564

: 00:29:28

And I was talking about like somebody who

takes care of themselves and like works

565

: 00:29:32

to have a healthy lifestyle that also

comes with like motivation and drive.

566

: 00:29:37

To make something more of themselves than

what is just like the baseline, you know,

567

: 00:29:42

again, it goes back to like, not finding

someone who just wants to be complacent.

568

: 00:29:47

point that's just want to

bring up that's pretty brief.

569

: 00:29:50

Like, find a woman that wants.

570

: 00:29:54

To have to be a mom and find a father,

find a man that wants to be a father.

571

: 00:29:57

Like those are very fundamental

things to like, make sure that the

572

: 00:30:02

person that you're dating is going

to become your spouse has the same

573

: 00:30:07

family plan and ideals that you do.

574

: 00:30:09

Yeah.

575

: 00:30:10

I think this is a.

576

: 00:30:11

Honestly, a huge make or

break for a lot of people.

577

: 00:30:13

And I think this is something

that I really want to stress.

578

: 00:30:15

Like it's an important

conversation to have.

579

: 00:30:18

I would say like pretty early on, like,

don't leave it till you get super serious

580

: 00:30:22

and are about to get engaged to be

like, okay, so like, do you want kids?

581

: 00:30:25

Because they might not.

582

: 00:30:27

And I've heard of situations where this

has happened, where they get super into

583

: 00:30:31

their relationship and they're pretty

sure they're going to get married.

584

: 00:30:33

And then the truth comes out and she

never wanted kids in the first place.

585

: 00:30:36

And.

586

: 00:30:37

You know, maybe the guy

thought that she was going to

587

: 00:30:39

change her mind or vice versa.

588

: 00:30:40

She always wanted kids and he really

wasn't interested in being a father.

589

: 00:30:43

And maybe she thought she would convince

him down the road or she didn't think

590

: 00:30:46

that he was that serious about it.

591

: 00:30:48

And that, that's a huge make or

break moment for the relationship.

592

: 00:30:50

So I think very early on, just kind of

like figure that out and make that clear,

593

: 00:30:54

at least on your end, that like, Your goal

is to be a mom or to be a dad and you're

594

: 00:30:58

interested in children and family life.

595

: 00:31:01

That's a big part of marriage.

596

: 00:31:02

Huge.

597

: 00:31:03

All right.

598

: 00:31:03

Next is find someone who has similar

aspirations, life goals, just like an

599

: 00:31:10

aligned vision, vision for your life.

600

: 00:31:13

Because That's just going to make

things so much more fun, so much easier

601

: 00:31:17

and smoother, like, I feel like the

amount of, like, hard discussions

602

: 00:31:23

and maybe arguments will be lessened.

603

: 00:31:25

Like, if there's somebody that you find

that has that same vision for life.

604

: 00:31:31

Then it'll just be a

smoother ride, honestly.

605

: 00:31:34

Yeah.

606

: 00:31:34

In the end marriage, like you're going

to be building your life together.

607

: 00:31:38

And so you want to be a united front.

608

: 00:31:39

You want to like view it as

like teamwork and like you guys

609

: 00:31:42

are tackling life together.

610

: 00:31:44

And like Trey was saying, if you have

aligned visions, like you're able

611

: 00:31:48

to work towards that goal so much

faster and so much more effectively.

612

: 00:31:52

I think that like, I remember when we

were first engaged or when we first

613

: 00:31:56

got married, I would either maybe hear

this on Instagram or some people in

614

: 00:32:00

person were kind of like, they would

have the, the attitude that getting

615

: 00:32:03

married, especially young, the attitude

that getting married young was really

616

: 00:32:07

going to like set us back in our

dreams or in our goals or set us back.

617

: 00:32:12

maybe like financially or just like, Set

us back like success wise in our life.

618

: 00:32:17

And we actually, I feel like

we've proven that to be false.

619

: 00:32:20

And we have found that even across

the board with like all of our married

620

: 00:32:23

friends, like when you have two people

working towards a goal together, you

621

: 00:32:27

get there faster and more effectively

when you're both a united front

622

: 00:32:30

than if it was just you on your own.

623

: 00:32:32

And so, first of all, like let's

dispel the myth that like marriage

624

: 00:32:36

is like this ball and chain

that holds you back from life.

625

: 00:32:39

It's not, I would argue that.

626

: 00:32:41

If this is the vocation God's

calling you to be in, it's going

627

: 00:32:44

to propel you forward because it's

God's will for you to be in it.

628

: 00:32:47

And then two, that's why it's so important

to find someone that really has that

629

: 00:32:51

aligned, like values and vision of

what they want their life to look like.

630

: 00:32:56

And this is something you can also

build like while you're dating, like

631

: 00:32:58

maybe you don't meet someone and

right off the bat, you're like, Oh

632

: 00:33:01

my gosh, we have all the same dreams.

633

: 00:33:02

But like, as you're building your

relationship, You find that alignment

634

: 00:33:06

and you find those shared goals that

you have, um, together as a family.

635

: 00:33:10

Yeah.

636

: 00:33:10

I mean, this is your life partner

and like, you don't want your spouse

637

: 00:33:14

to be the one that's preventing

your dreams from coming true.

638

: 00:33:17

Like that's just going to create such

problems and friction in the marriage.

639

: 00:33:20

So.

640

: 00:33:22

That'll be a much smoother ride.

641

: 00:33:23

If you guys have life

alignment, we'll call it.

642

: 00:33:26

Yes.

643

: 00:33:27

And lastly, our piece of advice is look

for somebody that you have fun with.

644

: 00:33:33

And essentially that

becomes your best friend.

645

: 00:33:35

And this is a claim that I've

made on my Instagram before.

646

: 00:33:38

And I would say most

people are in agreement.

647

: 00:33:40

I have gotten some pushback in

the past of people saying like

648

: 00:33:42

your spouse doesn't have to be

your best friend, but I disagree.

649

: 00:33:45

I fully believe your spouse should be

your best friend and the person that

650

: 00:33:49

you are dating, you know, and hoping to

be your future spouse, like you should

651

: 00:33:53

really enjoy time with that person and

really be building a foundation of a

652

: 00:33:58

strong friendship in your relationship.

653

: 00:34:00

And maybe they don't have to be

your best friend, but it's way

654

: 00:34:04

better if they are, they don't

have to be, but it's way better.

655

: 00:34:07

I promise you.

656

: 00:34:08

Yeah.

657

: 00:34:08

And I want to clarify that.

658

: 00:34:09

We're not saying like, you have to date

your best, your current best friend.

659

: 00:34:12

Like, if you have a guy, best

friend or girl, best friend, it

660

: 00:34:14

doesn't mean we're saying that

that's the person you have to marry.

661

: 00:34:16

But when you find.

662

: 00:34:18

When you're, when you're dating someone,

like definitely value friendship and

663

: 00:34:22

fun in the relationship, like enjoying

the time that you spend with each other.

664

: 00:34:26

And like, eventually that combined

with like falling in love and them

665

: 00:34:32

being the person you're supposed to

marry, like, you're probably going

666

: 00:34:34

to get to a point to where you are

best friends and hopefully that

667

: 00:34:37

continues throughout your relationship.

668

: 00:34:39

Yeah.

669

: 00:34:39

I mean, it's like what my mom

always said when I was growing up.

670

: 00:34:43

Friends will come and go,

but family stays forever.

671

: 00:34:46

Like, like, like, and your spouse

actually will stay forever.

672

: 00:34:50

Yes.

673

: 00:34:50

They, they will be your, your best friend.

674

: 00:34:53

Yeah, absolutely.

675

: 00:34:54

So that's, I think that wraps it up are

like biggest, biggest attributes you

676

: 00:34:59

feel like you should be looking for.

677

: 00:35:01

And that we find to be super important

qualities to look for in a future spouse.

678

: 00:35:05

These were our non negotiables.

679

: 00:35:06

And like I said, you might have a

few more and basically the biggest

680

: 00:35:09

piece of encouragement that I

want to leave you with is stay

681

: 00:35:12

strong to these non negotiables.

682

: 00:35:14

Like don't feel like you have to

lessen the bar just to make it work.

683

: 00:35:18

I think a lot of.

684

: 00:35:19

People tend to do this.

685

: 00:35:21

There's, um, I know seasons

of waiting can be hard, right?

686

: 00:35:24

And there might be like some hopelessness

sometimes if you're like, I keep meeting

687

: 00:35:27

people and they're never the one or I'm

dating them and it always falls through.

688

: 00:35:32

And I just like, don't

know what I'm doing wrong.

689

: 00:35:34

Don't lessen the bar and don't

Compromise on your non negotiables

690

: 00:35:40

because the Lord has someone in

store for you that matches those.

691

: 00:35:44

The Lord does not want anything

less than what is best for you.

692

: 00:35:46

And he knows that.

693

: 00:35:48

And if you know what your non

negotiables are, stay strong to those

694

: 00:35:52

and you'll find a man or a woman

that actually lives up to those.

695

: 00:35:56

Yeah.

696

: 00:35:56

And last piece of advice from a male

perspective is what we said at the

697

: 00:36:02

beginning is live the life that's going

to attract the man that you want to marry.

698

: 00:36:08

I'll leave it there.

699

: 00:36:10

And lastly, I would say like,

really pray with your list.

700

: 00:36:14

That's something that I did and that I

encourage the girls that I walked with

701

: 00:36:18

to, um, when college and after, as I

was walking with people who were in the

702

: 00:36:22

dating scene, like have a place, maybe

it's a journal, maybe The notes on your

703

: 00:36:26

phone where you actually like pray about

the qualities that you want in a future

704

: 00:36:30

husband or a future wife and write them

down and then take those to prayer.

705

: 00:36:34

Like pray with that specific list and

make those specific desires known to the

706

: 00:36:39

Lord because he wants to fulfill those.

707

: 00:36:41

And that's it.

708

: 00:36:41

I will say from experience, like that

is, that was my lived experience.

709

: 00:36:45

Like I wrote these things down on

a notes in my phone and I would

710

: 00:36:50

pray with those every single night.

711

: 00:36:52

And it just so happened that when I

met Trey, he checked all those boxes.

712

: 00:36:56

And if you want to know the

story of how exactly I find out.

713

: 00:37:00

That those boxes were checked, go listen

to, I believe, Oh, maybe it's like episode

714

: 00:37:04

two or three or something like that of

our love story, because it's actually,

715

: 00:37:08

it's pretty cute and it's pretty crazy.

716

: 00:37:10

It's the best.

717

: 00:37:11

And feel free to share this with a

friend, someone who's on the dating

718

: 00:37:15

scene, send this over to them and

hopefully they'll bless their life.

719

: 00:37:18

And we'll see you next week.