36: 5 Agreements We Hold To Keep A Strong Marriage

Speaker: 00:00:06

Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner,

and you're listening to the ever be

2

: 00:00:11

podcast where faith meets lifestyle.

3

: 00:00:14

I'm so excited you're here, whether you're

a new listener or a longtime follower,

4

: 00:00:18

I know there's something here for you.

5

: 00:00:20

Pull up a chair and listen in for

insightful real life conversations

6

: 00:00:24

and actionable steps on how to claim

the full life God created you for.

7

: 00:00:28

If you're a woman desiring to live

a Christ centered life in today's

8

: 00:00:32

modern world, then this is for you.

9

: 00:00:36

Welcome to Ever Be.

10

: 00:00:41

mari_7_11-19-2024_163822: Hey babe.

11

: 00:00:42

Hey, how's it going?

12

: 00:00:45

Good.

13

: 00:00:46

It's been a good week.

14

: 00:00:47

Yeah.

15

: 00:00:48

Yeah.

16

: 00:00:48

We've been home finally for

like the last few weeks, which

17

: 00:00:53

is a rarity for us these days.

18

: 00:00:57

Yeah.

19

: 00:00:57

We've been traveling

quite a lot this summer.

20

: 00:00:59

Yeah.

21

: 00:01:00

This summer and fall were

really crazy with travels.

22

: 00:01:02

And I think we counted up like, I think

you'd said 11 or something like that in

23

: 00:01:06

like the span of a few months, 10, 11,

something like that in like three months.

24

: 00:01:11

Yeah.

25

: 00:01:12

July.

26

: 00:01:13

So that was pretty crazy.

27

: 00:01:14

And starting the first week of

November, we were finally home

28

: 00:01:21

for a few weeks and no, no, no.

29

: 00:01:23

Sorry.

30

: 00:01:24

For a few months.

31

: 00:01:25

Um, yeah.

32

: 00:01:26

So we're home all through

the holidays up until seek.

33

: 00:01:29

And I just can't tell you how rested I

feel and how just like at peace and happy

34

: 00:01:36

I feel just to be home for a few months.

35

: 00:01:39

It's been a big thing.

36

: 00:01:40

Peace and order balance.

37

: 00:01:43

Yes.

38

: 00:01:44

That's what you're all about.

39

: 00:01:45

It's what I'm all about these days.

40

: 00:01:47

Peace, order and balance, because

I've just realized if you don't

41

: 00:01:50

have those things, then it's

chaos in your heart and your soul.

42

: 00:01:56

Three months.

43

: 00:01:57

Yes.

44

: 00:01:58

Our last three months

were literally chaos.

45

: 00:02:00

But, um, Peace is good,

but chaos is a little fun.

46

: 00:02:05

It's fun at times.

47

: 00:02:05

Sometimes.

48

: 00:02:06

No, it is fun sometimes, but I think

for us, like we've just been in that

49

: 00:02:11

season of chaos for like a few years.

50

: 00:02:13

And I think I've, I like actually

truly reached kind of a burnout

51

: 00:02:16

point where I was like, I am done.

52

: 00:02:20

I'm done with the chaos.

53

: 00:02:21

I'm done with like running

around, traveling everywhere,

54

: 00:02:25

even though it sounds super

fun and it was for a long time.

55

: 00:02:27

But I think I just like, yeah,

really needed some time just to be

56

: 00:02:31

home and just attend to our home.

57

: 00:02:32

And I think that brings me back to

order because, which I know is not even

58

: 00:02:35

what we're talking about today, but.

59

: 00:02:37

Just a shout out to this

because it's been on my mind.

60

: 00:02:40

Just a shout out to peace in

order because it's been on my

61

: 00:02:43

mind, but God actually made a

hierarchy of like priorities for us.

62

: 00:02:50

Like what he created us for was

firstly to know and love and serve him.

63

: 00:02:55

And then to like be in our vocation

and tend to our vocation and then to

64

: 00:03:01

To tend for our work and so when those

things are out of order, I have literally

65

: 00:03:08

physically felt the stress and the chaos

that comes with that as much as we feel

66

: 00:03:13

like we need to do something right now

and it's out of order, whether it's like

67

: 00:03:17

we're putting off time with the Lord or

we're tending to our work before we're

68

: 00:03:19

tending to our vocation for, in our

case, like our spouse, it feels like.

69

: 00:03:24

We just have to do it to be more

productive, but in the end it

70

: 00:03:29

actually doesn't leave you feeling

fulfilled and satisfied and full.

71

: 00:03:33

Um, so yeah, so that's

what I've been learning.

72

: 00:03:35

I'm, I'm just like so happy because I

actually get to be home and practice

73

: 00:03:40

just like a well ordered life that

I've been wanting to for awhile.

74

: 00:03:43

And, um, I talked to a little bit

about it on Instagram this week, but.

75

: 00:03:47

I think I'm going to have to do a

podcast episode about it because I

76

: 00:03:48

just feel like I have more to say.

77

: 00:03:49

And I got so many responses on,

yeah, on my stories about it.

78

: 00:03:56

And so I know it's, yeah, I talked

about it twice this week and both

79

: 00:04:01

times I got a ton of responses.

80

: 00:04:02

And so I feel like it's just

a conversation that like

81

: 00:04:04

young wives really relate to.

82

: 00:04:06

And, you know, Want to dive into more.

83

: 00:04:08

I think everybody can relate to wanting

more peace and balance in their life.

84

: 00:04:11

Yes, and wanting practical ways to

actually execute and help you get there.

85

: 00:04:17

Yes, you can talk it and you can plan

it, but that's what we talk about all the

86

: 00:04:23

time like a discipline to actually do.

87

: 00:04:25

Yes.

88

: 00:04:26

Is the hardest part.

89

: 00:04:27

Yeah, like actually doing

the work is the hardest part.

90

: 00:04:30

And I guess that leads

us into our combo today.

91

: 00:04:33

It's about marriage, uh, marriage.

92

: 00:04:37

Surprise, surprise.

93

: 00:04:37

We're back talking about

God centered marriage.

94

: 00:04:40

It's kind of what we do around here.

95

: 00:04:41

Um, and it's no, Secret that marriage

takes work, you hear that a lot.

96

: 00:04:49

And if you're married, you experience it.

97

: 00:04:53

However, if you commit to, um, if you

just like make commitments in your

98

: 00:05:00

marriage that are rooted in faith,

genuine love for each other, like

99

: 00:05:06

the true sense of the word love.

100

: 00:05:09

And respect, then you're going to create

a strong marriage that's hard to shake.

101

: 00:05:16

Yeah.

102

: 00:05:17

So what are we talking about today?

103

: 00:05:18

It's a few, maybe five non

negotiable commitments, agreements.

104

: 00:05:26

How do you title it?

105

: 00:05:29

The title I chose was five

agreements we hold to.

106

: 00:05:33

To keep a strong marriage.

107

: 00:05:35

So these are kind of like five rules

that we live by in our marriage.

108

: 00:05:39

And I didn't want to call them rules

because they're agreements that we make

109

: 00:05:43

to each other to keep a strong marriage

and to keep a healthy thriving marriage.

110

: 00:05:49

And it's not saying that.

111

: 00:05:51

We're perfect at all of these,

but it's just something that

112

: 00:05:54

like, we've agreed to that.

113

: 00:05:55

These are very important things

that build our, like that put our

114

: 00:06:01

marriage on a strong foundation.

115

: 00:06:03

So what's number one?

116

: 00:06:05

Number one is we pray together daily.

117

: 00:06:10

So we've talked about this

on another podcast episode on

118

: 00:06:14

praying together as couples.

119

: 00:06:16

Yeah.

120

: 00:06:16

And how it looks at practically, uh,

do you want to go to the practicals

121

: 00:06:21

first or do you want to do?

122

: 00:06:23

Like why it's an important thing.

123

: 00:06:25

You can do the why and

then we can do practicals.

124

: 00:06:27

Okay.

125

: 00:06:28

Well, why is the most important

relationships you have in your life

126

: 00:06:32

are your relationship with God and

your relationship with your spouse

127

: 00:06:35

and Praying together is a way to do

both Simultaneously and it's like

128

: 00:06:40

burying your heart and your soul to God

with your spouse or your significant

129

: 00:06:46

other and It's extremely powerful.

130

: 00:06:50

It's, it's intimate.

131

: 00:06:52

And so it builds intimacy

in your relationship.

132

: 00:06:55

Uh, but it's also very powerful.

133

: 00:06:57

I mean, the devil hates

marriages and holy marriages.

134

: 00:07:00

And so like praying together, builds a

holy marriage, builds a holy marriage.

135

: 00:07:04

It, uh, roots your marriage in faith.

136

: 00:07:08

It roots yourself in faith.

137

: 00:07:10

Uh, and it, Builds up

defenses against evil one.

138

: 00:07:14

And then it just like allows

you to intercede for each other

139

: 00:07:18

and to really be like a good

strong support for one another.

140

: 00:07:22

Yeah.

141

: 00:07:22

Yeah.

142

: 00:07:23

I mean, I would say like prayer

is what helps keep faith as

143

: 00:07:26

a foundation to our marriage.

144

: 00:07:29

And that's first and foremost,

most important to us.

145

: 00:07:31

And the way I look at it, It takes

three to have a God centered marriage

146

: 00:07:37

yourself, your spouse and the Lord.

147

: 00:07:39

And if you're not inviting the

Lord into your marriage, then

148

: 00:07:42

it's going to be really hard to

have a good God centered marriage.

149

: 00:07:45

Because again, you're not

including the most important

150

: 00:07:48

factor into this relationship of

you, the Lord, and your spouse.

151

: 00:07:54

And so praying every day allows

us to really primarily, uh, root

152

: 00:07:59

our relationship as spouses, is.

153

: 00:08:01

In our relationship with the Lord

together, and like you said, at

154

: 00:08:06

the beginning, marriage is hard.

155

: 00:08:07

It takes a lot of work.

156

: 00:08:08

Sanctification is hard.

157

: 00:08:09

It takes a lot of work.

158

: 00:08:11

Those things we can do on our own.

159

: 00:08:12

Yeah, we need grace and prayer

is a true, like, practical way

160

: 00:08:18

to receive sacramental grace.

161

: 00:08:21

So practically, how does

that look for us, Mari?

162

: 00:08:25

Praying together.

163

: 00:08:26

Just real quick.

164

: 00:08:27

. Oh.

165

: 00:08:28

Um, we pray together

every night before bed.

166

: 00:08:30

And that's kind of more of

like a freestyle prayer.

167

: 00:08:33

So, listening to your intentions

or praying for anything

168

: 00:08:36

that either of us needs.

169

: 00:08:38

Praying for other people.

170

: 00:08:40

Um, praying on Thanksgiving.

171

: 00:08:42

Um, praying the rosary.

172

: 00:08:43

We also pray the rosary together.

173

: 00:08:45

We try and do that as often as

possible together and that's kind

174

: 00:08:51

of like the primary ways we do it.

175

: 00:08:53

Most routine ways.

176

: 00:08:54

Uh, yeah.

177

: 00:08:54

But then there's the one offs where

we'll pray a scripture, we'll pray

178

: 00:08:58

a scripture, do like say together or

if one of us is struggling or just

179

: 00:09:02

like want some intercession or like

if one of us is feeling very stressed

180

: 00:09:06

out, uh, we'll ask that person like

pray with us or if we're sick, we'll

181

: 00:09:10

ask the other person to pray with us.

182

: 00:09:11

Yeah.

183

: 00:09:13

Classic intercessory prayer.

184

: 00:09:15

The other thing too that I think is

important, and I know we've talked about

185

: 00:09:18

it a lot in our relationship, is that

the habits we build now are habits we're

186

: 00:09:22

going to have for our whole marriage

and the habits we're going to have

187

: 00:09:27

like in our family as we continue to

grow our family and have kids one day.

188

: 00:09:31

And we want our kids to understand.

189

: 00:09:34

Learn to pray we want our kids to see

their parents praying And so building

190

: 00:09:38

this habit now as a couple just as

spouses is going to allow us to just

191

: 00:09:44

make it like a Regular routinely part

of our family life and of our home life

192

: 00:09:50

And so then when we introduce kids into

the picture, we're able to pass this on.

193

: 00:09:56

Um to our children Yeah,

that's a great point.

194

: 00:10:01

second agreement?

195

: 00:10:02

Yes.

196

: 00:10:03

Number two is we never

speak ill of each other.

197

: 00:10:07

So I think that a lot of the

times in the secular world, you

198

: 00:10:11

see this more, I feel like than

in Christian circles, but I mean.

199

: 00:10:14

You can't exclude christian

circles from this.

200

: 00:10:16

Um, we're all human None of us are

perfect and sometimes we you know are

201

: 00:10:21

tempted to talk badly about our spouse

um, and it can be easy to do that because

202

: 00:10:25

like we said marriage isn't hard and

sometimes you might even use the excuse

203

: 00:10:28

as Like you're just venting, you know

to your friends about how hard marriage

204

: 00:10:33

is However, we've made the agreement the

commitment to each other to just never

205

: 00:10:38

talk badly about each other um to anybody

really because that does not build up

206

: 00:10:44

a marriage that breaks down a marriage.

207

: 00:10:46

No.

208

: 00:10:47

And I think that's something that

you've talked a little bit about

209

: 00:10:49

this kind of culture on social

media of poking fun at your spouse.

210

: 00:10:55

Mm-Hmm.

211

: 00:10:55

. And like, that's not, that's

not building up your spouse.

212

: 00:11:00

Mm-Hmm.

213

: 00:11:00

. Um, and then especially it is easy to,

like when I'm with the guys or when Mari's

214

: 00:11:06

with the girls, like, I mean, we hear.

215

: 00:11:09

Like, I feel like it's very common to hear

people like complain about their boss or

216

: 00:11:14

complain about like something like they're

gossiping or coming up with some drama.

217

: 00:11:19

And it's very easy to let that

continue into like complaining and

218

: 00:11:22

gossiping about the problems in your

marriage or the things your spouse are

219

: 00:11:27

doing that are really annoying you.

220

: 00:11:29

And so, yeah, like there is.

221

: 00:11:31

You know, a time and place where

good holy community, it's good

222

: 00:11:34

to have like conversations.

223

: 00:11:36

If you need to get something off

your chest and to like process

224

: 00:11:39

something with a really good friend.

225

: 00:11:40

But, uh, as a general practice, like

we're not going to be just speaking ill

226

: 00:11:45

of the other while, like when I'm with the

boys, I'm not going to be talking about.

227

: 00:11:49

How, you know, like what

the things that Mari's doing

228

: 00:11:53

that's really bugging me today.

229

: 00:11:55

Yeah.

230

: 00:11:56

Yeah.

231

: 00:11:56

And I think that this helps really build

and like foster like trust with each other

232

: 00:12:02

and just a deep admiration for each other.

233

: 00:12:04

Like just to always live out of a

place of admiration and that when we.

234

: 00:12:09

Talk about our spouse with other people.

235

: 00:12:11

Only goodness comes out and

only really praise comes out.

236

: 00:12:15

And that's not to like hide our

imperfections and like come off as if

237

: 00:12:19

we have no problems, but it's truly

just out of respect for your spouse

238

: 00:12:23

and out of respect for your marriage.

239

: 00:12:27

And with that, obviously we don't have

kids yet, but we want to make sure that

240

: 00:12:32

we build that habit so that we're not

venting to our children about each other,

241

: 00:12:37

each other, like that's really unhealthy.

242

: 00:12:38

So yeah.

243

: 00:12:39

Uh, definitely don't

want to be doing that.

244

: 00:12:41

Yeah.

245

: 00:12:42

Okay.

246

: 00:12:43

What's number three?

247

: 00:12:44

We start and end our days together.

248

: 00:12:46

This is something that

Mari especially loves.

249

: 00:12:50

I do.

250

: 00:12:51

You're like Mari's favorite parts

of her day are going to sleep

251

: 00:12:57

next to me, waking up next to me.

252

: 00:12:59

Those are her two

favorite parts of her day.

253

: 00:13:01

It is.

254

: 00:13:02

And I waited a long time to go

to bed with you every day and

255

: 00:13:07

wake up next to you every day.

256

: 00:13:08

And so three and a half years in

a marriage, it is still one of my

257

: 00:13:12

favorite parts of my day, if not

my very favorite part of the day.

258

: 00:13:15

And this is something that I

wouldn't say is necessarily like

259

: 00:13:19

a make or break for all couples.

260

: 00:13:21

Like some people's lifestyles

just don't allow for this.

261

: 00:13:24

I am really grateful that ours does

and that we have just made that agree.

262

: 00:13:30

And that we've just made that

commitment to each other to

263

: 00:13:32

start and end our days together.

264

: 00:13:34

Um, it could be easy to just

be like, Hey, I'm tired.

265

: 00:13:37

I'm going to head up to bed, you know,

or just like, Oh, I'm going to stay up

266

: 00:13:40

working and I'm going to go out with

the guys super late and, you know, you

267

: 00:13:43

go ahead to bed and, um, and whatever.

268

: 00:13:46

And yeah, there are days when maybe, like,

you get up a little bit earlier to go work

269

: 00:13:49

out in the gym or something like that.

270

: 00:13:50

But most of the time, I feel

like when we're starting and

271

: 00:13:54

ending our days together.

272

: 00:13:56

It's solidifying just like our daily

life as a married couple and just that

273

: 00:14:03

like we're ending the day in gratitude in

prayer with each other, like acknowledging

274

: 00:14:09

our relationship, like having a second

to like check in and just have like

275

: 00:14:13

a daily, like, how was your day?

276

: 00:14:15

How are you doing?

277

: 00:14:16

You know, love you prayer.

278

: 00:14:19

Good night.

279

: 00:14:19

And then like, start the day together,

like tackle the day together.

280

: 00:14:23

You know, I love when you like lean over

and like, give me a kiss, good morning.

281

: 00:14:26

And like, we get out of bed and

like, we're able to get out of

282

: 00:14:28

bed together and start our day.

283

: 00:14:30

Whereas like, if we went to bed at

different times or woke up at different

284

: 00:14:35

times, I feel like for me personally,

there would just be kind of like a

285

: 00:14:38

sense of like loneliness or just like.

286

: 00:14:41

It's just, it just doesn't feel right.

287

: 00:14:43

You know, like if I'm married,

like I don't want to go to bed at

288

: 00:14:45

a different time than my husband.

289

: 00:14:46

Like I want to end my day with my husband.

290

: 00:14:48

I think the two things that I was thinking

about while you're sharing was one,

291

: 00:14:54

to build the unity as a spouse or as a

couple, especially going to bed together

292

: 00:15:01

and then two, It provides a space for,

uh, one just conversation and connecting.

293

: 00:15:07

Yeah.

294

: 00:15:08

Apple.

295

: 00:15:08

Um, if one of us goes up to bed

before the other, then you're

296

: 00:15:12

missing out on, like, you already

provide the other and then just like

297

: 00:15:15

decompressing your day, connecting and

conversation, just you to, uh, embed.

298

: 00:15:21

And then, uh, three.

299

: 00:15:23

Well, I guess there's two more.

300

: 00:15:25

Three is it provides a space for prayer.

301

: 00:15:28

Like if you're going up to bed at

different times, then it's going to

302

: 00:15:30

be, it would be very difficult to pray

together at night or in the morning.

303

: 00:15:34

And that is, it's just like the

easiest thing to do is just pray

304

: 00:15:39

together when you go to bed.

305

: 00:15:40

And so, but the first step is you

have to go to bed at the same time.

306

: 00:15:44

And then lastly, it does keep the

window open for more opportunities.

307

: 00:15:49

Intimate.

308

: 00:15:51

Yes.

309

: 00:15:52

For intimacy.

310

: 00:15:54

For intimacy.

311

: 00:15:54

Yeah, exactly.

312

: 00:15:55

Which is so important in a marriage.

313

: 00:15:57

And like, not very many times

are you able to just do it in the

314

: 00:16:01

middle of the day with each other.

315

: 00:16:02

And so like night and the evening

when you're coming together and you're

316

: 00:16:05

connecting emotionally, spiritually,

and then also, uh, physically.

317

: 00:16:09

Yeah.

318

: 00:16:10

I love that.

319

: 00:16:11

That's why we love

ending our day together.

320

: 00:16:13

Okay.

321

: 00:16:13

Commitment number four.

322

: 00:16:14

We believe that honesty

is the best policy.

323

: 00:16:18

Yeah.

324

: 00:16:19

I'm a fan of this in all my relationships.

325

: 00:16:22

This is a must.

326

: 00:16:22

It has to be for a marriage.

327

: 00:16:24

Um, yes.

328

: 00:16:26

So basically this just

means exactly what it is.

329

: 00:16:29

We choose to be honest with

each other at all times.

330

: 00:16:31

We choose to say.

331

: 00:16:32

What we're feeling not play mind games

with each other and truly not shove things

332

: 00:16:37

under the rug I think there's a time

and place to choose when to bring things

333

: 00:16:42

up But if something actually is hurting

us or bothering us or you know We don't

334

: 00:16:50

agree with or whatever We'll kindly bring

it up to each other and it's usually not

335

: 00:16:54

some like, we usually won't just like let

things pile up and pile up until we blow

336

: 00:16:59

up and then like have to unload because

we believe that continually just keeping a

337

: 00:17:04

conversation or just keeping like a spirit

of transparency in our conversations

338

: 00:17:09

and in our relationship is just going

to lead to To healthier marriage.

339

: 00:17:14

Because we're constantly

communicating with each other

340

: 00:17:17

exactly what we're feeling.

341

: 00:17:18

Yeah.

342

: 00:17:19

And my favorite part about this

agreement is the no mind games.

343

: 00:17:25

Like if you want something,

say that that's what you want.

344

: 00:17:29

If you don't want something, like we

tell you to like, that's not what we

345

: 00:17:32

want, we want something different.

346

: 00:17:34

And it's not like I'm asking Mari if

she wants me to buy this thing for her

347

: 00:17:40

and she's saying no, but she actually

doesn't want me to get it for her, but

348

: 00:17:43

she's telling me no, uh, or if like

I'm cooking food and she is not going

349

: 00:17:48

to tell me that she doesn't want that.

350

: 00:17:50

And so then she's just unhappy

and hangry because she didn't get

351

: 00:17:52

to eat what she wanted to eat.

352

: 00:17:53

Uh, then it's just.

353

: 00:17:55

Or, or more like, or more like serious

examples, like, you know, if you do

354

: 00:18:00

something often that bugs me, I'm not

going to be like, Oh no, it's fine, babe.

355

: 00:18:03

I'm fine.

356

: 00:18:03

You know, that didn't bother me.

357

: 00:18:05

It's okay.

358

: 00:18:05

Like just to be like a people pleaser,

kind of just to kind of just not want

359

: 00:18:09

to or not people pleaser, but like to

avoid confrontation, I think this is

360

: 00:18:13

where the biggest pitfall is with people.

361

: 00:18:15

This commitment can be

really hard because.

362

: 00:18:19

A lot of people don't like confrontation

and I think the reality is that

363

: 00:18:22

confrontation doesn't have to be

an aggressive argument It can just

364

: 00:18:26

be an honest Candid conversation.

365

: 00:18:30

And this is like, honesty is avoided

a lot because people think it's

366

: 00:18:33

going to lead to a big argument.

367

: 00:18:35

Yeah.

368

: 00:18:35

And that's, I mean, I'll tell you

right now, I think any man can say

369

: 00:18:39

this has been in a relationship.

370

: 00:18:40

Like if a girl is saying I'm fine, like

371

: 00:18:45

then they're fine.

372

: 00:18:47

Like that is the expectation.

373

: 00:18:48

Like if you're communicating with

your words, that you're fine and

374

: 00:18:51

you're actually not, then you're

setting your man up for failure and

375

: 00:18:53

you can't expect anything different.

376

: 00:18:55

Yes.

377

: 00:18:56

And so like, be honest with.

378

: 00:18:58

Your husband or your significant

other, like, if you're not

379

: 00:19:01

fine, tell 'em and tell 'em why.

380

: 00:19:03

Uh, we're not mind readers.

381

: 00:19:05

We can't get in there and

figure out what's wrong.

382

: 00:19:08

I think Yeah.

383

: 00:19:09

Being honest with the other about

like what you're actually feeling.

384

: 00:19:12

Exactly what you said.

385

: 00:19:13

Yeah, and I think the way you worded

that was really beautiful because I don't

386

: 00:19:16

feel like i've heard that often like

choose honesty Because why would you

387

: 00:19:21

want to set your spouse up for failure?

388

: 00:19:23

Why would you want to lead them to

believe something that's not true?

389

: 00:19:26

That's just going to cause

confusion and conflict.

390

: 00:19:29

And those just aren't of the Lord.

391

: 00:19:31

Totally.

392

: 00:19:33

Honestly, it's the best policy.

393

: 00:19:35

And last one, number five.

394

: 00:19:37

Is we choose to love each other

and each other is love languages.

395

: 00:19:42

This is a big one.

396

: 00:19:43

This is one that we like learned

right off the bat, right as soon as

397

: 00:19:46

we got married, it was like one of

the first like hard lessons we learned

398

: 00:19:50

that led to this agreement to like

really make an effort to love each

399

: 00:19:54

other and each other's love languages.

400

: 00:19:56

So if you haven't done the love

languages, look up five long love

401

: 00:19:59

languages and it's basically like

the different ways that people.

402

: 00:20:04

Feel loved the most and

most naturally give love.

403

: 00:20:08

Usually those are correlated, I would say.

404

: 00:20:11

And so it's acts of service,

physical touch, quality, time,

405

: 00:20:15

words of affirmation and gifts.

406

: 00:20:18

And my top love language is physical

touch, which means that I feel most loved

407

: 00:20:24

when I'm hugged or kissed or like somebody

like, you know, it rubs my shoulder or.

408

: 00:20:30

Just like there's any other point of,

like, physical contact that, like,

409

: 00:20:33

makes me feel, like, seen and loved.

410

: 00:20:35

Yeah.

411

: 00:20:36

And so, similarly, it's also

the way you give love the most.

412

: 00:20:40

Yes.

413

: 00:20:40

Because, I mean, it's natural.

414

: 00:20:42

That's the way that you receive love.

415

: 00:20:45

And you have an urge to show love

and affection, like you go, you do

416

: 00:20:49

that in the physical way because

that's the way that you receive it.

417

: 00:20:53

And then my love language, my

top one is acts of service.

418

: 00:20:56

And so, uh, I receive love very well when

people are performing acts of service

419

: 00:21:02

for me so that I don't have to do them.

420

: 00:21:04

That's also the way that I give love.

421

: 00:21:06

And so I'll be doing the dishes or.

422

: 00:21:08

cleaning up something or taking the

trash out or doing chores, like, or

423

: 00:21:13

driving or going on my way to pick

something up, like finding ways

424

: 00:21:17

to serve as a way of showing love.

425

: 00:21:21

And so a lot of times when I

feel like the inclination, like,

426

: 00:21:25

Oh my gosh, like I love you.

427

: 00:21:27

I want to love you.

428

: 00:21:28

You know, get up and clean up the kitchen

and this or you'll like get up and like,

429

: 00:21:37

Bring me my water or like, you know,

if like I'm on the couch or something,

430

: 00:21:40

I feel like that's like a, like nobody

likes getting off the couch, you know?

431

: 00:21:43

I'm like, that's a little way

to do like an active service.

432

: 00:21:46

I feel like, you know, if I'm

on the couch, I'm like, babe,

433

: 00:21:47

can you please remove my water?

434

: 00:21:49

Getting off the couch and doing that.

435

: 00:21:50

Exactly.

436

: 00:21:51

And so this really became a challenge

in our marriage early on is.

437

: 00:21:58

I kept thinking, especially like

in the mornings, I would wake up

438

: 00:22:01

early and make breakfast for us both

and, uh, or at nights after dinner,

439

: 00:22:06

I'd get up and start cleaning up

the kitchen and doing the dishes.

440

: 00:22:09

And, but, and so I was like giving love,

but it wasn't being received by Mari.

441

: 00:22:16

She was in that way.

442

: 00:22:17

In that way.

443

: 00:22:17

She was like, Oh, like he

just has to do the dishes.

444

: 00:22:19

Like we have to do the dishes.

445

: 00:22:20

So we're going to do the dishes.

446

: 00:22:22

Uh, but she would have.

447

: 00:22:24

Rather, I stayed in bed a little bit

longer and cuddled her in the morning

448

: 00:22:28

before I got up and made breakfast.

449

: 00:22:29

Or after we cooked dinner, I laid

on the couch with her and cuddled

450

: 00:22:32

her and watched TV show instead

of doing the dishes right away.

451

: 00:22:36

And so, uh, it turned out that

like, I was trying to give love

452

: 00:22:42

to Mari, but was like missing the

area that she was receiving love.

453

: 00:22:47

And so, she wasn't actually

feeling that loved by me.

454

: 00:22:51

Even though I kept thinking, wow, I'm

doing all these things that love you,

455

: 00:22:55

but you weren't actually like receiving

it as well as you would have if I

456

: 00:22:59

just chose physical touch instead.

457

: 00:23:02

Yeah.

458

: 00:23:02

And I mean, it went the other way as well.

459

: 00:23:04

Like I felt an inclination

to like love my husband.

460

: 00:23:08

So I would go and like give him a big

hug or give him a kiss or like ask to

461

: 00:23:12

cuddle or just, you know, like, Just

like try and be physically close to

462

: 00:23:15

him and like show my love in that way.

463

: 00:23:17

And many times I learned he would

have felt more loved if I took the

464

: 00:23:21

time to clean the kitchen or to

do something for him that would

465

: 00:23:25

have taken it off his workload.

466

: 00:23:28

And that would have gone a longer way

than like stopping him to like give

467

: 00:23:32

him a hug or something like that.

468

: 00:23:34

Yeah.

469

: 00:23:34

And so it ends with both parties feeling

like trying really hard to love the other.

470

: 00:23:40

It's all in good intention.

471

: 00:23:42

But then We're almost just

like missing each other.

472

: 00:23:45

Yeah.

473

: 00:23:46

And it's frustrating and it's frustrating

because like, you're continually feeling

474

: 00:23:49

like, I'm trying to love my spouse.

475

: 00:23:50

I'm trying to love my spouse.

476

: 00:23:51

And it's like so defeating to hear,

like, I wish you would have done this.

477

: 00:23:55

You know, like, I don't feel as loved

because I'm not receiving love in the way

478

: 00:24:01

that I most naturally receive love best.

479

: 00:24:05

So the challenge here is choosing

their love language over yours.

480

: 00:24:10

And the times when we have really pressed

into that, I feel like we see fruits

481

: 00:24:16

in our marriage and we see a deeper

connection and just like a closeness and

482

: 00:24:21

a deeper appreciation in our marriage

because we're acknowledging like.

483

: 00:24:26

We're, we're doing the hard thing not

to love how we would want to be loved.

484

: 00:24:29

And maybe, maybe it's like a bigger

effort, you know, like for me

485

: 00:24:32

personally, like it feels better to

give you a hug than to do the dishes.

486

: 00:24:36

And so for me, it's like a stretch to

be like, okay, I want to love Trey.

487

: 00:24:40

I'm not going to ask him to like cuddle on

the couch and like spend time like that.

488

: 00:24:44

I'm actually just going to like go and

like make the bed or something like that.

489

: 00:24:49

Yeah, exactly.

490

: 00:24:50

Choosing the other over yourself and

choosing their love language over yours.

491

: 00:24:54

And essentially that's love is choosing

the good of the other over yourself.

492

: 00:24:57

Exactly.

493

: 00:24:58

So something that we are learning

and getting better at and.

494

: 00:25:03

I would encourage you to

take the love language test.

495

: 00:25:06

It's like a quiz online and yeah,

figure out what yours and your spouse's

496

: 00:25:10

languages are and we can put it in the

show notes and learn to love the other.

497

: 00:25:14

And there's, yeah, there's a book too.

498

: 00:25:17

It's super short.

499

: 00:25:18

I read it in like a day on a retreat.

500

: 00:25:20

It's so short.

501

: 00:25:21

So.

502

: 00:25:22

You could read that.

503

: 00:25:22

And then I think actually, um, I saw

this, but I didn't really actually do it.

504

: 00:25:27

They have an app that you can

download and you can input what

505

: 00:25:31

your spouse's love languages or what

your friends love languages are.

506

: 00:25:35

And it'll like ping you like a

couple of times a week, like time

507

: 00:25:39

to walk the dog, you know, love

your spouse, clean the kitchen.

508

: 00:25:43

Like, did you make the bed today?

509

: 00:25:45

Or like, The other way around, like,

have you hugged your wife today?

510

: 00:25:49

Like it, it pings you like notifications

to like remind you in case that like, it's

511

: 00:25:54

not something you naturally think about.

512

: 00:25:56

One, of course I have an app.

513

: 00:25:58

Of course they have.

514

: 00:25:59

Why wouldn't they?

515

: 00:26:00

And that's even better that they found

a way to make the app actually useful.

516

: 00:26:03

I know.

517

: 00:26:03

I feel like it would be really useful.

518

: 00:26:06

Well, too bad.

519

: 00:26:07

I'm too good at loving you.

520

: 00:26:08

I don't know.

521

: 00:26:10

Just kidding.

522

: 00:26:10

Yeah.

523

: 00:26:10

Yeah.

524

: 00:26:10

Yeah.

525

: 00:26:12

All right, so those were the five

agreements that we have seen a

526

: 00:26:17

lot of fruit from in our marriage.

527

: 00:26:20

We hope that this blesses your marriage.

528

: 00:26:22

Any closing thoughts, Mari?

529

: 00:26:24

Yeah, I think just a

word of encouragement to.

530

: 00:26:27

Newlywed couples out there.

531

: 00:26:29

I know that we have a lot of

like newlywed couples tuning in.

532

: 00:26:32

And I mean, what is newlywed?

533

: 00:26:34

I feel like young marriages is like

the first, like five years, you're

534

: 00:26:37

still considered like a newlywed.

535

: 00:26:38

And basically I just want to say like.

536

: 00:26:42

Those first few years, like, are meant

to learn how to be a good spouse.

537

: 00:26:48

I remember, like, within our

first year of marriage, I went to

538

: 00:26:51

spiritual direction and I, like,

talked to my spiritual director.

539

: 00:26:54

I was like, what's going on?

540

: 00:26:55

Like, you know, and our first year of

marriage wasn't even that hard, I think.

541

: 00:26:59

But there were just some things that I

was like, why are we fighting about this?

542

: 00:27:02

Or like, why does he do this?

543

: 00:27:03

Or like, why don't I do this well?

544

: 00:27:05

And I thought, yeah, I'm

like, and I was worried.

545

: 00:27:08

I'm like, it's only our

first year of marriage.

546

: 00:27:10

Like this is when it should be so easy.

547

: 00:27:12

Like we should be so good at this.

548

: 00:27:13

And my spiritual director was actually

like, no, actually, if you were,

549

: 00:27:18

Struggling with these things or like

not good at loving your spouse in

550

: 00:27:21

these ways 10 years in, then I would be

concerned, but he's like, of course, you

551

: 00:27:26

guys aren't good at being married yet.

552

: 00:27:27

Or, of course, there's just like a lot

of things that you're learning about

553

: 00:27:30

how to love each other better and how

to be a good wife or about how to be a

554

: 00:27:34

good husband because you've never been

one and you've only been a wife for.

555

: 00:27:38

Nine months, one year,

two years or whatever.

556

: 00:27:40

And there's a lifetime ahead of you.

557

: 00:27:42

And so I know that like, there's

just like a fairy tale, you know,

558

: 00:27:47

standard of like that newlywed bliss.

559

: 00:27:49

And there is totally a

newlywed bliss that comes.

560

: 00:27:52

And it is just like a beautiful

feeling to like, start off your years

561

: 00:27:56

together when you first get married.

562

: 00:27:58

But also let's just normalize the fact

that marriage takes work and that those

563

: 00:28:02

first few years, you're learning how to be

a good wife and how to be a good husband.

564

: 00:28:07

And so, Work hard on your marriage Know

that like you're not perfect We're not

565

: 00:28:12

perfect and that's just what these first

few years of marriage are and honestly

566

: 00:28:16

all the years of marriage There's probably

going to be so many seasons of stretching

567

: 00:28:19

and growth um, but I hope that these

commitments that we hold to each other

568

: 00:28:23

that we shared with you today could be a

source of encouragement and inspiration

569

: 00:28:26

of Ways that you can pour into your

marriage and center it around christ.