33: My Top Advice for Engagement and Wedding Planning: Marriage prep, Family Dynamics, NFP, and more

Speaker: 00:00:06

Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner,

and you're listening to the ever be

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podcast where faith meets lifestyle.

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I'm so excited you're here, whether you're

a new listener or a longtime follower,

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I know there's something here for you.

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: 00:00:20

Pull up a chair and listen in for

insightful real life conversations

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and actionable steps on how to claim

the full life God created you for.

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If you're a woman desiring to live

a Christ centered life in today's

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modern world, then this is for you.

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Welcome to Ever Be.

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mari-wagner_2_10-29-2024_083441: Hey

friends, welcome back to ever be.

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I am coming to you from Dallas today.

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I'm here for the week with my

new West coast Catholic team.

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We have a few new employees that we're

training and for training week, I have

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to present a lot into a lot of talking.

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And so I am going Sort of feel

like my voice is a little bit raspy

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and, um, I might lose it today.

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I hope I don't cause it's only day two

and I have to be talking and presenting

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all the way through Friday and it's

literally only Tuesday right now.

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So if you want to say a little

prayer for me, that'd be great.

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Um, but also hopefully my mic will

pick up my voice cause I can't talk too

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loudly and I hope it's not too raspy.

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So.

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Just a little fair warning

there, but we are chatting about

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engagement to season today.

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If you are preparing for marriage,

engage, you know, maybe you're

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going to be engaged soon.

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This episode is going to be for you.

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We're going to be unpacking what it really

looks like to be in an engagement season

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as a Catholic and Christian woman, the

ups and downs, everything in between.

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I'm going to be sharing some of my

personal experience in my season of

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engagement, and then just some tips

and thoughts that I have about how

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you can best prepare and really just

live this season well with the Lord.

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Because the truth is that the season

can be filled with so much joy and

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excitement and celebration, but also

there's going to be some hardship.

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There's going to be some challenges.

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And the unexpected might happen,

and I'm just going to say that

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right out from the beginning.

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There's no one way that

engagement is going to go.

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It's going to look very

different for different people.

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For some people, it might be exactly

what you expected, but to be honest,

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I don't have a single friend who has

experienced that yet, so it also might

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not be what you expect in some ways.

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Um, but like I said, there's going to

be both joys and challenges, and we're

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going to dive into all of that today.

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And I hope that you can walk away

after this episode, feeling like you

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can fully embrace this season and

prepare for a Christ centered marriage.

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And so let's dive in.

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Engagement is a sacred time.

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Truly.

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It's more than just planning a wedding,

even though that's what I feel like

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the culture really focuses on today.

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And what it's really easy to fall into is

the Pinterest board, the guest list, um,

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all the arrangements for the reception.

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And don't get me wrong.

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It's a really big part of engagement.

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And if you're having a big

wedding, it does require a

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lot of time and preparation.

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And so do give it the due time that

is needed, but there's so much more

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that we need to talk about and pay

attention to during this season.

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Because bottom line is that it's about

preparing for your vocation of marriage,

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a lifelong commitment rooted in faith

and virtue and love and sacrifice.

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So in this season, God is not just

calling us to grow in relationship with

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our fiance, but also grow closer to

him because he's the source of love.

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He's the source of virtue and

the source of faith that we're

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going to draw from in marriage.

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And I just want to encourage you to

embrace the season of engagement.

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And I say embrace, because

like I said earlier, there's

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a lot that's going to happen.

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And I want you to let go of the urge

of rushing through the messy parts

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and just focusing on the pretty parts.

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The reality is what I learned, at

least in my engagement season and

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what it's been like walking with a

few close friends in their engagement

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seasons as well, is that there is no

one way that engagement should be, and

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this was a misconception I had because

I am your classic like girly girl.

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I dreamed about my wedding growing up.

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I had the Pinterest board, you know,

in middle school and high school,

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and I watched all the rom-coms.

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Growing up.

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And I still basically

only watch rom com movies.

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So I had this image in my head of what

engagement looks like because in the

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movies, if you're a fellow rom com girly,

although we are supposed to know that

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the movies aren't real, but I don't know.

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I guess I ended up here.

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Anyways, if you're a rom com girly,

you know that in the movies, it's

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so exciting when the girl gets

engaged, she's been waiting, you

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know, for him to pop the question.

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He finally does.

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They're static.

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The families are celebrating

unless it's father, the bride.

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And in that case, that's

a hilarious movie.

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And.

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I can relate to a lot of that.

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My father is very protective over me.

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But regardless, most of the

movies, everybody's excited, right?

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People are celebrating the bride.

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There's all this like beauty

and planning the wedding.

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You know, you see all the like

montage videos of them going to

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try on the dress and everything.

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Pick out cake and flowers and

work with the wedding planner.

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And it's just bliss.

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It just looks like pure bliss and joy.

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And like everybody is your

biggest like hype team around you.

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Just so excited that you're

getting married and ready

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to support you in any way.

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Now that was not my experience of

engagement and maybe it's not yours too.

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If you're in it right now.

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Or maybe you have this same idea in your

head that this is how it's going to be.

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And I just want to prepare you.

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I just want to share with you the

reality of what it is so that you have

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just more knowledge going into it.

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Um, and maybe yours is

going to be like that.

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And honestly, I mean, I pray that

it is, I mean, I pray that it's just

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amazing, but also I will say the

challenges of engagement did prepare us

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in a way for Marriage and did prepare

us in a way to, um, leave our family

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and join together to be one, right?

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When you're getting married, you

are leaving your family and you are

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creating your own, which means that

there's a new level of authority of

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responsibility and of maturity that you

need to be able to enter into marriage.

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And the unique challenges that come

with this season can truly bring you

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and your fiance together and strengthen

your relationship if you let them.

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So let's talk about this idea of what

engagement should be like and what I

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mean by this phrase of like, it shouldn't

be like anything because everybody's

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engagement is going to be different.

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Like I said, in the movies and in

the media, you often see like this

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picture, perfect vision of engagement.

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And we end up thinking that

this is what it should be like.

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And then when our engagement isn't

like that, there's disappointment and

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resentment about why it's not the way

that we thought it was going to be.

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The reality is that life is messy.

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Life is always messy.

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It's never perfect.

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And I think that we all know that as a

general rule, we all know life is messy.

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Life is life.

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Things happen.

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But then all of a sudden, when

engagement comes around and our wedding

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comes around, it's like, We're not

prepared for life to be messy anymore.

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We're prepared for everything

to work out for this season.

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And we just have to remember that

engagement is just another part

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of life and life is messy and

there's challenges that come up

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and, you know, bumps in the road.

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And so the same thing is going

to happen in your engagement,

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likely in one way or another.

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For me, it was family dynamics.

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We got engaged in college

and we're planning to get

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married right after college.

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And for our parents, mostly mine, it

was a big thing to wrap their head

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around that their daughter is going to

get married straight out of college.

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Now, this fear for them was

rooted in, they had me at a very

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young age, um, unexpectedly.

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My mom was, uh, got

pregnant when she was 19.

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My dad was 21 in college and at

the time they were obviously not

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really preparing to have a child.

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They ended up getting pregnant with me and

actually got married three years later.

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I was the flower girl at their wedding.

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So that's something little

girls don't usually get to brag

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about and something that I would

always brag about to everybody.

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But anyways, so my parents had

this experience, their own personal

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experience of a lot of trying moments

Of becoming parents really young

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before they were ready and entering

into marriage during a time where

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they weren't necessarily expecting it.

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With that came a lot of financial

hardships at the beginning of their

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marriage, a lot of growing up really fast

and maturing really fast because you just

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had to, because now they had a daughter

to take care of and provide for, and now

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they had a marriage that they were willing

to commit to and work to make work.

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However, that wasn't my situation

when I was getting married at 23.

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I was in a much different place in

my faith, maturity wise, I had a

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job lined up and had plans for the

future, all things that my parents

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didn't have at the age they were at,

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when they were having

children and getting married.

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And so, That personal experience from

my parents side played a role in our

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engagement season because there were

a lot of fears we had to talk through

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with them and a lot of concerns they

had about getting married young and

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the struggles that came with it.

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And in their words, we didn't struggle

and come to America because my

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parents are immigrants from Columbia.

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Um, Um, you know, we didn't come to

America, we didn't sacrifice all these

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things for you to just go through

the same struggles in their mind.

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They wanted me to be financially ready

to have a career, to do things a little

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bit slowly when I was older, you know?

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Um, and I had to really have

a lot of hard conversations.

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With them and with Trey and all of

us together about if we were really

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ready for marriage to really show

them why we really believed that we

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were, and the proof in our prayer and

our spiritual lives that the Lord was

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calling us to enter into our vocation.

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And that we were trusting that the

Lord was preparing us step by step

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and that the Lord was currently

preparing us to be engaged.

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And engagement is that time

of preparation for marriage.

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And so no, we were not ready

for marriage the day that we got

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engaged because we were not ready.

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Getting married.

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The day that we got engaged, we were

ready for engagement and the season of

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engagement helped us to prepare for the

day that we said, I do on the altar.

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You may also be having some

interesting family dynamics in

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this time of engagement season.

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Maybe you have siblings that Are in

a relationship or maybe are older

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than you and imagine that they

would be getting married before you.

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And that's kind of a hard dynamic, or

maybe your parents like mine aren't really

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ready to let go of their kids yet and have

fears about you getting married young, or

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maybe you have a difficult family, right?

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Maybe you come from a difficult

or broken family relationships.

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Maybe your parents are divorced, or

there's different broken relationships

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with different family members.

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That's going to make this season

of engagement really hard or

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painful or trying, um, as you're

planning and preparing for marriage,

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There may be disagreements and hard

conversations about the wedding budget.

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Maybe your family is willing to help you

in some way providing financially for

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the wedding, maybe they're not, and maybe

having the conversations about who's

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paying for what is going to be a little

bit tense or uncomfortable depending

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on what conversations around money and

budgeting, um, your family normally has.

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Or maybe your family is going to

be your biggest support system,

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and maybe this isn't where things

are going to be a little bit bumpy.

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Maybe your family is so

excited for you to get married.

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They love your fiance.

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They're going to help you financially if

they're able to and take some stress off

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of you of having to pay for the wedding.

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And maybe they're going to be just

Super helpful during wedding planning

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and just be your biggest cheerleaders.

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And again, I hope that that's the case.

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I hope that there's no stress that

comes from your family relationships

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because I know how hard that can be,

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but in case it is, I just wanted to share

an honest and just open reality of what

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my experience was like so that you know

that if this is you, you're not alone.

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And it's common for there to be

interesting and hard conversations

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with your family throughout this time.

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Next, the whole logistics of

wedding planning in general

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can get a little chaotic.

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Sometimes the logistics can

feel really overwhelming.

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There can be a lot of details

that you're trying to iron out,

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maybe in a short amount of time.

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If you have a short engagement or

maybe in a more ample amount of time,

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if you have a long engagement, either

way, planning a wedding is no joke.

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There's a lot to take care of.

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And a lot of the times there's a lot

of opinions to take into consideration.

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Maybe your mom is helping you and

she has opinions about how your

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wedding should be like, or what she

thought your wedding would be like.

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Maybe your grandma has opinions.

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Maybe your mother in law has opinions.

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Maybe.

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Your friends or your fiance

have differing opinions.

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Either way, there's a lot of people who

are going to want to share what they

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feel like your wedding should be like.

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And in the end, I want to remind you

that it's your wedding and you get to

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invite whoever's opinion you value and

you feel will be most helpful to you in

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making decisions for wedding planning.

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The personal take that I took was

to allow my mom and my mother in

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law to help guide me throughout

the wedding planning process.

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And ultimately I wanted to have that

final say on different preferences that

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I had, but I was really open and welcome

to my mother in law and my mom's, Advice

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and guidance during wedding planning.

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One, because we were very fortunate

to have our parents support us

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financially for the entire wedding.

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And so our both of our parents just split

the cost of the wedding evenly in train.

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I felt like we wanted

to respect that gift.

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They were giving us of paying for

the wedding and allowing them to

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have a little bit of a say on what

they wanted the food to be like, or

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what they thought of the reception or

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who was going to be on the guest list

and how big the guest list was going

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to be because in the end they were

throwing a party for their children

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and celebrating their marriage.

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Now they also wanted to respect our

decision and our desires because they

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knew this was a celebration of For

our marriage and for our wedding.

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And so there was a lot of mutual respect

there in planning the wedding together.

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And ultimately I did feel like they

allowed me to have the final say on

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different preferences because they

wanted it to be my dream wedding.

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And I will say this a lot of the times the

bride is the one that has more particular

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desires and dreams of their wedding.

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Do include your.

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fiance though., I made sure to go

through things with Trey and to

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include him in the wedding process,

um, and choosing different things.

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And it was funny to see what

were the things that he was more

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particular about, what were the

things that he didn't care much about.

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And in the end, he also was very

easygoing and was like, if you really

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want something, I want you to have it.

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I'm not going to be as picky.

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Um, so that's just a note too.

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Keep your fiance included.

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I think he should be a part of it.

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And I think that he should have a say

in that you guys should discuss a lot

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of things together and it shouldn't

just be you picking everything by you.

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I'm just assuming you're a woman listening

because most of my listeners are women.

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So as the bride to be, you should have

a lot of say, but I think it's also

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really important to help your fiance

be a part of it and be involved and

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have a say in a few things Because

in the end, it's also his wedding day.

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Now, there might be a lot of challenges

that come with planning the wedding,

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like I said, and a lot of stress.

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And I want you to just know,

that it's okay to delegate tasks

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and delegate responsibility.

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You may feel like you want

to do it all yourself.

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And honestly, I'm just going

to tell you straight up.

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You don't want to do it all yourself.

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You definitely want to split

the work with other people.

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And the best way to do this is if you

have a vision for something, maybe make

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a Pinterest board for that certain thing,

or write it down or describe it, and then

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hand that Point person, the vision, right?

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If your sister is going to help

you with the flowers, maybe

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you want to hand that off.

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And you're like, Hey sis, here

are the pictures of flowers

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that I have really loved.

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Here's a vibe that I want.

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If you have a budget hand over the

budget and then be like, go, you know,

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find different florists, get price

points, come back to me with them.

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We'll talk about if it fits in the

budget, if it's worth it or not.

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And then talk to the florist,

give them my vision and see if

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: 00:16:03

it's possible for them to do it.

305

: 00:16:04

And then we'll go from there.

306

: 00:16:05

Something like that.

307

: 00:16:06

Something where you can delegate.

308

: 00:16:08

a task, but you can still

hand over their vision.

309

: 00:16:11

They can kind of do more of the admin

work and then come back to you with

310

: 00:16:14

some options for you to make the final

decision is really, really helpful.

311

: 00:16:18

Finally, another challenge I want

to address is the topic of chastity.

312

: 00:16:22

Engagement brings you even closer to your

fiance and strengthens your connection,

313

: 00:16:27

your love, your relationship so much that

practicing chastity gets really hard.

314

: 00:16:33

It's so natural and good for your love

to deepen and strengthen and for you

315

: 00:16:38

to continue to have this attraction to

your fiance because in the end that's

316

: 00:16:43

what you're working towards, right?

317

: 00:16:44

To be one with each other in marriage.

318

: 00:16:47

And it gets really hard to continue

to practice chastity because

319

: 00:16:50

you have found the one, right?

320

: 00:16:52

You found the person, you know,

who you're going to marry.

321

: 00:16:54

Hopefully you've been saving yourself

for marriage and practicing chastity.

322

: 00:16:58

And now, you know, he's

going to be your husband.

323

: 00:17:00

And so it's really easy to be like, well,

I know this man's going to be my husband,

324

: 00:17:04

so we're just going to give in because

eventually we're going to be married

325

: 00:17:08

and I really, really urge you to Not do

that to continue to practice chastity to

326

: 00:17:14

continue to strengthen each other and be

a support for each other when one maybe

327

: 00:17:19

is struggling or having a weaker moment

to be the one that encourages each other

328

: 00:17:23

and says No, we're not going to do this.

329

: 00:17:26

We are going to draw a boundary.

330

: 00:17:28

We are going to cool off.

331

: 00:17:29

We are preparing for marriage and the

Lord wants to strengthen our virtue and

332

: 00:17:35

our will in this way, and it's going

to bring us closer in the long run.

333

: 00:17:38

And I promise you an outpouring of graces

is going to come on your wedding day,

334

: 00:17:43

if you've really practiced chastity

throughout your engagement season.

335

: 00:17:47

The Lord absolutely will reward

your sacrifice and your waiting.

336

: 00:17:51

So you need to continue building

self discipline and boundaries

337

: 00:17:55

in your relationship so that you

both are committed to chastity.

338

: 00:17:59

Lean on prayer and pray for

the grace to be strong in this

339

: 00:18:02

area and have God's grace.

340

: 00:18:04

Open communication with each

other of where you're struggling

341

: 00:18:07

or where you're being tempted or

what boundaries need to change in

342

: 00:18:10

order to help you guys stay chased.

343

: 00:18:13

Different things I recommend

is don't be in each other's

344

: 00:18:16

bedrooms with the door closed.

345

: 00:18:17

If you want to be in each other's

bedrooms, make sure that there are

346

: 00:18:20

people home and the door is open.

347

: 00:18:22

Um, I would say don't

hang out on your bed.

348

: 00:18:25

Having a curfew is also really helpful

if there's a time at night, maybe 10

349

: 00:18:29

or 1030 when you're like, okay This

is when we have to say goodbye because

350

: 00:18:32

we know after 1030 we get really tired

And then we just want to cuddle and

351

: 00:18:36

then that leads to making out and

that leads to everything else, right?

352

: 00:18:39

Knowing yourself knowing your temptations

Knowing your boundaries and choosing

353

: 00:18:43

a boundary that is actually going to

help you thrive is going to be really

354

: 00:18:47

helpful and lean on confession as well.

355

: 00:18:51

Like I said, this time of

engagement is not perfect.

356

: 00:18:54

You're likely not going

to be perfect in chastity.

357

: 00:18:56

And that's okay because when we send,

we have the beautiful opportunity

358

: 00:19:00

to go to confession and receive

the redemption of the Lord and the

359

: 00:19:03

forgiveness and absolution of the Lord.

360

: 00:19:05

And so continue to go back to

confession and encourage each

361

: 00:19:08

other to seek that sacrament.

362

: 00:19:10

If you are needing it in this time.

363

: 00:19:13

But don't use it as a crutch.

364

: 00:19:14

Don't just use it as something that

you can fall back on so that you can,

365

: 00:19:18

you know, cross the line and go too

far and then just be like, it's fine.

366

: 00:19:22

We can go to confession.

367

: 00:19:23

That's not true love.

368

: 00:19:25

True love won't send

you to the confessional.

369

: 00:19:27

You guys.

370

: 00:19:27

Okay.

371

: 00:19:27

I know it's really hard to wait, but

I want to encourage you to continue.

372

: 00:19:31

rooting for each other to get to heaven,

to continue pushing each other and

373

: 00:19:34

encouraging each other to be holy and to

welcome the Lord into your relationship

374

: 00:19:39

and allow him to take first priority.

375

: 00:19:42

, And when we are choosing to let

our desires override what the Lord

376

: 00:19:46

is calling us to do, we're really

choosing ourselves and our selfishness

377

: 00:19:50

and our fleshly desires over the

will of God and how he wants us to

378

: 00:19:54

live a Christ centered relationship.

379

: 00:19:55

And essentially, we're choosing ourselves

over our spouse because we're selfishly

380

: 00:20:00

grasping at this thing for our selfish

desires instead of really willing and

381

: 00:20:04

choosing the holiness of our partner.

382

: 00:20:07

So ask the Lord to give you the

grace if you're struggling in this

383

: 00:20:09

area, because I promise you he will.

384

: 00:20:11

And if you need an accountability

partner, a friend or something who you

385

: 00:20:15

can confide in and share like, Hey,

I'm really struggling in this area.

386

: 00:20:18

Can you check in on me

every once in a while?

387

: 00:20:20

Or can you make sure that my door's open?

388

: 00:20:21

If you're have a roommate or something

like that, that's really helpful too.

389

: 00:20:25

Next, I want to talk about building

a really solid support system through

390

: 00:20:29

your engagement and for your marriage.

391

: 00:20:31

This includes having maybe a family

member or a few family members who

392

: 00:20:34

you have a great relationship who

are going to give you the best advice

393

: 00:20:38

and help you through wedding planning

and maybe just talking through any

394

: 00:20:41

questions you have about marriage,

any doubts that you have, or just

395

: 00:20:44

anything that you're wrestling through.

396

: 00:20:46

I want you to also make sure that you

have a solid priest that's walking you

397

: 00:20:49

through marriage prep and maybe even a

mentor couple that you trust and that

398

: 00:20:52

again, you can learn from of how to have

a Christ centered marriage and then I

399

: 00:20:57

want you to have, uh, solid bridesmaids.

400

: 00:20:59

Now there's different ways

to pick your bridesmaids.

401

: 00:21:01

And I would say that the way I picked

mine, I don't regret and they love all

402

: 00:21:06

the ladies that were in my wedding, but

I might take a different approach now

403

: 00:21:10

if I were to be getting married today.

404

: 00:21:12

So at the time when I got engaged

and when I was getting married, I

405

: 00:21:15

picked women who were, We're really

close friends of mine, right?

406

: 00:21:18

My best friends, my sister

and people that had just been

407

: 00:21:22

important friends in my life.

408

: 00:21:24

So I had my best friend from high

school growing up, another really

409

: 00:21:27

close friend from high school.

410

: 00:21:28

I had my best friends from

college and my sister.

411

: 00:21:31

And then I also had my sister in laws,

my two sister in laws be a part of my

412

: 00:21:35

wedding party, um, because I really love

them and I really wanted to grow close to

413

: 00:21:38

them and honor them as my future sisters.

414

: 00:21:41

It's not required, um, to have your

sister in laws be your bridesmaids, but I

415

: 00:21:46

personally loved having them in my party.

416

: 00:21:48

Like I said, to grow closer to

them and to really just include

417

: 00:21:51

them in this whole celebration.

418

: 00:21:53

Um, as I already was building a great

relationship with them and I really

419

: 00:21:57

wanted to honor them as my future sisters.

420

: 00:21:59

In the end, I want to encourage you to

pick people who are going to show up for

421

: 00:22:03

your marriage, not just for your wedding.

422

: 00:22:06

There are certain bridesmaids that

I don't talk to anymore at all.

423

: 00:22:09

And not necessarily because anything

bad happened, but just because as

424

: 00:22:13

you grow older, relationships change.

425

: 00:22:15

And sometimes you distance yourself

from different people just because

426

: 00:22:18

that's the natural course of adulthood

and relationships as you move away

427

: 00:22:22

and turn to different seasons of life.

428

: 00:22:24

Now, That's okay.

429

: 00:22:25

If there's people in your life that

are really important to you now that

430

: 00:22:28

you feel like aren't necessarily

going to show up in the future.

431

: 00:22:31

If they're really important to you

now, and if it would be maybe harmful

432

: 00:22:34

to the relationship, if you didn't

include them and you want to include

433

: 00:22:37

them, go ahead and include them.

434

: 00:22:39

Bottom line is include

who you want to include.

435

: 00:22:42

But my biggest piece of advice is to

make sure that you have people in your

436

: 00:22:45

bridesmaids and your groomsmen, just

in your bridal party in general that

437

: 00:22:50

are going to show up for your marriage.

438

: 00:22:52

Women that are faithful and rooted in

Christ and going to give you the best

439

: 00:22:56

advice for a Christ centered marriage.

440

: 00:22:58

When you come to them in the

middle of marriage and you're

441

: 00:23:00

like, I don't know how to handle

this, or I'm struggling with this.

442

: 00:23:03

Or can you point me to the truth

of the Lord in this situation?

443

: 00:23:07

People that you want to make

sure that you, have people

444

: 00:23:09

like that in your bridal party.

445

: 00:23:11

Because marriage, although beautiful,

we all know comes with its own hardships

446

: 00:23:14

and challenges and it is very stretching

and sometimes it's very helpful to have

447

: 00:23:19

people that are faithful and rooted

in the Lord in your corner, that will

448

: 00:23:23

help you show you what the truth is

and what the Lord says as you work

449

: 00:23:26

through different things in marriage.

450

: 00:23:28

And let's remember that you're

preparing for the marriage, right?

451

: 00:23:31

You're not just preparing for the wedding.

452

: 00:23:32

And so this is why I want you

to have a super solid priest for

453

: 00:23:36

wedding prep, um, and marriage prep.

454

: 00:23:38

And I know that this

can sometimes be hard.

455

: 00:23:41

I have heard a lot of varying,

um, Opinions and comments and

456

: 00:23:46

reviews on different diocese,

uh, marriage prep programs.

457

: 00:23:51

And so unfortunately there is not like

across the board, a consistent way that

458

: 00:23:57

Catholic couples at least are getting

prepared for marriage throughout the

459

: 00:24:01

country and probably throughout the world.

460

: 00:24:04

And so if the prep programs

around you, you feel like aren't

461

: 00:24:09

really great or Really solid.

462

: 00:24:11

I encourage you to find

supplemental content that you

463

: 00:24:14

guys can work through on your own.

464

: 00:24:16

So we had a really unique marriage

prep situation when we were engaged

465

: 00:24:20

because we got engaged December of

: 2019

466

: 00:24:24

was 2020 and the world shut down.

467

: 00:24:26

And so we met with our

priest for engagement or not

468

: 00:24:28

engagement for marriage prep.

469

: 00:24:30

I think.

470

: 00:24:31

Twice and then the world shut

down and then he just Gave us a

471

: 00:24:35

link to the series we were working

on and he was like Go ahead.

472

: 00:24:40

You got it.

473

: 00:24:41

And we basically did our own marriage

prep all by ourselves the Series that we

474

: 00:24:46

worked through was the formed marriage

prep series, which is called Beloved.

475

: 00:24:51

Um, I believe I know that there's

like another few words that go

476

: 00:24:54

after it, like finding happiness

in your marriage or something like

477

: 00:24:57

that, or building a happy marriage.

478

: 00:24:58

Um, but it's called beloved and

it's found in the formed platform.

479

: 00:25:03

And those were the videos that

our priest was going to go

480

: 00:25:07

through us for marriage prep.

481

: 00:25:08

And that included watching the video.

482

: 00:25:10

And I think there's worksheets

with specific reflection questions

483

: 00:25:13

and discussion questions and

activities to do together.

484

: 00:25:17

We went through that one

and there was a lot of good

485

: 00:25:20

discussions that came from that.

486

: 00:25:21

However, we also were recommended another

program by Dynamic Catholic called Better

487

: 00:25:26

Together, which I really, really loved.

488

: 00:25:28

We only did about half of it because

we had already done marriage prep and

489

: 00:25:31

we got carried away with other things.

490

: 00:25:33

But I really encouraged that one.

491

: 00:25:35

I think what, from what I remember, The

videos that we watched and the workbook

492

: 00:25:39

that comes with it was a lot more

dynamic and a lot more relatable and

493

: 00:25:43

easily digestible and also had really

good conversations that it brought up in

494

: 00:25:49

Trey and I during our engagement season.

495

: 00:25:52

So again, I encourage you if they're,

if the marriage prep program in your

496

: 00:25:55

diocese isn't great, if their engagement

retreat that you have to go on isn't

497

: 00:25:59

great, please find someone Supplemental

material to have those conversations.

498

: 00:26:03

So many important conversations are needed

to be had during the engagement season.

499

: 00:26:07

And if you're not having them, it's

going to make the first few years of

500

: 00:26:10

marriage harder because things are going

to come up that you weren't prepared

501

: 00:26:14

for, or that you feel blindsided by.

502

: 00:26:17

And it's really, really good

to have these conversations

503

: 00:26:19

during the engagement season.

504

: 00:26:20

It strengthens your relationship

so much and it just establishes

505

: 00:26:23

a deeper foundation of trust

and openness with each other.

506

: 00:26:27

Topics that are Talked about, for example,

are, um, opinions on how you should

507

: 00:26:32

run your family finances, um, desires

on the children and building a family.

508

: 00:26:37

When you want to do that, how many you

want to have, um, openness to life in

509

: 00:26:41

general discussions about pornography.

510

: 00:26:43

Is that something that you've

struggled with in the past or

511

: 00:26:45

your partner has struggled with

or is currently struggling with?

512

: 00:26:47

How are you working through that?

513

: 00:26:49

How are you working to break that

sin and be free from that in and make

514

: 00:26:53

sure that it's not a part of your

marriage, um, past relationships or

515

: 00:26:57

wounds from past relationships or

family dynamics of how you grew up.

516

: 00:27:01

All these, um, just heavier

conversations are going to come

517

: 00:27:04

up during this marriage prep time.

518

: 00:27:06

And if you have a solid priest that's able

to guide you through it, that's amazing.

519

: 00:27:10

And if not, make sure that you're

finding a program that's going to

520

: 00:27:13

help you have these conversations

and guide you through them.

521

: 00:27:17

And then there's NFP.

522

: 00:27:18

And I want to say a quick note on this.

523

: 00:27:19

Don't wait to learn nfp.

524

: 00:27:22

We started learning nfp like a few

months after we got engaged I literally

525

: 00:27:26

did an fp for like 10 months before

we got married because we had a long

526

: 00:27:29

engagement And so we had ample time

to really understand the nfp method We

527

: 00:27:34

were learning we learned the creighton

method and feel really confident in how

528

: 00:27:38

to use it in marriage both to avoid And

to achieve pregnancy And so I encourage

529

: 00:27:43

you to start early to find an instructor

in a method that you really trust.

530

: 00:27:47

Personally, I am the biggest

advocate for the Creighton program.

531

: 00:27:50

I know it's really popular

nowadays to use Marquette because

532

: 00:27:53

it has the little machine.

533

: 00:27:55

And personally, I don't recommend

that you just do that, especially

534

: 00:28:00

when you're starting out.

535

: 00:28:01

Um, because.

536

: 00:28:03

You don't learn as much

as you do in Creighton.

537

: 00:28:05

When you learn the Creighton method,

you look for markers in your body

538

: 00:28:08

that tell you where you are in

different parts of your cycle.

539

: 00:28:11

And you learn so much about your cycle as

a woman, as well as Your fiance learned

540

: 00:28:17

so much about your cycle as a woman.

541

: 00:28:19

So Trey wouldn't know what he knows today

about my cycle and our fertility as a

542

: 00:28:23

whole and how cycles and fertility works.

543

: 00:28:27

If we hadn't done Creighton and I

wouldn't feel as confident in knowing

544

: 00:28:30

my cycles and knowing my body as

well, if I hadn't done Creighton.

545

: 00:28:33

And if I just had a machine, tell me.

546

: 00:28:36

Where I, like, if it, if my

fertility is high or low and, and

547

: 00:28:39

that's it, you know what I mean?

548

: 00:28:40

So, highly encourage you to start early,

um, to learn the method so that you

549

: 00:28:45

can feel really, really comfortable and

solid in what you're going to be doing,

550

: 00:28:49

either achieving or avoiding pregnancy.

551

: 00:28:52

And I also just want to say a quick

note about just the whole decision

552

: 00:28:55

of if you're going to try for

kids right away or not, this is a

553

: 00:28:57

really touchy and um, controversial

subject in the Catholic world.

554

: 00:29:03

I feel like, right.

555

: 00:29:05

And a lot of people have a lot of

opinions on this and truly what the

556

: 00:29:08

church teaches is that we should

be open to life in our marriage.

557

: 00:29:11

Basically you should not

be entering into marriage.

558

: 00:29:14

If you know for a fact that you

are not ready to have children.

559

: 00:29:16

And if you know for a fact that if you had

a child, There would be a grave situation.

560

: 00:29:21

Now, if you have fears about having

children, that's completely normal.

561

: 00:29:26

And I would say having this,

these fears, isn't necessarily the

562

: 00:29:29

reason to call off an engagement.

563

: 00:29:31

If you, if you feel the Lord is really

calling you to that in this time,

564

: 00:29:35

but it is really important that you

work through those with the spiritual

565

: 00:29:39

director and with your fiance.

566

: 00:29:41

So by the time you're saying, I

do, You feel more confident in the

567

: 00:29:45

possibility of bringing children

into your family at any time.

568

: 00:29:49

Now I will say that reasons why a couple

will abstain and wait to have children

569

: 00:29:53

is going to be different for each family.

570

: 00:29:56

And the church guides us and tells

us that there should be really a

571

: 00:29:59

grave matter for putting that off.

572

: 00:30:00

And that can look different

for every family, financial

573

: 00:30:03

things, emotional things.

574

: 00:30:05

Whether it be financial or

emotional or whatever it is.

575

: 00:30:07

What may be grave to one family

may not be grave to another.

576

: 00:30:11

And I really encourage you to make this

decision together with the Lord in prayer,

577

: 00:30:15

allow the Lord to speak into this, um,

and then find a spiritual director.

578

: 00:30:20

I can't tell you how helpful it is.

579

: 00:30:21

To be honest, you guys, the first

few months of marriage, I was

580

: 00:30:25

afraid to have kids and I am someone

who has always wanted to be a mom

581

: 00:30:29

and has always desired children.

582

: 00:30:31

For some reason, there was

this certain fear that I had.

583

: 00:30:35

And at first I thought I wanted to wait

a while and through spiritual direction

584

: 00:30:40

through my engagement season in those

early months of marriage I was able to

585

: 00:30:43

uncover certain wounds that needed healing

that my spiritual director was able to

586

: 00:30:48

pray through and uh through that and a

certain retreat that I went to Was able

587

: 00:30:53

to find healing in these old childhood

wound areas in my heart and in my soul

588

: 00:30:58

That all of a sudden lifted this fear

and anxiety off of my heart In a few

589

: 00:31:03

months into marriage, I think it was like

Eight months into marriage, we were like,

590

: 00:31:07

yeah, we are ready to have children.

591

: 00:31:09

We really want to have children and we've

been trying to have children ever since.

592

: 00:31:12

And if you follow me on Instagram,

you know that I share openly that

593

: 00:31:15

we're struggling with infertility.

594

: 00:31:16

So pray for us if you ever have a moment

to, um, that we'd be able to have a

595

: 00:31:21

family and conceive, um, children one day.

596

: 00:31:23

But all I'm trying to say is that it's

totally normal for you to have fears.

597

: 00:31:27

And so much happens in those first few

months of marriage, where if you have

598

: 00:31:31

certain hesitations or fears that you're

working through, the graces of marriage

599

: 00:31:34

and working with a spiritual director

are abundant and will change your heart.

600

: 00:31:39

Um, and in the end, bottom line, you

want to be open to children whenever

601

: 00:31:44

the Lord calls you to have them.

602

: 00:31:46

Okay.

603

: 00:31:46

Last thing I want to talk about is

in this time of planning for your

604

: 00:31:49

wedding, focus on planning the mass.

605

: 00:31:52

I think this part is so overlooked by

couples where we get so caught up in

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: 00:31:58

the florals and the colors and the food

and the, just the design of everything.

607

: 00:32:03

And the mass is.

608

: 00:32:05

A lot of the times, one of the last

things people look at are one of the

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: 00:32:08

things that people speed through the most.

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: 00:32:10

And I think if you're Catholic, it's

easy to do this because the church gives

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: 00:32:13

you certain readings to pick from for

your first, second, and gospel readings.

612

: 00:32:18

Um, you don't just get to pick any book

of the Bible or any passage in the Bible.

613

: 00:32:22

They have certain ones

that are for weddings.

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: 00:32:24

So I think it can be easy to just be

like, Oh, it's already done for us.

615

: 00:32:27

We just have to pick one

really quick and that's it.

616

: 00:32:29

And I'll tell you, our

mass was my favorite.

617

: 00:32:32

Favorite part of the entire day.

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: 00:32:35

And we spent the most time planning

that, that part of our day and the

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: 00:32:39

feedback that we got from our guests,

our family and friends was that it

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: 00:32:43

was truly one of the most heavenly

masses that they were a part of.

621

: 00:32:46

And I believe it's because we put

so much thought and meaning into

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: 00:32:50

the things that we picked out

to really make the mass our own.

623

: 00:32:53

We read through all of the

different readings at the church

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: 00:32:57

provided for the wedding mass.

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: 00:32:59

We picked out a few that we felt

like resonated with us more,

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: 00:33:02

and then we prayed through them.

627

: 00:33:04

We prayed Lectio Divina through

these different passages together

628

: 00:33:08

and discussed what we felt like

the Lord was saying in prayer, what

629

: 00:33:11

resonated with us, what message we

wanted to bring into our marriage or

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: 00:33:15

share with our family and friends.

631

: 00:33:17

And that's how we picked the readings.

632

: 00:33:19

We did the same things with the Psalms.

633

: 00:33:21

And then when it came to the songs in

the music, that sounded really similar.

634

: 00:33:24

We did the same things

with the Psalms, right?

635

: 00:33:27

From scripture.

636

: 00:33:28

And then the songs, S O N G S, we picked,

um, Also with a lot of intention, and

637

: 00:33:35

this is also going to vary depending on

what church you're getting married in.

638

: 00:33:38

Some churches have really strict rules

about what kind of music you can have.

639

: 00:33:41

Some only have very traditional organs

and maybe like string instruments.

640

: 00:33:47

Um, some have more flexibility and

allow you to pick your own, um,

641

: 00:33:50

cantor maybe and pick your own songs.

642

: 00:33:53

Luckily, um, we had a lot of

flexibility in the parish we were

643

: 00:33:56

getting married in, and we chose some

of our favorite praise and worship

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: 00:34:00

songs to be, um, throughout our mass.

645

: 00:34:03

And it just brought this beautiful element

of like, charismaticness that we love

646

: 00:34:09

in our faith, um, into the mass with

a very traditional way of doing mass,

647

: 00:34:14

um, and a really traditional homily.

648

: 00:34:17

It just kind of blended all these

parts of our faith that we love and

649

: 00:34:20

it allowed the mass to be really

reverent and beautiful, as well as

650

: 00:34:23

allowing us through the songs to have

a space for more of that free praise

651

: 00:34:27

and worship that we all really love.

652

: 00:34:29

I'm telling you, there were people in

the crowd, you know, with their hands

653

: 00:34:32

up, we were just like, Belting and I

was just like eyes closed, just like

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: 00:34:37

praising the Lord through these songs.

655

: 00:34:39

Um, if you want any inspiration on

those, I think I have it linked in

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: 00:34:42

my wedding highlight or something.

657

: 00:34:44

Um, I'll link it in the show notes too.

658

: 00:34:46

I have a Spotify playlist with all

the songs we used in our wedding mass.

659

: 00:34:49

And the name of the playlist

is the date of our wedding.

660

: 00:34:51

Oh, three 1321.

661

: 00:34:53

Um, so I'll link it in the show

notes if you want any inspo,

662

: 00:34:55

because I'm really biased, but I.

663

: 00:34:57

I love the songs we picked for our wedding

mass and I listen to them all the time

664

: 00:35:01

in prayer and they just bring me back.

665

: 00:35:03

Um, so be really intentional

about planning your wedding mass.

666

: 00:35:06

It makes all the difference.

667

: 00:35:07

It's the most important part of your

day, so don't leave it till the end.

668

: 00:35:11

Whew.

669

: 00:35:12

That was a lot and I'm sure there's

so much more we could talk about,

670

: 00:35:14

but I don't want to overwhelm you.

671

: 00:35:15

And these were just the most important

points that I felt like were necessary

672

: 00:35:18

to talk about for preparing to have a God

centered marriage and to have a peaceful

673

: 00:35:22

and just really embrace your season of

engagement with whatever it comes with.

674

: 00:35:27

And in the end, what I want to leave you

with is that the engagement season is so

675

: 00:35:30

much more than just planning a wedding.

676

: 00:35:32

It's time to prepare for a holy

and lifelong commitment and your

677

: 00:35:36

vocation, which essentially is the

path the Lord has paved for you to

678

: 00:35:39

get to heaven and be with him forever.

679

: 00:35:42

And every challenge you

face now is an opportunity.

680

: 00:35:44

opportunity for you to strengthen

your marriage, for you to grow in

681

: 00:35:47

your faith and grow in intimacy with

the Lord and surrender with the Lord.

682

: 00:35:51

There is so much about this process

that's going to call you to surrender.

683

: 00:35:55

And that is a good thing.

684

: 00:35:57

It helps you grow and rely on the

Lord, which we need to more and

685

: 00:36:00

more in which you'll find you're

going to need to do in marriage.

686

: 00:36:03

So if you're in this season, I want to

encourage you to stay grounded in prayer.

687

: 00:36:07

Don't neglect your prayer life.

688

: 00:36:09

Make sure you're having time with

the Lord every single day so that you

689

: 00:36:13

actually have the space to hear him

as he guides you through this process.

690

: 00:36:17

And lean on the support

of your loved ones.

691

: 00:36:19

If you have maybe your mom that you're

really close with a best friend, who's

692

: 00:36:22

really going to support you through

this and your fiance, you're going to

693

: 00:36:25

need those people that are going to

help keep your head straight on and help

694

: 00:36:29

you with wedding planning and just be

a sounding board as you work through

695

: 00:36:33

any emotions and anything that happens

throughout your engagement season,

696

: 00:36:37

embrace the messy, the imperfect.

697

: 00:36:40

And just let this time be one where

you can grow close to your fiance and

698

: 00:36:44

really strengthen your trust and and

your relationship with each other.

699

: 00:36:47

Thanks for joining me today.

700

: 00:36:48

You guys, I really hope that it was

helpful and know that I'm praying for

701

: 00:36:50

you as you prepare for your vocation.

702

: 00:36:52

If you have a friend who is engaged,

please send this over to her.

703

: 00:36:56

I'm always wanting to welcome

new people into our community.

704

: 00:36:59

So it's It's so helpful to me when you

give me a five star rating or share an

705

: 00:37:03

episode with a friend that you feel

like would really resonate from it,

706

: 00:37:06

um, or share on Instagram at ever be

so that we can reach more people and

707

: 00:37:11

help them live Christ centered lives.

708

: 00:37:13

If you have any more questions

about your engagement, I'm happy

709

: 00:37:16

to provide any insight that I can.

710

: 00:37:17

Again, I am not the end all

be all, but I do have some

711

: 00:37:20

experience in my own engagement.

712

: 00:37:22

Um, in walking with a few

other friends and I just love

713

: 00:37:25

supporting women in this season.

714

: 00:37:26

So if this is you and you feel like

you still have some questions, drop

715

: 00:37:29

me a DM on my Instagram at mari.

716

: 00:37:31

c.

717

: 00:37:32

wagner.

718

: 00:37:32

I try to get to as many DMs as possible.

719

: 00:37:34

Um, and if I don't have time to type

out a huge long thing, I'll usually

720

: 00:37:38

just send you a voice message, um, with

some of my thoughts and prayers for you.

721

: 00:37:41

So feel free to do that as well.

722

: 00:37:43

But all in all, I'm praying for you and I

hope that you have a wonderful engagement

723

: 00:37:47

season and a wonderful day by you guys.

724

: 00:37:49

See you next week.