Episode 50

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Published on:

5th Mar 2025

50: Answering All Your Dating and Relationships Questions LIVE | Live Q&A with Trey at SEEK25

A special live episode of the Ever Be Podcast recorded at the podcast stage during SEEK25 in Salt Lake City. In this episode, Mari and Trey do a live Q&A session answering all your questions about God-centered relationships and holy dating. They discuss their personal spiritual lives, how they prioritize prayer, and share their experiences on discerning marriage. Mari and Trey answer questions from the audience about daily spiritual practices, making the first move in dating, and setting boundaries for chastity. They also offer advice for those attending a dating event, including questions to ask on a first date and how to bring up faith casually. Whether you're single, dating, or married, this episode provides valuable insights on building a relationship rooted in faith.

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Transcript
Speaker:

Welcome to a special episode of

this podcast recorded live at

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the Max Studios podcast stage

during Seek 25 in Salt Lake City.

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To find more shows recorded at

Seek, search for The Seek Podcast

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in your favorite podcast app.

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Enjoy.

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Hello everybody, how are we doing?

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Amazing.

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Welcome to the EverBeat Podcast.

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We are so pumped to be

here with you guys live.

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We record or mostly I record every

week and it's just me up in my loft

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talking to my camera by myself.

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So it is so amazing to see every

single one of your faces that I

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get to speak to every single week.

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Um, this week we have my most

favorite guest that I get to bring

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on the podcast, my husband Trey.

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Hello everybody!

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So whenever I meet a fellow listener,

I ask them like what has resonated

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with you most from the podcast

because it's encouraging for me.

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I want to know what's hitting home.

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And like nine times out of ten,

people say, I love your love story.

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I love when Trey comes on the

podcast, like people want to hear

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what good Catholic men have to say.

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Right.

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And so I thought we

would bring him on today.

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It took a little bit of

convincing, but he is here.

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So let's give Trey a warm welcome.

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Hey everybody.

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So happy to be here.

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Awesome.

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So today we're going to

be doing a live Q and A.

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We're pumped.

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We're a little bit nervous because

these are brand new questions and

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we're like, okay, come Holy Spirit.

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Hopefully we can give the best

advice that we can and hopefully

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it's the Lord's words, not ours.

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But we're going to be chatting about.

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God centered relationships, how to

have a holy relationship, how to

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know like, is he really the one?

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Is this what the Lord's calling me to do?

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So we're just going to get

right into it and start it off

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with the very first question.

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Hold on before you start.

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Okay, go ahead.

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I am very thankful that we got to screen

some of these or just read them first

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because you asked some good questions

and it gave me some time to think.

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So, uh, that was a good move

on our end for, uh, absolutely.

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Okay.

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Question number one, what do

your daily spiritual lives

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look like from morning to end?

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This is a great question.

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I'm excited to answer this because

this is the foundation of what

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a God centered relationship is

really going to thrive from.

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So Trey, do you want to talk

about your spiritual life?

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Well, it depends.

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Uh, it is, is it a good day or a bad day?

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So I feel like On a good day, I

wake up and I try to do a morning

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offering, and I go downstairs,

make a cup of coffee, and watch the

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sun rise out our window and pray.

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What do you pray with?

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Very simple.

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Uh, either liturgy of the

hours, morning prayer.

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I love that a lot.

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Uh, Lectio Divina with scripture.

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Or I'll just journal.

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I have to journal to process.

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I'm a very slow processor.

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And so journaling helps me a lot.

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Uh, but then, yeah, it was

just individual prayer.

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Um, and then the day

starts, uh, I'll be honest.

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I fail to pray a lot more than

I succeed at praying though.

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So, uh, that's on a good day.

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If it's a bad day, then hopefully I'll

be getting a rosary in on the car ride.

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Uh, or we'll pray one together.

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But then, that's my

personal spiritual life.

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Uh, do you do anything

in the morning, Martin?

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I think, I think it looks

pretty similar on our end.

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We both really try and

prioritize our own personal

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relationships with the Lord first.

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So, it's really important for us to cut

out daily prayer time in our own lives.

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And for us, we've experienced that if we

don't do it first thing in the morning,

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it's just likely not going to get done.

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Does not happen.

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Because the day begins, your

to do list starts growing.

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And it gets hard to get around to it.

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So we try to incorporate it

into our morning routine.

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We wake up, and we each kind

of have our own space to pray.

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Much like Trey, I usually have

guided prayer either with scripture

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or journaling and devotional.

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Um, or sometimes just meditation.

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Just like, being with the Lord,

I love praying with music.

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And so lately, one of my friends turned

me onto this playlist called Uh, soaking

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in the presence of Jesus or something

like that, or yeah, something like that.

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I'll link it in the, in the show notes

of this episode when it goes up, but it's

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basically one hour of instrumental music.

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And you put that on and your prayer

is like, all of a sudden, like

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the best prayer you've ever had.

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Like it is so deep.

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It is so contemplative and wonderful

and it just really helps me focus.

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So we try to do that in the morning.

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Likewise.

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Um, we really believe in the

power of the rosary, so we really

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try and pray a rosary every day.

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Um, want y'all to know we're not perfect.

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Trey has made that clear and you

know, it's hard for us to do it

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every single day, but it's something

that we really strive to do.

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Um, and then, then what would be

like, we end our days together and

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we pray together before we go to bed.

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Yeah.

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How we pray together at night.

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Super, super casual.

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Anybody in the audience can

do this with your spouse.

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It's super easy.

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We just are laying in bed and

we just pray from the heart.

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Just like 30 seconds to a minute.

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Just thank God for the

blessings of the day.

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Ask for whatever petitions are on our

hearts, pray for our friends and family.

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Um, and that's it.

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And like, that's just like the day to day.

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Uh, there are times where we'll ask

each other to pray for each other.

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If we're feeling particularly

stressed or anxious, or, uh, we

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have something big going on in

our life that we want prayers for.

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Um, so those are more like off

the cuff, like when things are.

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Um, happening in our lives that

need extra prayers, but that's

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kind of the daily ritual, I guess.

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Yeah, I really especially love the

practice we have of praying together

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every night before we go to bed.

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Um, because it just creates, not

just like a consistency, but also

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just a natural comfortability to

be vulnerable with your spouse.

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You'd be surprised, like we know a

lot of married couples who've never

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prayed together and they're like,

well, wouldn't that be awkward?

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Like, wouldn't it be awkward, like, saying

out loud, like, What you're struggling

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with or talking to God and yeah at first

sure it could be like a little bit nerve

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wracking but we know that that is the

foundation of our relationship us being

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rooted in the Lord and No one is going

to pray harder for you than your spouse.

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Maybe your mom She might she might pray

just as hard but you want to be able to

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be open with your spouse right and let

them in because you are one with this

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person and We had a mentor in college who?

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Really encouraged us to begin praying

together since the time we were

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dating and how you pray together is

going to change depending on what

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part of the relationship you're at.

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Um, so maybe at the time when we were

dating, we would pray a decade of

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the rosary together every single day.

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So we would either FaceTime and

do it if we weren't together or

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if we, or if we were together in

person, we would do it together.

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Or if we didn't have time to call,

we would text each other and be

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like, just prayed our decade.

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Um, and so we would do that.

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And then as the relationship

got more serious.

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We opened up a little bit more,

you know, and then it's like, Hey,

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I'm really anxious about this.

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Can you pray for me?

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And in the moment, you know, Trey would

place his hands on me in the car and

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just like begin to pray for whatever

it was that I was struggling with.

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Um, and this mentor in college, he really

stressed it cause he said like prayer is

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like bearing your souls to each other.

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And it is like more

intimate than sex really.

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Like you're letting people into

the deepest parts of your heart.

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And so if you can't do that

with your spouse, right?

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There's a problem there.

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There's a lack of intimacy that

you're missing out on that you can

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really, um, connect with your spouse.

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So that is one of my favorite things

that we do, prayer before bed.

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Um, so highly encourage you

guys to, to take that up.

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Okay, great.

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We need to answer these quicker.

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My bad, my bad.

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We have a lot of, we

have a lot of questions.

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I know we have good ones.

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All right, this one's fun.

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You go next.

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This one's fun.

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What would you be the patron saint of?

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Do you want to answer for me?

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For you?

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Yeah.

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Put you on the spot?

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Uh, golf.

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Okay.

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True.

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Is there a patron saint of golf?

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No.

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Like, it's gonna be you.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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Well, I need to get a lot better then.

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Okay.

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What about me?

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What about me?

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Uh, you'd be social media, for sure.

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Or chocolate.

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Or chocolate.

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Chocolate.

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Okay.

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There you go.

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Alright, next.

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Okay, I have a fun one.

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Do you think girls should

make the first move or not?

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Asking out on dates, et cetera.

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I think ideally the man

makes the first move.

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I think everybody wants that.

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Like the girls want that the guys want

that, but it's not a perfect world.

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And you know, sometimes guys are dumb

and they need some like encouragement.

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And so, I mean, girls in all things in

life, like men are not mind readers.

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And so be very obvious with your hints.

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Uh, if you want him to ask you out,

so I mean, if, if he's not making the

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first move, you have permission to

give them very, very obvious hints.

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But I think in the perfect world, yeah,

the guy should be making the first move.

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I agree.

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I agree that like, you want the guy

to make the first move and like,

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we want to empower men to be able

to have that confidence, you know,

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and that vulnerability to be like,

Hey, like, can I take you on a date?

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Like you're beautiful.

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Or like, I've loved hanging out with you.

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Like, can I take you to coffee?

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I will say our experience was different.

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Um, I sort of feel like

I made the first move.

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It's because you can't wait.

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You fell, you fell too fast.

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I was still, I was, I was behind.

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Um, so I mean, if you want to

hear the full story, it's like

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one of the very first episodes of

the podcast, but basically we got

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connected through a mutual friend.

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We both wanted to start up Bible studies

on campus and kind of create more of

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a Catholic community on our campus.

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And so we got set up on like a

coffee date to talk about that.

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And we started hanging out more

and planning these Bible studies.

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And all of a sudden this guy is like

continually asking me out to coffee

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and to brunch to plan Bible study.

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And we don't talk about Bible study

in like the hour and a half that we're

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there supposedly planning Bible study,

but he'd never used the word date.

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And I wasn't sure what was going on.

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And, um, after there was one

brunch, he asked me out too.

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And my friends were

like, okay, if he pays.

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Then it's a date and then you should talk

about what's going on if he doesn't pay

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Then maybe it's not a date And so we went

to brunch and we were chatting we had

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like the best conversation ever and I'm

just hanging out like having a Good time

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the waiter brings the check and it sits

there and I'm like, wow He's not paying

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like he must be having such a good time

hanging out with me Like he just wants

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the date to go longer and I'm waiting

for her to like say something about the

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check I like let it sit on the table and

clear sight for like 30 minutes Waiting

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for, waiting for her to like say like,

okay, like, should we go, should we pay?

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And then I can be like,

oh yeah, do you the check?

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Or waiting for her to kind of,

She was waiting for me to be

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like, hey, I'll help you out with

the check, like we should split.

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I didn't want her to, I didn't,

I did not want to ask her to pay.

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And so I was waiting, I was waiting, I was

waiting, I was waiting for her to offer.

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And so I gave her a lot of time.

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And it never offered inside his page.

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And then, and then he picked up the

check and I was like, oh my gosh, day.

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But then I asked you to pay,

I, I asked you to pay for the

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Uber though, to like offset it.

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Oh yeah.

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But then he asked me to pay for

the Uber, so I was like, stingy.

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Um, but then we got back to campus and

we were gonna go study in the library.

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'cause we had a religion

class, uh, test coming up.

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And I like, if, if something is on my

heart, you guys like, I can't keep it in.

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Like I can't hide my emotions.

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And so we're walking and in my

head I'm like, I just have to ask.

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So I just counted down, I said, three,

two, one, and then I just asked him,

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I'm like, I need to ask you something.

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Was today a date or not?

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I'm confused.

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And that caught me off guard.

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And that caught him off guard.

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He was like, uh, he's like, I didn't

plan it for it to be, but like,

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I kind of want one in the future.

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Turns out he was, uh, really focusing

on his relationship with the Lord,

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which was such a good thing, right?

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And I had been in that season right

before, like, not dating, focusing

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on my relationship with the Lord.

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So I just told them, listen, I'm not

interested in dating any other guy on this

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campus, um, so when you're ready to date

somebody, call me, cause I'll be here.

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And I think that really surprised him,

um, so in that case, I would say if the

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Lord's putting it on your heart, if you

have a conviction that like, this is a

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man God's putting in your life, don't

be afraid, you know, like it's okay

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for girls to make the first move too.

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Yes.

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All right.

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Moving on.

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This one is related, so we can kind of

continue telling about our story a bit.

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The question is, how do you pursue

friendship prior to a relationship?

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Go ahead.

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So, Mari and I, I mean it

was a quick friendship.

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We fell hard and fast for each

other, but we were friends for,

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I don't know, like two months.

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Two months.

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So in the grand scheme of things,

that's not very long, but it

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felt long when we were in it.

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But when we were in it, we

thought we were like, we thought

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it was like such a long time.

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Um, well, I mean, we just would

hang out, like, we would just have

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really, really good conversations.

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Um, and, I mean, we would try to, I guess,

be prudent in, like, what we would share,

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but, like, I don't know, I don't think we

did a very good job at that, we were just

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Just love and hanging out with each other.

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We would go to, we went to like a

concert together with a group of

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friends and I'd hang out with her

and her friends and their apartment.

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And I think it was, um, we started when we

started hanging out, like there was kind

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of a natural thing that started to happen,

but truly like we were both in a place

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where we were like, we don't feel like

the Lord is calling us to date right now.

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We feel like he's calling us to

really like pursue our faith.

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We were both going through a

reversion in our own lives.

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Um, but we were both interested in being

with each other, so we said, like, we're

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gonna pray about it, and we're gonna

wait for the Lord to let us know, and

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give us the go, like, now you guys, like,

now it's my will for you to date, um,

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and so we had to set some boundaries,

especially because we already, like,

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were interested with each other, in,

in each other, and, I mean, in college,

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like, You're just like, you're trying

to find the person you're going to

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marry, you know, and it's hard to do

that, but we had to set some boundaries.

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So we were like, Hey, we're

going to hang out with friends.

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You know, we're not going to be intimate,

like no kissing or anything like that.

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Like not until we're dating, like, are we

actually going to act like we're dating?

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Um, and we're actually just going

to spend time talking, getting

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to know each other, and those

are some of my favorite memories.

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Like we spent hours talking

about our families, like.

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Talking about Trey and like his love

for baseball and, you know, the fact

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that he grew up with six siblings.

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I like could not believe what that

was like, you know, and so just

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getting to know like our childhood,

our families, um, and I think

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that was, yeah, that's what really

helped us build our, our friendship.

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Okay, I think a lot of people are going to

be going to a dating event tonight, right?

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Yes, yes.

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I hope.

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So we have some questions about that.

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Yes.

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Okay, so first question here, which

is related to that, um, how do you

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bring up faith on a first date?

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You didn't proof this with me first.

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Okay, I have some thoughts.

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I don't think you have to bring

up faith on the first date.

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I disagree.

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Alright, go.

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I want to hear your take.

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Okay, my thought is this.

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If your faith is the most important

thing in your life, if it is like

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the number one non negotiable, like

it was for us, it should come up

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naturally in those first conversations.

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If it's not the most important thing

in your life, like, you're not going

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to be naturally talking about it.

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But if it is, it can be a very casual

thing, and this is what I always, like,

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tell my friends when they're going

on dates, like, you just talk about

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going to church or Bible study or your

faith as if you're talking about, like,

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going to Qdoba or Chipotle, you know?

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Like, don't make it a thing of, like, oh,

by the way, like, I'm Catholic, you know?

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Like, you just, like, oh, yeah,

like, what did you do this weekend?

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Oh, yeah, like, I went to Mass, you know?

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Or, like, oh, I go to a

Bible study on Tuesdays.

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Yeah, or, like, oh, I grew up Catholic

and You know, something like very casual

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and sometimes you might feel awkward,

but I am like the biggest fan of like

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fake it till you make it and the more you

talk about your faith, the less awkward

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it's going to get, the less awkward it's

going to be to talk about your faith.

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And the more confident you are, the

more the person that you're getting to

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know is going to understand like, Oh,

this is like a big deal in her life.

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Like, does that fit with

my lifestyle or not?

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And you want to find out pretty soon.

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Like if you're trying to find a Catholic

woman or man to marry and this person's

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not Catholic, then don't waste your time.

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Hey, I mean, I think you convinced

me, but the question, the question

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was, how do you bring it up?

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How do you bring it up?

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So, how do you?

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Well, yeah, just for, like, in a

casual way, I think, like, talk about

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your weekend, talk about what you do,

um, one thing, this is also another

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question that was here, uh, any advice

for the speed dating event tonight?

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What do you ask on a first date?

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We like to ask, or we like to, to, when

we're getting to know somebody, like,

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and when people are dating, like, we

ask, what are you passionate about?

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Like, what do you love?

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What are your dreams?

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What are you passionate about?

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:

And I feel like faith should

come up in that conversation.

372

:

So that's a really easy answer.

373

:

If you want to talk about it, but it's

not coming up, you could ask them like,

374

:

Hey, what are you passionate about?

375

:

What do you love most?

376

:

And they'll talk about whatever it is.

377

:

And then if they're a good dater,

they'll probably ask you too.

378

:

Like, what about you?

379

:

And then you could bring it up there.

380

:

Yeah.

381

:

I think that's a great segue

into like talking about faith is

382

:

what are you passionate about?

383

:

And then if he asks that question to you.

384

:

Then you can obviously say your

Catholic faith, um, and then

385

:

you can hear about that for him.

386

:

And if you start it by like opening

that door of faith conversations, then,

387

:

uh, it'll be more easy for the other

party to also be like, okay, great.

388

:

Let's talk about this.

389

:

Yeah.

390

:

Um, but the other question that

for that card was questions to ask

391

:

at the speed dating event tonight.

392

:

So what are you passionate about?

393

:

But I also love like,

what are your dreams?

394

:

Uh, And skip the questions

like, what do you do for work?

395

:

Like you have five

minutes with each other.

396

:

So skip over all that.

397

:

That's no fun.

398

:

Um, so I ask questions.

399

:

What are you passionate about?

400

:

Uh, what are your dreams?

401

:

Where do you see yourself

in five, 10 years?

402

:

Um, how would, how would

others describe you?

403

:

I feel like I learned so much about you

when we were dating because we were, you

404

:

were doing a project for a leadership

class and the whole thing was like asking

405

:

people that really knew you to describe.

406

:

Who you were and what your character was

like and this was like three weeks into

407

:

me meeting him and so I was helping him

with that project and the way that he

408

:

was described by his family and friends

really gave me an Insight into who he

409

:

was so that could be a good question,

too Yeah, yeah Or like a recent I like

410

:

to know what somebody's recently really

into and so I feel like sometimes we

411

:

go through phases of like Something

you're really, really, really into.

412

:

And so I like to ask that question,

like, what in the past, like, month,

413

:

have you been really into, uh, like,

what are you binging right now?

414

:

So those are good questions for tonight.

415

:

Okay.

416

:

Another question here.

417

:

What if they check every

box except for Catholicism?

418

:

This is a tough one.

419

:

Flirt to convert.

420

:

That is good advice for tonight as well.

421

:

It is good advice, but

it's not the answer always.

422

:

You definitely want faith to be, don't.

423

:

It's not fully true is what I'm saying.

424

:

Yes, yes.

425

:

And I think, I think it's really going

to come down to personal discernment.

426

:

Um, what my heart wants to say right now,

right, because it's, it's what I found

427

:

and what I have seen in my friends who

have really prioritized finding a Catholic

428

:

man is don't drop that as a standard.

429

:

Like that should be the number one non

negotiable box and if you're negotiating

430

:

then it's not a non negotiable.

431

:

Okay, like it needs to be a non negotiable

um, because It's really hard when you're

432

:

dating to think about what the future's

gonna look like, what your marriage is

433

:

gonna look like, and then you get into

marriage, and it's beautiful, and it's

434

:

amazing, but like, you go through really

hard things, and I can't imagine, I

435

:

cannot imagine being married to someone

who was not Catholic, or did not have a

436

:

strong faith life, or who couldn't lead

me and our future children to heaven.

437

:

Um, personally, I don't desire

anything else but a Catholic marriage.

438

:

So for me, I would say if they check

every box except for Catholicism,

439

:

really communicate that and be like,

it's really important for me to

440

:

marry somebody who is a practicing

Catholic, are you open to it at all?

441

:

Because the reality and what I want to say

with this is that the Lord will have some

442

:

of you marry someone who's not Catholic.

443

:

And that might just be a special

mission that he has for you.

444

:

Um, and it may be that that person's

going to convert, that's always an option.

445

:

So that's why there is

some discernment with it.

446

:

I would say like the person needs to at

least be open to it and be supportive of

447

:

you going to mass with you, maybe praying

with you and being open to learning more.

448

:

But if they're like completely

closed off, I would say it's,

449

:

it's not the right person for you.

450

:

Yeah.

451

:

Yeah.

452

:

You said it beautifully.

453

:

I think the only thing I

would add is, uh, two things.

454

:

One, God has his own plan

for each of your lives.

455

:

And so it's up, it's between you and

the Lord and the person you're dating.

456

:

Uh, and it's different for everybody,

so we can't give a blanket answer.

457

:

But, merit like, in the Catholic

Church, sacra the sacrament

458

:

of marriage is a sacrament.

459

:

And, if you're you are Catholic,

you need to be getting married

460

:

in the Catholic Church.

461

:

It is a beautiful, beautiful

sacrament, and there's sacramental

462

:

graces that come from that.

463

:

And you also are obliged to raise

your children in the Catholic faith.

464

:

And so, those are the conversations

you need to have with the person you're

465

:

dating, uh, to to go down that road.

466

:

Yep.

467

:

Okay, I have a fun question.

468

:

What is one thing that annoys

you guys about each other

469

:

and how do you get past it?

470

:

Do you want to go first?

471

:

I feel like this is a trap.

472

:

Okay, I'll go first.

473

:

Okay, go.

474

:

Okay, I'll go first.

475

:

I love you a lot and there's not a

lot of things that annoy me about you.

476

:

Good start.

477

:

But um, one thing is, you kind of

mentioned it, you process a little slower.

478

:

And so, I feel like my brain as a woman

is like 5, 000 steps ahead and half

479

:

the time when we're talking I'm just

like, I'm already there, you know, like

480

:

what we're like, catch up, catch up.

481

:

And so truly for me, I just

need to practice patience.

482

:

I just need to be more

humble and practice patience.

483

:

And I told them, I told them

this the other day, I'm like,

484

:

we're in our twenties, man.

485

:

It's only going to get worse.

486

:

Like you're only going to get slower, man.

487

:

Like I need to, I need to

be patient now, you know?

488

:

And so truly marriage is sanctification

and, and it's, it's not that bad.

489

:

And if that's the top thing that annoys

me about you, then I'm really lucky.

490

:

All right, I'll start how you started.

491

:

There's a lot of things I love about

you and there's very little I don't

492

:

like about you But what annoys me

the most is when you can't decide

493

:

what to freaking eat or drink

494

:

Every morning, I would love to make

her her drink and like bring her drink

495

:

or her breakfast in bed or like cook

it for her or like surf her in that

496

:

way But every time I'll get it wrong.

497

:

So, so it's very hard.

498

:

I'm very finicky about what I want

to like one morning it's coffee, one

499

:

morning it's decaf coffee, one morning

it's coffee, but it's iced, and then

500

:

it's vanilla, and then it's honey, and

then it's tea, and then it's, oh, I

501

:

want something, I want a smoothie, so.

502

:

One day it's, I love avocado toast.

503

:

The next day it's like,

avocado toast makes me gag.

504

:

It's disgusting.

505

:

I would never have that.

506

:

Yeah, or, or if we're just trying to,

like, decide where to eat, same thing.

507

:

Yes.

508

:

Okay, I don't know if

you've seen this reel.

509

:

I think it's a brilliant hack.

510

:

Uh, where the guy gets into

the car and asks the girl like,

511

:

Oh, we're going to go eat.

512

:

Like, guess where I'm taking you.

513

:

And then she's like, she like says

what she's most excited about.

514

:

And he's just doing that

to get her to decide.

515

:

And he's like, yes, Chick fil you

maybe need to start doing that.

516

:

I'll tuck that in the pocket.

517

:

Okay.

518

:

Do you have a question?

519

:

All right.

520

:

How do you keep God at the center of

a relationship while in college and

521

:

trying to grow in faith as a couple?

522

:

Really good.

523

:

Yeah.

524

:

Yeah, I think like I said in the

beginning, what's going to help you

525

:

have a God centered relationship is

putting the Lord first in your life.

526

:

And, um, I think when we were

going through that, one thing you

527

:

mentioned, Trey, was Sarah Swafford.

528

:

She always says, like, run to heaven.

529

:

Like, make that your goal.

530

:

Like, run to heaven and then turn to

the side and see who's running with you.

531

:

And so, first and foremost,

focus on growing your own

532

:

relationship with the Lord.

533

:

Focus on daily prayer

and starting that habit.

534

:

From college.

535

:

I know that it feels like life

is so busy in college, and I

536

:

remember feeling that way too.

537

:

But this mentor we had in college that

taught us to pray and guided us through

538

:

our relationship and everything, he

would always tell us like, you are the

539

:

least busy you will ever be right now.

540

:

And I got so mad at him, because I was

like, you don't understand, like, I'm in

541

:

so many things, like, I have a lot to do,

you know, I'm busy, but he's like, no,

542

:

you have no idea, like, you get into the

real world, you become a wife, a husband,

543

:

a mother, and a father, life just gets

busy, so, in college, like, cultivate

544

:

these faith centered practices now, so

that you can take that into your adult

545

:

life and your vocation, and that's what's

going to help you, um, yeah, really have

546

:

faith at the center of your relationship,

because it'll already be a practice

547

:

for each of you in your own lives.

548

:

I think another way to keep God

at the center of your relationship

549

:

is spiritual conversations.

550

:

This is something that Curtis Martin,

uh, has talked about a lot is making the

551

:

faith just like a casual part of your

conversations, um, as opposed to isolating

552

:

your faith to just, okay, as a couple, we

go to mass or as a couple, like we do the

553

:

rosary together once a week or whatever it

is that you're doing instead of it having

554

:

to be like these isolated instances where

you're practicing your faith together.

555

:

Just talk about your faith.

556

:

Talk about, hey, like, what's

God doing in your life right now?

557

:

How was your prayer this morning?

558

:

Uh, like, what is something

you're struggling with?

559

:

How can I pray with you?

560

:

Uh, like, if you guys are in Bible

studies, you can talk about, like, what

561

:

did you guys talk about in Bible study?

562

:

Or if you're doing some extra

spiritual reading, like, hey,

563

:

what's something you learned in

the book you're reading right now?

564

:

Like, what stood out in the homily?

565

:

Or yeah, what stood out in the homily?

566

:

Like, just, like, have conversations

about it that are outside of the actual

567

:

thing that you do for your faith,

then it's just, it's more integrated.

568

:

And then to like, choose

something to grow in together.

569

:

So when we were dating, um, part

of it was because we had this,

570

:

uh, gospels class that we were in

together, but we read scripture a lot.

571

:

And so sometimes we would go through a

portion of time where we were like, Oh,

572

:

we're going to read the book of John.

573

:

And so like every Tuesday we would like

get together and like read a chapter and

574

:

then like pray with it, talk about it.

575

:

Or we read, um, a spiritual book on.

576

:

Well, not spiritual book.

577

:

It was like a relationships book.

578

:

Edward Stree's Men, Women,

and the Mystery of Love.

579

:

That was like the book that we read.

580

:

And so it was good to read.

581

:

It was short and sweet.

582

:

Each of us got a book.

583

:

We would each read one chapter a week.

584

:

Then we'd come together and

kind of like talk about what

585

:

we felt like stood out to us.

586

:

Um, and that, like Trey said, kept

spiritual conversations at like

587

:

the forefront of our relationship.

588

:

Or just as past Advent, you were

really great at encouraging us

589

:

to do the Mike Schmitz, caller

Mike Schmitz, uh, face to face.

590

:

Uh, for Advent.

591

:

And so we would just like watch

those together and talk about it.

592

:

Yeah.

593

:

Okay.

594

:

How did you discern marriage?

595

:

I feel like this falls on me because

I had to discern when to propose

596

:

first or if I was going to propose.

597

:

Um, the if part was pretty easy.

598

:

Uh, I knew pretty early on

to the relationship that

599

:

I was going to marry Mari.

600

:

And so then the question

was just when and timing.

601

:

And I mean, it's different for everybody.

602

:

I took it to prayer, to a spiritual

director, and to a really close mentor

603

:

of mine, and talked it out with them.

604

:

Uh, the spiritual director

said, do it yesterday.

605

:

My parents said, wait six years.

606

:

Um, so, so yeah.

607

:

And then it was just

like, it's just prayer.

608

:

It's discernment.

609

:

And it's, discernment is a skill

that you can learn how to do.

610

:

Like, the more you do it, the more

you discern things in your life.

611

:

You start to recognize the patterns

and the ways that God speaks to you

612

:

and like, just the silent movements

that the Spirit works in your heart.

613

:

And so at that point, I mean, I was

still pretty fresh into my conversion.

614

:

So I was like, this was obviously

a huge decision and it took

615

:

a long time to discern it.

616

:

Uh, but ever since then, I feel like I've

been able to like recognize the patterns

617

:

from that discernment process into how

to discern other things in my life.

618

:

Um, but to answer the question

about like how to decide.

619

:

Um, I think it was just like, I

felt God, I was like, I know she's

620

:

the one that I'm going to marry.

621

:

There's no reason to wait at this point.

622

:

So I was a junior in

college, which is very young.

623

:

I look back at that and that's crazy.

624

:

But, um, I proposed

junior year of college.

625

:

We got married right when we graduated.

626

:

And.

627

:

I think it's just, it's about timing, like

when you feel in your heart, like you're

628

:

ready, uh, when God's calling you to get

married, when you guys are ready to have

629

:

kids and like really take that next step,

um, those are all elements to play a part.

630

:

I think a key thing you talk, you

mentioned is that you talk to several

631

:

mentors who are really rooted in the

faith, like Christ centered people.

632

:

Um, so depending on who your friends

are or your family, like if they're

633

:

not practicing or if they're not like

rooted in the faith and that's the

634

:

type of marriage you want to have.

635

:

They might not be the people that

you want to get this advice from.

636

:

Like, so I think finding a spiritual

director, like maybe your chaplain,

637

:

you know, if there's a priest at your

Newman center or something that you

638

:

can talk to, or even a missionary that

can kind of help guide you through

639

:

that somebody who is really rooted

in Christ and that understands the

640

:

power and the weight of vocation.

641

:

Um, because the world right now will

tell you like, don't get married, you

642

:

know, and don't get married young.

643

:

Like, don't be chained down by

somebody, but I'll tell you, like.

644

:

I think for us, we were young in

college, but we just felt like if

645

:

God's calling us to our vocation,

why would we put that off?

646

:

Like, our vocation is what's gonna

take us to heaven, and if we know, if

647

:

we're getting confirmation now, like,

yes, you're supposed to be married,

648

:

and this is the person you're supposed

to marry, why would we put that off?

649

:

So I think for me, um, a moment when

I was going through a disturbance,

650

:

I was an intern with Focus, um, a

few years in a row for different

651

:

summers, and one of the summers I

was out in the University of Mary.

652

:

Doing, uh, internship stuff there while

the focus missionaries were training.

653

:

And there was so many

priests and religious around.

654

:

And during different times of

prayer, I felt the Lord like speak

655

:

to me to surrender my vocation.

656

:

And I was freaking out because

I was super in love with him.

657

:

And I'm like, if the Lord's asking

me to surrender my vocation, it

658

:

means he's asking me to be a nun.

659

:

And like, I am so not about to do that.

660

:

And we had this prayer experience

at Adoration and this missionary

661

:

came up to me and she was like,

I'm sorry, do you have arthritis?

662

:

And I was like, no.

663

:

She's like, I just keep getting a vision

of like your hand, like your left hand.

664

:

Is it hurting?

665

:

And I was like, no, that

must be someone else.

666

:

Like, that's not me.

667

:

And she's like, I'm so sorry.

668

:

Okay, I'm going to keep praying about it.

669

:

She came back again

like half an hour later.

670

:

She's like, it's you.

671

:

Like your left ring finger is strained.

672

:

Are you praying about vocation at all?

673

:

And I was like, yeah, that's me.

674

:

And she was like, I think the

Lord just wants me to tell you

675

:

to surrender your vocation.

676

:

Like he's going to take care of you.

677

:

That night I bawled my eyes out and I

went to a priest that I had been doing

678

:

spiritual direction with over the summer.

679

:

And I told them this and he

was like, God may very well

680

:

be calling you to get married.

681

:

And I was like, no, like, I mean,

I would love that, but like, I

682

:

didn't know that I could have that.

683

:

Like, I'm like 21, like, there's

no way God's calling me to do that.

684

:

And, um, you know, I was like,

my parents are going to kill me.

685

:

Like, they're not going to want

me to get married right now.

686

:

And through several sessions of

spiritual direction after that

687

:

summer, like, we kept in touch.

688

:

We, we would, I think it

was like Skype at the time.

689

:

Um, I'm not that, that old.

690

:

I don't know what it was.

691

:

Just say FaceTime.

692

:

But it wasn't Zoom.

693

:

We like did some video calls

with this priest throughout

694

:

the summer and into the fall.

695

:

And we continued to pray with what I

felt like the Lord was putting on my

696

:

heart and this feeling of engagement.

697

:

And I told myself, I'm not going to

bring it up to Trey because I don't

698

:

want to influence his decision.

699

:

Um, and when we ended up talking about

it, it turns out that same summer, we were

700

:

both having those prayerful experiences

in our own prayer and both talking to

701

:

spiritual directors, feeling like the

Lord was calling us to get engaged.

702

:

So, all in all, your discernment is

really going to come down to prayer

703

:

and finding a good mentor that's

going to help you discern God's voice.

704

:

And beyond marriage, if you're discerning

anything, if you feel like you know

705

:

what God's calling you to do, Be

generous with your yes, just do it now.

706

:

Like, don't wait, don't delay.

707

:

Like, if you know God's calling you

to do something, just do it now.

708

:

Like, it's, it's gonna be for your own

good, it's gonna give you the most joy,

709

:

it's gonna get you to heaven, uh, so

don't keep putting off that decision.

710

:

He'll provide.

711

:

If he's calling you to it, he'll provide.

712

:

I think for us, one of the things

we were most nervous about, like,

713

:

we were broke college students,

we're like, we don't have money,

714

:

how are you supposed to do this?

715

:

And Trey's spiritual director would

always say, like, Who said you need

716

:

money to like enter into a sacrament,

you know, like God will provide.

717

:

Um, and he did and he did and we

became missionaries and we were fine.

718

:

We had nothing to freak out about,

but the Lord will always provide

719

:

whatever he's calling you to do.

720

:

All right.

721

:

This is, this is fun.

722

:

What is a part of marriage that is

bringing you lots of joy right now?

723

:

We have 10 minutes.

724

:

Okay.

725

:

We're just like seriously best friends.

726

:

Like we do everything together and I think

that we have a unique relationship to

727

:

where we like actually get a lot of time

to spend together because obviously we

728

:

live together, but we also work together.

729

:

We have a business that we own and

we were work full time from home.

730

:

We have the same friends

and the same family.

731

:

So we spent a lot of time together,

but it is just so much fun to just

732

:

have this best friend, this companion

who you get to make so many memories

733

:

with and chase after your dreams.

734

:

Um, yeah, it's just friendship.

735

:

Yeah.

736

:

Yeah, that's, you took my answer,

but yes, I'll just echo that, but

737

:

then also, just, you're hilarious.

738

:

My what?

739

:

You're hilarious.

740

:

Oh, what?

741

:

You're so funny and goofy, and so

I think, I don't know, that's just

742

:

something that came to mind recently.

743

:

I just feel like you're, she might put

on this front, in front of the screen,

744

:

that she's all stoic, but she's so fun.

745

:

Trey says I made him weird.

746

:

Yes, I was normal, and then I met Mari.

747

:

I was like, I don't think I'm that weird.

748

:

And then her weirdness rubbed off on me.

749

:

I'm not weird, guys, I'm not weird.

750

:

No, you're fun.

751

:

Okay.

752

:

Um, how do you practice

chastity while dating?

753

:

This is a good one that definitely

needs to be talked about.

754

:

Um, do you have anything

to say right off the bat?

755

:

I mean, you've spoken on this a

lot and you have like your points.

756

:

I'm going to let you start and

then I'll fill in the blanks.

757

:

Yeah, it's really going to be about

setting really good boundaries for your

758

:

relationship and setting those early on.

759

:

So you both have an understanding of like

what you're pursuing together as a goal.

760

:

So you both need to be on the same page

of what you're trying to do, right?

761

:

Yeah, I think what you

said there is early.

762

:

Like, it needs to be early on.

763

:

Yes, and both be on the same page.

764

:

If one person is like not on

board, that's gonna be really hard.

765

:

It's gonna be really hard because

you're gonna struggle and there's

766

:

gonna be times of temptation.

767

:

And if you're not both fighting for the

same thing, it's gonna be really hard.

768

:

So I remember like when we were dating we

like set some boundaries and it honestly

769

:

felt stupid because I'm like, I'm an

adult Like I don't need these things.

770

:

Like I totally trust myself, but

don't trust yourself so some of

771

:

the things we set were like Curfew.

772

:

We set a curfew for ourselves, which

again, I was like, I'm in college.

773

:

I don't need a curfew, but

it actually really helps.

774

:

So we would say like, we don't hang out

like past, like, I think it was 10 p.

775

:

m.

776

:

Um, and then if it was like, we

had to be in a group of people.

777

:

Like we had to be like in the

living room with our friends or

778

:

like out doing something, but like

we had no business hanging out with

779

:

each other alone after like 10 30.

780

:

Um, we couldn't be in each other's rooms

by ourselves, um, and the door always

781

:

had to be open or people had to be home.

782

:

Uh, another thing I've heard a

lot of people say is helpful is

783

:

like, four feet on the ground.

784

:

So like, Just don't be horizontal.

785

:

Don't be horizontal.

786

:

Four feet on the ground.

787

:

Um, and then just get

back up and try again.

788

:

Like, go to confession.

789

:

Often.

790

:

Yeah.

791

:

Yeah, confession is your best friend.

792

:

Um.

793

:

I think, I mean, I think the only

thing I have to add to that is do it,

794

:

like be explicit with your boundaries.

795

:

Don't be vague and do it early on, uh,

and then have mercy on yourself and

796

:

get back up and yeah, God still loves

you and it's not the end of the world.

797

:

It's just go to confession.

798

:

Yeah.

799

:

One thing too that I feel like was

really helpful for me that I always

800

:

held onto to wait for marriage.

801

:

Was I think I heard it in a Jason Everett

talk when I was in like high school or

802

:

something and he said Those vows that

you make on the altar as a Catholic you

803

:

say for all the days of my life, right?

804

:

You say like I will you know You make all

these vows for all the days of my life And

805

:

the way I looked at it was every single

day of your life is a day of your life

806

:

You're not saying like I'm vowing myself

to you from this day forward But you're

807

:

truly saying, like, for all the days of

my life, like, I am completely yours.

808

:

And so I would use that as encouragement

for me of, like, I want to, you know,

809

:

be up on the altar with my husband

and have that be truly what it means

810

:

and just be like, every single day

of my life, I waited for you and I,

811

:

like, gave myself completely to you.

812

:

So, if that encourages

you, take that with you.

813

:

The other thing is the book

we recommended earlier, Men,

814

:

Women, and the Mystery of Love.

815

:

Uh, it's Basically the dumbed down, easy

to read version of JP Two's, the theology

816

:

of the body and love and responsibility.

817

:

And so that gives you a lot of like

reasons why it's really good to

818

:

yes, be chased and to love Chaly.

819

:

And so the other book that really helped

me was, uh, how To Find Your Soulmate

820

:

Without Losing Your Soul by Jason Everett.

821

:

Like game changer of a book.

822

:

You guys, I'm outta questions.

823

:

You're outta questions.

824

:

You want one more?

825

:

Alright.

826

:

How do you know if God sent

a partner into your life?

827

:

Verse.

828

:

You forcing someone into your life.

829

:

First thing that comes to mind is peace.

830

:

When the Lord is leading you to

something, there's gonna be peace.

831

:

Um, it doesn't mean it's always

going to be easy, but there is

832

:

just an innate, like, stillness in

your heart and confidence in what's

833

:

going on and that it is of the Lord.

834

:

And if you feel like there's

a lot of tension, like if it

835

:

truly feels forced, right?

836

:

Um, that there's no peace there.

837

:

Yeah.

838

:

And what you said earlier, uh, the

Sarah Swafford quote about don't worry

839

:

so much about like, don't be so fixated

on the other, just like be fixated, be

840

:

fixated on God and just like run to God.

841

:

And then what Sarah says, like, just

strive after God and see and run

842

:

after God and turn to your left or

right and see who's running with you.

843

:

Um, I think that's a great line.

844

:

And yeah, I mean, like I

said, discernment is a skill.

845

:

If you keep doing it, you'll get a lot

better at it and then you can like discern

846

:

things quickly and so recognize that's why

I love journaling is I can like recognize

847

:

when I journal and process externally

like that through journaling and prayer,

848

:

then I'm more easily and quicker at

recognizing patterns in my life like when

849

:

I'm feeling this or when I'm feeling this,

uh, then I can like feel the Holy Spirit

850

:

kind of nudge me one way or the other.

851

:

Um, but I mean, yeah, there's no answer

that's like, Black and white for that.

852

:

You just got to pray.

853

:

Yeah, I think it's kind of a cop

out answer, but it's the best answer

854

:

I think to like as Catholic women

Especially like we get caught up a lot

855

:

and like the question of is he the one?

856

:

And I remember going to like

Steubenville conferences, you know,

857

:

and I was boy crazy since I was like

15 and I was just like, Oh my gosh,

858

:

is this the boy I'm going to marry?

859

:

Is this the boy I'm going to marry?

860

:

Is this the boy I'm going to marry?

861

:

I know Jackie said that in her talk

the other day and I heard all you girls

862

:

just like laughing like, ha ha ha, like,

no, we all know you're all thinking it.

863

:

And I think sometimes like we need to

let go of that a little bit, you know,

864

:

and ask the Lord like, okay, prepare

the man that you have for me and pray

865

:

for him and pray for him to be prepared.

866

:

Spiritually, um, emotionally,

physically, however it is that, you

867

:

know, you want to, to pray for him

and bless him, um, and then ask less

868

:

of the question of like, is he it?

869

:

Is he it?

870

:

Is he it?

871

:

And I know that it's different for

every person, but a lot of people

872

:

you talk to, it's like, you'll know.

873

:

Like truly and especially if you

are aligned with the Lord and in

874

:

His grace and praying and discerning

daily Like you'll know who it is.

875

:

You'll feel that in your heart You'll

feel that confidence of God and that

876

:

peace of the Holy Spirit in your heart

that like this is the open door God's

877

:

leading you to so it's less about like

trying to figure out which guy in your

878

:

life is the one and Instead like Trey

said like really pursue the Lord And

879

:

if there happens to be somebody that's

there that's like a really good man,

880

:

like that might be a really good option.

881

:

Yeah.

882

:

Then this last question is really, really

similar is basically just asking how to

883

:

surrender your love life to the Lord.

884

:

And I mean, that goes with

anything in life, not just your

885

:

relationship or your love life.

886

:

Um, but how do you surrender anything

that you're desiring to the Lord is just.

887

:

And you said this with your vocation

discernment is just because you

888

:

surrender something to the Lord

doesn't mean he's taking it from you.

889

:

Like he could very well just

give it right back to you, but he

890

:

just, he wants to give it to you.

891

:

And if you're not surrendering it to you,

if you're not surrendering, surrendering

892

:

it to God, then he can't actually give it

to you because you're just trying to take

893

:

it or just like create it for yourself.

894

:

And so, uh, like trust that God is good.

895

:

And ultimately like.

896

:

He desires the best for

you, and he's a good father.

897

:

And so by surrendering it to him, you

could get that right back, and it would be

898

:

better and blessed, and a gift from God.

899

:

Uh, so don't be afraid

to surrender things.

900

:

I mean, it's so freaking hard, but,

um, just, just daily prayer, and Yeah.

901

:

Another thing, um, too, is, like,

surrender multiple, or not surrender,

902

:

uh, discern multiple vocations.

903

:

So like, don't completely close the

Lord the door on religious life if

904

:

the Lord hasn't closed it for you.

905

:

Um, Trey went to like a seminarian

come and see type of thing, right?

906

:

Yeah.

907

:

Like something like that where you

were just like, and we were actually

908

:

still dating and I was terrified,

909

:

Um, but he was like, I mean, I haven't

thought about it super seriously,

910

:

but I haven't completely closed the

door and I just feel like the Lord's

911

:

calling me to like, go to this retreat

and like surrender my vocation and,

912

:

and I think that's a really, yeah.

913

:

I went and I was like,

I'm getting married.

914

:

So, and the Lord made it clear,

like the Lord closed that door.

915

:

Um, and I think similarly to me in that

moment of prayer, when I surrendered

916

:

my vocation and I was like, Oh my gosh,

God's going to ask me to be a nun.

917

:

Um, which if he's asking you to be a

sister, like truly that will be what

918

:

brings you the most joy in your life.

919

:

Your vocation will bring you

the most joy in your life.

920

:

Um, and if you're meant to be a sister,

you're going to be more joyful in

921

:

that vocation than, than in marriage.

922

:

Um, but I was, I was scared in

that moment, but I surrendered

923

:

it, and then I feel like the Lord

quickly gave it right back to me.

924

:

And I think a lot of the times, at

least when I was in college, I felt

925

:

like because of my testimony and

the way that I was living in the

926

:

world before I met the Lord, right?

927

:

I felt like a lot of the ways that I was

living and a lot of the things I desired

928

:

The Lord didn't want, and it was like

he immediately opposed for me, right?

929

:

And so, it was a natural thing

for me to feel like, Oh, like,

930

:

I really want this vocation.

931

:

God probably doesn't

want that for me, right?

932

:

Cause he didn't want drunkenness for me.

933

:

He didn't want impurity for me.

934

:

And so, that, that initial desire of like,

I really want this, he might take it away.

935

:

That's a natural thing we might

feel, but that's not true.

936

:

Like, the Lord places desires on your

heart, and especially with vocation,

937

:

like, those are really good desires.

938

:

And in the end, he's going to lead you.

939

:

If you are open, if you are discerning,

if you're in, in, um, grace with the

940

:

Lord, like he's not going to trick you.

941

:

He's not going to lead you astray.

942

:

He's going to lead you exactly to

what's going to get you to heaven.

943

:

Great.

944

:

It's not a time where can

they find more of you?

945

:

Oh, yes.

946

:

Um, so ever be podcast is on.

947

:

Spotify, Apple, I think, I don't know

if people listen to podcasts on other

948

:

things, but it's probably on that as well.

949

:

Um, we're also on Instagram at

everbeapodcast, and then my personal

950

:

blog, you can find it at atmari.

951

:

c.

952

:

wagner.

953

:

And then our Catholic lifestyle

brand is West Coast Catholic.

954

:

You can find it at westcoastcatholic.

955

:

co and our Instagram is

at westcoastcatholic.

956

:

Hope you wrote that down.

957

:

That was a mouthful.

958

:

Thanks so much guys.

959

:

Thank you guys.

960

:

Thanks for listening to this

episode recorded live at SEEK.

961

:

Miss the conference or want to

relive your favorite moments?

962

:

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963

:

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964

:

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965

:

Head to seek.

966

:

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967

:

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968

:

And don't forget to join us for SEEK 26.

969

:

Check out seek.

970

:

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971

:

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About the Podcast

Ever Be
A faith and lifestyle podcast.
The Ever Be Podcast is a faith and lifestyle podcast filled with meaningful conversations and practical tips that will inspire and empower you to live a Christ centered life in today’s modern world. Through her own experience of surrendering completely to God and finding true fullness of life, your host Mari Wagner, has committed to having God’s praise “ever be” on her lips and sharing that message with the world. Listen in for insightful, real life conversations and actionable steps on how to claim the full life God created you for.

With over 100K followers and counting, Instagram content creator and founder of the popular Catholic lifestyle brand, West Coast Catholic, Mari Wagner is showing the world how to live a bold, attractive, and fulfilling Catholic life by being in the world but not of it. On the podcast you’ll get a combination of heartfelt solo episodes with Mari, interviews with exciting guests, and up-close and personal time with both the Wagner’s—Mari and Trey. What more could you ask for?!

Finally! Answers to questions you’ve been asking like:
How do I infuse prayer into my daily life? How do I live out my Catholic faith? What is the best dating and marriage advice? What does a good Catholic marriage look like? How do I grow in homemaking skills and build a domestic church? How do I create a beautiful and welcoming home? What does a healthy and balanced lifestyle look like? Is it possible to find a solid community of like minded women?

Host Mari Wagner covers topics that you actually care about from faith life, to relationships and marriage, to homemaking, to healthy living. Each episode is crafted to resonate with your challenges and aspirations as a modern Christian woman seeking purpose, balance, and joy.

Tune into the Ever Be Podcast for valuable advice, relatable stories, expert insights and just some fun girl chats with someone who really gets you. Hit play to get out of the rut you constantly feel yourself in, and subscribe to join the community and experience the fullness of life Jesus has in store for you.

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Mari Wagner